To not allow my friends to use my house for a party?

[GiantHaystacks]

I have a friend, let's call her Rose, and she is always volunteering me for things and putting me on the spot with people. Usually this means I end up (resentfully) going along with things I have no wish do do and sometimes this means I say 'no' to things and have people think I am a bit of a cow. I hate that I am always being put in these situations not of my own creation.

Example 1 of Rose's behaviour - I bought a new dress for an important work event. It was way too expensive but I loved it and knew I would be wearing it for years. Another friend was going to a posh wedding and didn't have anything to wear. 'Don't worry,' Rose said. 'Giant Haystacks has just bought a lovely new dress. She'll let you borrow that.' So even before I had worn the dress myself I had to lend it to someone else or look unreasonable.

Example 2 of Rose's behaviour - Another friend was going away on holiday for two weeks and wanted someone to pop into her house and feed her cats. 'Don't worry,' said Rose. 'Giant Haystacks works from home. She'll be able to pop over twice a day and do this. Why don't you ask her?' On this occasion I refused (and felt terribly guilty) but the friend lived miles away and I am massively allergic to cats. You could see the friend thought I was being a selfish cow as Rose had made out to her that this would be no problem for me.

The latest event might just be the last straw. Another friend wants to have a massive barbeque and garden party for her husband's fiftieth birthday but only has a small back yard. 'Don't worry', said Rose. 'Giant Haystacks has a great big garden. Why not hold the party at her house? That way you can make it a surprise party.' The two of them planned away and presented the whole thing to me as a fait accompli. The thing is, the Monday after the party I have an important work deadline to meet and I know I will need to spend that whole weekend working. I told them this and Rose said ( I am not even joking here) 'Well, you could just stay in your bedroom. We'll do all the work.' I couldn't believe the nerve of this and still said 'no' and now the friend is acting like I am the bitch who is spoiling her husband's big birthday plans. I was so annoyed that they had spent a couple of weeks planning a party at my house without even thinking they had to ask me first.

Rose is an old friend but not someone I feel I have anything in common with anymore. She makes a lot of demands on me and my time and places a lot of expectations on me. She seems to think that as I work from home my time is her's and doesn't appreciate that I am not always available to socialise with her whenever she wants me to. AIBU in wanting to shake her off and how do you think I could do this?

[firesidechat]

My husband has cancer.

It is not, and never has been, a license to commit emotional blackmail.

Hate people like this. You did the right thing in standing up to her. If you have a large garden and a lovely friend had asked very nicely and it was convenient then that would be a different matter.

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

As everyone's said you need to drop Rose PDQ and only tolerate her when at group events. However, you also need to work hard on your own assertiveness. Anne Dickson's A Woman In Your Own Right: Assertiveness and You is a really good book - get it.

[lovesherdogstoomuch]

Op. im sorry but she's laughing at you. deep breath. rehearse what you want to say, then say it! good and loud. xx

[NobodyPutsTomArcherInTheCorner]

'I have a friend, let's call her Rose...'

You don't. You know someone called Rose who is a user. As everyone else says, time for the old heave ho..

[zatyaballerina]

She's not your friend and no normal person would offer other people's clothes/time/house without asking, neither would any normal person feel entitled to your clothes/time/house because an attention seeker offers it. Cut her out, set strong boundaries and practice saying no to people. The broken record technique is very effective.

[Patosshades]

You have your chance now to get rid of batcrazy rose now OP. Confront her about the latest loaning of your house. As per previous she'll have a hissy fit and never talk to your again.

In the usual 3 weeks time when she comes sniffing round again, don't engage with her. Block on facebook, dont answer messages hide behind the sofa - basically whatever it takes to not allow her back into your life.

[OnIlkelyMoorBahtat]

You need to free yourself from La Vie En Rose immediatement!

[HeffalumpTheFlump]

Seriously if you are going to end this friendship anyway, send her the link to this thread. Maybe she will finally get the picture that she is a horrible user and a cunt of the highest order. You sound like a nice person op, too nice.

[LadyMilfordHaven]

op i love the rasputin gag

[SuperiorCat]

Wow, I never cease to be amazed by the cheek of some people - Rose, not you OP

[expatinscotland]

You are a mug. This is not your friend.

[TiggyD]

Rose needs dead-heading.

[OnIlkelyMoorBahtat]

You need to free yourself from La Vie En Rose immediatement!

[OnIlkelyMoorBahtat]

OMG, how did I post that twice?

On the hand, it's probably worth saying twice OP

[PleasePudding]

I love Rose! Rose is brilliant for days like today when I am hot and haven't slept and have hideous PMT and need a garden-variety evil, selfish nutjob to loathe for all humanity and mentally kick and fight.

Poor you OP embarrass the hell out of these piss-taking idiots. DO IT

[PeppaMiddleton]

Rose is definitely a frenemy. I'd cut her out of your life and also think about whether or not you want the other friends in your life too, as they seem just as bad.

It's really odd that so many people seem to take her words as gospel and assume they can borrow all your things on her say so!

[scottishmummy]

Why are you so passive?you're a well mannered doormat.thats why rose takes piss
Your etiquette,notion of manners is getting in way of saying rose,you're obnoxious
You need to protect yourself,set boundaries,stop buying folk stuff and putting self out

[ElaineVintage]

What a horrid human being. Get rid as soon as possible. Break free and run!

[misskatamari]

Bloody hell get rid of this woman! She's a shit friend! Cheeky bloody cow!

[QueenofallIsee]

Rose is a wanker - tell her to get stuffed

[CeliaFate]

I doubt if my other friend would have ever assumed she could use my garden for a party had Rose not put it into her mind.
Even if someone had put this idea into my mind, I would have thought it really weird for someone to offer someone else's house for their party. I certainly wouldn't have made any plans unless the home owner contacted me directly and offered. Even then I'd feel it was too much of an imposition and graciously refuse.

[Didactylos]

OP, go to the friend and turn it around on Rose eg -

eg ' well X, I can see that you're upset that your surprise party plans aren't going to happen whos fault is that? I knew nothing about your planned party, and have my own arrangements for that weekend. (do not apologise, explain what your plans are or justify yourself, that just gives an opening to try and persuade you) The person you should be complaining to is Rose, who was not only rude enough to offer my house and garden for a party without asking me, but in doing so has wasted 2 weeks of your time planning for a party that WILL NOT BE HAPPENING. So if you feel left in the lurch and are now having to run about and plan things and find a venue in a hurry - thats not my fault, blame it on Rose who had the cheek to offer my garden as a venue.'

Or, you could let them host the party in your garden
and local mumsnetters can intervene by turning up en masse and presenting you with a new spine and Rose with a tin of brasso as per the current Bridezilla thread

[YellowDinosaur]

Another friend wants to have a massive barbeque and garden party for her husband's fiftieth birthday but only has a small back yard

Ffs. I'd really like a private jet to fly me abroad for a holiday but I don't have one so I'll learn to live with it.

What sort of twat plans a party that they can't possibly put on without asking the friends in suggestion? Rose is a user but your other friend is bloody entitled too. I'd tell them both to fuck of in all honesty....

[PugStaffyCross]

What???! Tell rose to fuck off to fucktard island and stay there. She is NOT your friend at all. Say NO you cannot have a party at my house end of. Tell them to hire somewhere and DO NOT feel guilty. She sounds a nightmare... Dont be a mug. Buy her a one way ticket to fucktard island with her friend.