To not allow my friends to use my house for a party?

[GiantHaystacks]

I have a friend, let's call her Rose, and she is always volunteering me for things and putting me on the spot with people. Usually this means I end up (resentfully) going along with things I have no wish do do and sometimes this means I say 'no' to things and have people think I am a bit of a cow. I hate that I am always being put in these situations not of my own creation.

Example 1 of Rose's behaviour - I bought a new dress for an important work event. It was way too expensive but I loved it and knew I would be wearing it for years. Another friend was going to a posh wedding and didn't have anything to wear. 'Don't worry,' Rose said. 'Giant Haystacks has just bought a lovely new dress. She'll let you borrow that.' So even before I had worn the dress myself I had to lend it to someone else or look unreasonable.

Example 2 of Rose's behaviour - Another friend was going away on holiday for two weeks and wanted someone to pop into her house and feed her cats. 'Don't worry,' said Rose. 'Giant Haystacks works from home. She'll be able to pop over twice a day and do this. Why don't you ask her?' On this occasion I refused (and felt terribly guilty) but the friend lived miles away and I am massively allergic to cats. You could see the friend thought I was being a selfish cow as Rose had made out to her that this would be no problem for me.

The latest event might just be the last straw. Another friend wants to have a massive barbeque and garden party for her husband's fiftieth birthday but only has a small back yard. 'Don't worry', said Rose. 'Giant Haystacks has a great big garden. Why not hold the party at her house? That way you can make it a surprise party.' The two of them planned away and presented the whole thing to me as a fait accompli. The thing is, the Monday after the party I have an important work deadline to meet and I know I will need to spend that whole weekend working. I told them this and Rose said ( I am not even joking here) 'Well, you could just stay in your bedroom. We'll do all the work.' I couldn't believe the nerve of this and still said 'no' and now the friend is acting like I am the bitch who is spoiling her husband's big birthday plans. I was so annoyed that they had spent a couple of weeks planning a party at my house without even thinking they had to ask me first.

Rose is an old friend but not someone I feel I have anything in common with anymore. She makes a lot of demands on me and my time and places a lot of expectations on me. She seems to think that as I work from home my time is her's and doesn't appreciate that I am not always available to socialise with her whenever she wants me to. AIBU in wanting to shake her off and how do you think I could do this?

[KhaosandKalamity]

Before you cut her off try and have a talk with her and explain your point of view. Some people just have a very high sense of entitlement.

As a teenager I was out one day and got a call from my dad to say that my BFF and three strange boys were in our lounge when he got home, I was with friends and not willing to drop everything and go home to see them so told dad to kick them out. Turns out they had been there for hours before dad got home watching TV, BFF had told them all it would be fine for them all to climb through my window and wait for me to get home, kicking things off my windowsill in the process.

I talked to her about how completely insane her behaviour was and we were able to remain friends for a good few more years until her behaviour got bad again and I put an end to the friendship, by that point everyone was aware of her behaviour and I was not viewed as the epic bitch as I would have been if I had ended it straight off.

[deleted203]

Fucking hell! Both these women are unbelievable (Rose and Birthday Woman). Neither of them are friends. They are unbelievably rude, obnoxious bitches.

Can I just point out, however, that you say in your OP

The thing is, the Monday after the party I have an important work deadline to meet and I know I will need to spend that whole weekend working.

Lady, this apologetic explanation needs to STOP!

You did not have to explain to us (or them) why it would be terribly inconvenient to allow a couple of people to use your home for a massive party full of strangers (Birthday boy's mates/work colleagues/pub drinking companions/relatives).

I wouldn't personally have cared if I'd got bugger all on for the next fortnight - they wouldn't have been welcome to use my home and I'd have happily told them to fuck right off. Explanations like this make it sound like it would have be ok if it had been a different weekend - and it wouldn't! It wouldn't ever be acceptable to plan a party in someone else's home without having the courtesy to check with them before doing so.

Do NOT feel guilty. Do NOT apologise. Do NOT explain. Simply say, 'I cannot believe anyone would be rude enough to plan a party in my home without consulting me first'.

[deleted203]

Oh. And just tell Rose 'You have upset and angered me so much with your latest stunt that I do not want to have any more contact with you. Any friendship we once had is at an end'.

YANBU.

[Monty27]

Rose needs a few toes up her posterior.

Tell her you'll get thorny with her if she doesn't nip it in the bud now!

[fuzzywuzzy]

I'm a bit puzzled by this. I don't know anyone who would expect to borrow someone's brand new dress which hasn't been worn yet on the offer of a third party!

I can't imagine party planing with someone at a third persons house without discussing it with the homeowner.

The cat thing I can understand, but surely you have no reason to feel guilty by telling the pet owner you're allergic and its miles away from you. The pet owner has no reason to be upset at you either.

If the other 'friends' take umbrage with you for not living up to 'Rose's' volunteering then frankly you need an entirely new set of friends. Right now it appears your friend circle see you as the doormat & Rose is a convenient excuse.

[50shadesofmeh]

I beg your pardon, I never promised Rose you could use my Garden
:-)

[claudedebussy]

you gotta grow some balls and stuff the wider circle of friends.

unfortunately in my experience, people will generally go with the easier option. so if rose is causing problems as long as it's not with them they won't be particularly bothered. unless she tries this stuff with them too?

either way i think you do have to put your foot down now. either your friends are your true friends or really they can't be arsed.

