AIBU to feel like I'm going round in circles re career v SAHM?

[Rachtoteach]

I have three children - 8, 7 and 10 mnths. Currently am SAHM/housewife. Per kids I was a lawyer which is something I can't see myself going back to it. How on earth to people have a career and kids? I've considered going into teaching or maybe back to law but how do you deal with emotional side of not being able to go to sports days, school plays let alone sort out childcare.

I do like the idea of being a full time SAHM/hw on a permanent basis, so does dh, and although I am always the first to say people 'don't worry about what anyone else thinks', I worry about what people think! I can probably feel justified being a SAHM while dd2 is so little but when she goes to school I think I will feel obliged to go and get a job (and I can't see any way of it being a career, as opposed to a job, without having to put DCs in childcare and miss out some of their schooling bits).,. whereas I wish I could just feel confident in my decision to be a GOOD hw and not worry about what others think! Arggggh I think I was born in the wrong era! Any advice very welcome.

Plenty of us have careers and kids. Especially in well-paid areas like law.

Take the long view. A job that is interesting enough to give you a sense of perspective and some interesting colleagues is a great counterpoint to being a mother. And you are almost certain to want something in another five to ten years. But you dont have to give up everything you believe in for it.

I work for a Uni and we offer a lot of true school hours contracts- all half terms and school holidays off, plus after school every day, plus an allowance for extras like sports day. Of course you get paid loads less than if you worked full time. But you dont have to compromise your home life. And once they are older, you can usually put your hours up to fulltime, if the work is there.

I know other lawyer friends who work for small firms part-time and from home and fit in two days worth of work over a week.

Lawyers in particular ought to be able to pick up this kind of contract, because so many lawyers just want megabucks.

Firstly, don't worry what everyone else thinks!

I will always work full-time. I like my job, it pays well (law), and I far outearn OH. I'll always use good childcare. I don't give a shit what anyone else thinks of that tbh.

I would say think of the practicalities - money, future career prospects (if you want any), pension, what would happen if DH left you/got ill/died. If you can cover those bases, and feel confident that you would be OK financially, then just do what you want!

When women say, "I think I was born in the wrong era," I'm not sure what they are trying to say. Do you mean you wish you were a woman in the recent past when most jobs were closed to us after she became a mother?

You have choices. It's a good place to be.

Are you really going to make decisions over your future because of what you think other people are thinking about you?

being a SAHM and HW is a full time job. Make no apologies for it.

I am a SAHM to 3 DC (1 pre-schooler, 2 toddlers) and I am proud of my decision to make my career raising my family and supporting my DH. However you will get some flack for it, I usually get 'it isn't the 1950s anymore you know' (to which my favoured response is 'I know, shame isn't it'). if you are in the position that you can afford to be at home and that is what you want be proud of that.

When I say i'm a SAHM and HW I mean to the extent that I do all the cleaning, washing, ironing, night wakings, most of the cooking (DH likes to cook so sometimes I just do the prep and he does the actual cooking but only because he wants to), shopping etc - I really do make it a job. I most definitely do not plonk the kids in front of the tv and slob out for the day which seems to be the general opinion of SAHMs!!

It has taken a lot of pep talks, especially from DH to make me realise I should be confident in myself and that I am doing what we believe is the best for our family. and quite frankly, sod anyone else who judges you for it.

DH and I both work full time. We try to juggle our hours to minimise childcare (e..g. one starts early, one finishes early). Plus DH can work at home sometimes.

In terms of school events, I only found these to be particularly numerous at infants school stage. DS at juniors has had 1 assembly and 1 sports day this year (other stuff in evening). I went to assembly, DH went to sports day. I was able to arrange to go in to work late after assembly (as were lots of other working parents there). I took 1/2 a day off to go to DD's sports day (DH didn't go). TBH if you are a SAHM for more than 1 children you can't always go to everything anyway.

Point I'm making is that even working full time, there are options to give your DC some of the benefits of having a SAHP.

I personally miss having people around me and would struggle to be at home on my own all day - but then where I live being a SAHP (beyond DC being very young) is highly unusual - it might be different if there were others about in a similar position.

I was made redundant last year, and it really brought home to us how precarious our financial situation is - we could probably survive on one salary, but we certainly can't survive on none - at least with both of us working we are safeguarding our selves as much as possible.

