To not allow my friends to use my house for a party?

[GiantHaystacks]

I have a friend, let's call her Rose, and she is always volunteering me for things and putting me on the spot with people. Usually this means I end up (resentfully) going along with things I have no wish do do and sometimes this means I say 'no' to things and have people think I am a bit of a cow. I hate that I am always being put in these situations not of my own creation.

Example 1 of Rose's behaviour - I bought a new dress for an important work event. It was way too expensive but I loved it and knew I would be wearing it for years. Another friend was going to a posh wedding and didn't have anything to wear. 'Don't worry,' Rose said. 'Giant Haystacks has just bought a lovely new dress. She'll let you borrow that.' So even before I had worn the dress myself I had to lend it to someone else or look unreasonable.

Example 2 of Rose's behaviour - Another friend was going away on holiday for two weeks and wanted someone to pop into her house and feed her cats. 'Don't worry,' said Rose. 'Giant Haystacks works from home. She'll be able to pop over twice a day and do this. Why don't you ask her?' On this occasion I refused (and felt terribly guilty) but the friend lived miles away and I am massively allergic to cats. You could see the friend thought I was being a selfish cow as Rose had made out to her that this would be no problem for me.

The latest event might just be the last straw. Another friend wants to have a massive barbeque and garden party for her husband's fiftieth birthday but only has a small back yard. 'Don't worry', said Rose. 'Giant Haystacks has a great big garden. Why not hold the party at her house? That way you can make it a surprise party.' The two of them planned away and presented the whole thing to me as a fait accompli. The thing is, the Monday after the party I have an important work deadline to meet and I know I will need to spend that whole weekend working. I told them this and Rose said ( I am not even joking here) 'Well, you could just stay in your bedroom. We'll do all the work.' I couldn't believe the nerve of this and still said 'no' and now the friend is acting like I am the bitch who is spoiling her husband's big birthday plans. I was so annoyed that they had spent a couple of weeks planning a party at my house without even thinking they had to ask me first.

Rose is an old friend but not someone I feel I have anything in common with anymore. She makes a lot of demands on me and my time and places a lot of expectations on me. She seems to think that as I work from home my time is her's and doesn't appreciate that I am not always available to socialise with her whenever she wants me to. AIBU in wanting to shake her off and how do you think I could do this?

[HerculePoirotsTache]

The only way to make this stop is to tell Rose straight that she has no right to offer your services to anyone and that you no longer consider her a friend. She either doesn't think or she has a twisted sense of friendship. It is sad that she was seriously ill but she cannot hold that over you for a sympathy vote.

[springperennial]

There is no appealing to a manipulator. You have to out-manipulate them.

I'd write to both Rose and party friend, and make it quite clear that you are absolutely disgusted that they (both) would take advantage of your good nature and general willingness to help by planning this party behind your back without asking you. Lay on the distress this has caused you and the violation of your personal boundaries, not to mention your professional ones (putting your deadline at jeopardy). Hopefully party friend will be embarrassed as hell and point the finger at Rose and justify her own involvement by telling everyone, "Rose made me do it, she said it was ok". Rose thereby exposed as nutjob. Divide and conquer.

Don't apologise, if you are "sorry" it makes you sound guilty, and you've no reason to be. I actually think sometimes in life you have to be a bit confrontational, unless you want people to take the piss time and time again.

As for the other "friends", dress borrower and party person. Well, I really would not want to borrow someone else's brand new dress, I wouldn't dream of asking them. Nor would I plan a massive party in someone else's gaff unless they'd been absolutely insistent about it. Are you sure Rose is the only problem?

[50shadesofmeh]

What an arsepiece Rose is.

Y'know I think I'd quite enjoy making Rose look like a cunt.

" Rose said you could borrow my dress?? Whatever would she say that! Is she smoking something?"

" Rose said I wouldn't mind holding someone else's party? Whatever next? "

[JRmumma]

I used to have a friend like this. Drop her asap.

[cloudskitchen]

I think it might be time to cut Rose loose. I think the 3 things you have said are absolutely outrageous of her. is she as generous with her own stuff as she is with yours? I bet not. we don't choose family but we can choose our friends so you don't need to be stuck with her!

[CruCru]

OP, perhaps you need some assertiveness training. Problem with letting people get away with this sort of shit is that one day you'll snap and then look like a mad bitch.