[ArgyMargy]

I think thebody got it right - much of this is in your head, in thinking that your other friends will look on you as rude or unhelpful. They probably think you genuinely don't mind Rose's behaviour - as you never say no! And that lets them all breathe a sigh of relief that they aren't her target.

[TheVermiciousKnid]

Ditch Roseputin!

[ModernToss]

She is constantly proving her own generosity and resourcefulness by providing people with solutions - completely ignoring the fact that the solutions are not hers to offer. Then she looks good if they come off (like the dress), and the actual owner/provider looks bad if they don't.

It's a neat trick.

[ZillionChocolate]

Ditto, what everyone else said. This has to stop.

Is it worth emailing round the circle of friends saying unless they hear it from you directly, you have not offered them your things/time/money?

If you don't want to ditch Rose immediately then you have to talk to her and say never again must she offer anything of yours. If she wants to help people out then she must do it herself. You cannot have any relationship with her when she behaves so appallingly. I suppose she's justified in thinking that you'll behave like a doormat because that's how it's worked so far.

[FruOla]

I agree with Zillion, I think a group email is in order - and I'd make sure Rose was on the distribution list too.

[LeGavrOrf]

I never promised you a rose garden

Or

I never promised you a garden, rose.

[LookMaw]

I'm pretty sure that as soon as you start saying 'no' to things, Rose will distance herself from you anyways.

[toomanyfionas]

See now I used to have a fair few Roses in my life but then I learnt to say no. It's weird at first, but well worth mastering.

[PeppaMiddleton]

I agree with LookMaw; as soon as you start saying no and standing up to Rose she will distance herself from you as you will no longer be of use to her. She may well try to engineer a falling out with you, and she may get very stroppy that you are saying no to her and aren't doing as she says but just ignore her. You will be well rid of her and once you are rid of her you will realise just how much she got you down and how she isn't a friend and is instead a noose around your neck!

[Wbdn28]

Before you cut her off try and have a talk with her and explain your point of view.

Yes, I agree with this. Maybe she's just rather oblivious and will be horrified and apologetic when you point out what she's doing. It's pretty unkind to just cut people off with no explanation, and it won't help them to behave differently in future. Have a friendly word and say you'd like her to stop volunteering you for things.

[PeppaMiddleton]

I think though with people like 'Rose' if you mention their behaviour to them they get all defensive and make out that you're being unkind to them and being hurtful. They are usually so full of themselves that they can't ever see anyone else's viewpoint, only theirs.

Reasonable people, that take a bit of criticism or feedback well and change their ways, don't do the things that Rose is doing in the first place.

[EldritchCleavage]

I can't believe the other friends genuinely think these arrangements are fine. As others have said, no one really expects to be able to wear someone else's new dress, or use their garden, without even asking them directly.

Keep saying no, without explanation, and ignore Rose. Frankly the cancer thing is appalling, and shows just how nasty and manipulative she is. Her behaviour sounds really quite extreme. Dump her without looking back. You'll probably find a lot of people sidling up to you to congratulate you and share Rose horror stories.

[Dunham]

don't worry too much about saying no. Other friends should know that these are unreasonable requests anyway, so they are alos being unreasonable. Op sometimes i am super friendly and get treated like doormat, but after a few no's i don't get taken advantage off.

She's not your friend. But you know that. If she volunteers your services, clothes, house or anything again, have a firm chat with her and say 'no more.'

I had a friend who was very controlling and manipulative. I stood my ground, and we drifted apart cos she realised there would be no more manipulation. If your other friends have a problem with you saying no, they are not friends either. Get some new friends OP.

[cushtie335]

She's not your friend and neither are any of the associates taking advantage of Rose's generosity by proxy. You can't change her behaviour, you can only change your own. You might as well lie on the floor and have "Welcome" written on your forehead the way you're allowing these horrors to walk all over you. So long as you keep giving, they'll keep taking and you'll get nothing but grief for it in return.

[Crinkle77]

Rose does not sound like a very good friend to me. I think you just need to be honest with her and say look stop volunteering me for things. I can't believe that the other friends even go along with her.

[minkembernard]

OP I suspect that if you actually spoke to some of the wider circle on their own and said something along the lines of, oh god Rose has just volunteered my garden for a party and i simply cannot do it. if only she had asked me first...i feel bad for x...but it is simply out of the question...

I can't believe she did this. she does it all the time. it is a bit annoying.

you would find that half of them would also say. yes i know, she does it to me. once she did x,y,z, and it is really bloody annoying.

because sometimes in situations like this people just go along with it because everyone else does and all it take is one person to say this is fucked up and then everyone else says- glad you said something I thought that too. phew!

and if they don't and they say, you cow I would offer my garden if they asked, then you can say, excellent i will tell rose and her friend that they can have the party at yours.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

rose is not your friend and if she anyone elses friend she would have lent a dress/fed the cats/offer her garden to them

simply say no - i have a new dress im wearing for my 40th this weekend and the party im hosting - no way would i lend it to a friends friend before i have worn it, tho happy to allow a friend wear it AFTER my party

same with the cats, and the party - simply say no

no sorry i cant ...............

just a simple no

and the friend can hire a hall/room in pub if she wants to throw a party for her dh - not sue your garden/house

[Wbdn28]

So many people suggesting the OP should bitch about this woman behind her back, instead of simply telling her assertively that there's a problem. At least tell her to her face first, before taking the coward's way out backbiting and cutting-off route!