Following

thisisaeuphemism what I mean when I say it is that I would have fitted in well in a different era because of what I am doing with my life and I wouldn't have the agro of people judging me for it because I would be doing what is considered normal for the time. it refers to be personally, not that I think women as a whole shouldn't have equal rights and life choices etc, just that my life would be easier if I didn't have to keep explaining my 'odd' life choice!

Try and work part time? I have what I consider a decent job - good prospects and decent money (for the hours I do)

Part time work is out there but I think you have to go look it doesn't get advertised you need to use your network a lot more?

I manage a fair % of sports days etc (not all but some)

OP I think deep down you know what the right decision for your family is as it is obvious from your post that you want to stay at home and raise your children yourself. There is nothing wrong with that choice and if you can afford to be at home then I think you should go for it. If you get bored there is lots of voluntary opportunities that would love to have someone with a legal background to help them out and my guess is that if you decided in 5/10 years time you want to get a job having a legal degree should put you in good stead. I think it is really sad how the role of a sahm has been marginalised in society and seen as unimportant when I believe that for families where one parent wants to stay at home this should be encouraged and promoted as a positive choice.

Your children are little for such a small time don't lose those precious years by rushing back to work and missing out.

But... my mother was of the era you have in mind. Once we were all older she went back to work, despite caring for my disabled brother and oxygen dependent grandmother. When we moved house yet again she couldn't get paid work so has run a charity shop for the past 25 years (she is 76 now).

being at home when DC are little is still perfectly normal and if you are being judged for it, you need to take a long hard look at your "friends". Staying out of work forever was never normal except among the very wealthy, who don't seem to be troubled by what others think. Most of us need a workplace pension, most of us could do with some independence in case bad things happen.

Enjoy your time at home with your children until you feel the time is right to do more. In your shoes I would keep my hand in by offering legal work to a suitable charity. If you dont dont fancy that, and you seriously are put off by a "career", perhaps it is time for a whole new area of work? Was your old job so stressful that it burnt you out?

ps to give context, I was SAHM for the first 6 years, PT and homeworking for the next 5, and finally fulltime but very flexible and local once DC were 11, 9 and 7.

I think a lot of younger women/people feel that it's not right to live 'off a man' and they worry about the risk of being financially dependent on a man.

Obviously your DH is happy to finance you and you trust him. Also he will gain a lot from the extra time you'll have to sort things and make both your lives less pressured.

I sometimes wonder if the pressure of both parents working sometimes creates stress and puts a strain on the relationship.

There must be a massive difference between working part-time and working full time.

On the other hand some SAHMs manage to make a full-time job out of helping on PTAs etc!

I think if you feel that you'd enjoy being a SAHM and your DH is happy too you're lucky. No commuting, office-politics, having to wear work clothes, worrying about childcare, worrying about taking time off when the DC are poorly, feeling guilty about missing their important events, taking time off to go to parent's appointments .....

You will save money and probably be more environmentally friendly by being a SAHM - more time for shopping around, more time to make do and mend, more time to cook from scratch, hang out the washing instead of tumble-drying.

You would have much more freedom - if the weather's nice you can be outside enjoying it, you can organise your time the way that suits you.

Recently I went to a short course on parenting teenagers, expecting to feel bad about my parental shortcomings. However I was struck by the number of parents saying how difficult it is to find the time to listen to their DC/ have a meal round the table/have quality family time.

It annoys me that so many working mums appear to look down on SAHMs. Especially as I am free to look after their DC when they need a hand/take them back to my home when the school phones their parents to say they're poorly/have them here when the school is unexpectedly closed due to bad weather/strikes etc.

I still remember during my first job pre-DC how an older and quite senior colleague always seemed to be rushing off to attend to some children's crisis. I blush at how unsympathetic I was, but she was always complaining about how busy she was while being very well-off. I had to bite my tongue to provide her with the obvious solution to her problems...... She was keeping someone else who probably needed the income out of a job too.

Don't worry what people think. Do what is right for you/your family.

My daughter is 6 and has been full time at school since 4 (prep school) and I don't work. I couldn't give a fig what people think and do plenty including volunteering with a charity