Re the dress - no way. Lending people clothes is something that I stopped doing in my teens.

[CruCru]

How did Rose know about the dress? Perhaps it's also time to stop telling Rose about things you've bought, trips you're going on.

[RoooneyMara]

Parmarella, that is awesome

[thebody]

op please please come back and tell us you are going to sort out.

I actually feel too angry on your behalf to enjoy my wine!!!

[InLoveWithDavidTennant]

she certainly is not your friend!

[Mouthfulofquiz]

Rose is clearly a massive twat. I'd be so annoyed about that!!

[flanbase]

You say to the people she promises your unreasonable help - Rose didn't ask me. If she had asked me first then I would have explained I can't help. She is not your friend.

[BiscuitDunker]

There's an easy way to not agree with anything rose volunteers you for,even if she's doing it with you standing right next to her-laugh and say "ummm no I don't think so! Why don't you do it/lend it/host it Rose? You seem so keen on the idea and seeing as it was your idea perhaps you should be the one offering your own services/clothes/house/ect and not mine,its got nothing to do with me!"

And to phase her out just stop answering her calls,don't reply to her texts or facebook messages,don't answer the door to her and if you're worried about what your mutual friends will think then simply start bitching about her to them about her constantly volunteering you and your things without even asking you first and then go on to list as many examples of this behaviour as you can :) Simple!

[WeAreEternal]

"No, sorry Rose that is not convenient for me"

"No, sorry random person, that is not convinient fo me, it was rude of Rose to suggest that to you without checking with me first"

If in front of people - "Why would you suggest that to, random person, without asking me first Rose? You know how busy I am/how much I am saving that item for a special occasion/that is a made up family members imaginary funeral that day."

No
No
No
No

You just need to keep saying that to her every single time.
Ignore/smile and nod at every time when you can not avoid her.

I had a friend like this, she was a complete leach, it took me three years to get rid of her.
Being a bitch to these people doesn't work, but if you stop being useful eventually they will get bored and move on to a new victim.

[BiscuitDunker]

And to those who say "rose said it was ok" simply turn it back on them and say "and you didn't think to check with me yourself? More fool you. Its not ok,it was never ok and rose never asked me in the first place. Perhaps you both need to learn some manners instead of just assuming I'm going to be happy to go along with everything and anything just because rose seems to think I should." :)

[rockybalboa]

Tell Rose to fuck off. Seriously.

[RenterNomad]

In this "wider circle of friends", how many others do you think are exasperated by her disgusting use of cancer as a fig leaf? Yet they don't dare say anything to you, as you've tolerated some pretty crazy things from her, so you must still love her, right? I bet you're not alone, you know!

[pigletmania]

You need to cut yourself ff from Rose, and keep saying no. She sounds god awful, and no way would I put up with that!

[pigletmania]

Too right Busicuit, that's exactly what op should say to people

[MorrisZapp]

Ditch the biatch.

Does anybody remember the year in the mid 90s when tight shiny pedal pushers were briefly in fash?

I went to a barbecue that summer and there was a massively piss taking bitch there. She was slim and good looking, and was obviously used to people saying yes to her every whim.

She came prancing out wearing those tight pedal pushers, and said 'look, Amanda has let me wear her new pedal pushers!' accompanied by a dance so calculated to look pretty she was practically flinging daisies. Plain Amanda looked glum.

She then sat cross legged in the grass, stretching out the knees and getting them ruined.

Eighteen years I can still feel the bile in my throat.

[JRmumma]

And how DARE she use her recent illness, no matter how awful it was, as a tool to manipulate people. That is beyond disgusting.

[sudointellectual]

Wow! Rose is not your friend! Classic frenemy. She's sabotaging your life because she is envious of it/your house/dress/YOU.

[Grumpla]

Parmarella, PLEASE write The Book of Mumsnet Fables

Rose should fuck off.

[Xmasbaby11]

I'm actually surprised at the friends of yours who think you're being unreasonable. These seem like massive favours. Even if someone offered me another friend's services, I wouldn't take it at all seriously until it had been mentioned by the doer of the favour. So I think your friends, as well as Rose, are unreasonable! Get rid!

[JackNoneReacher]

How about
"You're right I could just study in my bedroom but the truth is I don't want your husbands party at my house. Why don't you hire a room like everyone else and while youre at it fuck off"