AIBU to be upset with my husbands job...

[Pinkslipper82]

First time poster here! So we live overseas in a crappy country and the kids and I have to leave to go to our home country over the summer due to there being nothing to do in residence country.
We have currently been out of the country for 3 and a half weeks and will be returning to residence country in 3 and a half weeks time. My husband travels a lot for his job to other overseas countries. I am an extremely jealous type of person, for no real reason as he does not give me reasons to not trust him, however I just cannot get over my jealousy issues and I am worried of what the consequences could be if I do not get my reactions under control.
This week he has an extremely important week of meetings in an amazing country. This has involved him going out for dinner and drinks at very fancy restaurants every night since last Friday and I am so angry and jealous and I keep sending him sarcastic and passive aggressive texts, I can't help it!!
I guess I am angry as I am stuck in our home country with our two kids aged 3 and 5 and we have all been struck down with a tummy bug this week so I have had a horrible week and he hasn't even asked how we are, just informing me of his wonderful dining experiences and complaining he is tired! I just want to shout at him that it's not fair!!!! I want him to be stuck in his hotel room , miserable and missing us but he is having a ball and I hate it.
How on earth do I get over this? I hate that I am like this but as soon as I hear the text come in, I boil with rage!!!

I think you probably know YABU. Wishing misery on someone you love is just weird and you need to get it under control.

I can sympathize a bit if you are feeling ill and bored but you really need to look on the bright side of your own situation and make the most of it, otherwise you'll just burn up with pointless and misdirected anger.

I used to do a lot of travelling for my job, and it isn't as much fun as it sounds. He probably is tired - you're usually expected to get straight down to work after travelling long distances, regardless of timezone differences and jet lag, and eating out night after night gets to you after a bit.

What country are you in? and what is your home country?

Would you be able to leave DCs with someone occasionally and go with DH on his work trips? You'd have the evenings together, and could stay a few extra days for a short holiday. Its a good cheap way for you both to have a hol.

I think you don't realise how rubbish it actually is being away from home on your own for work. It may be 'amazing' going out for dinner but it is with people you work with and would possibly not socialise with outside of work. My DH works away from home and says he has never felt lonelier so far away from family and friends. At least when at home you have friends/family around whereas he is on his own. Also if he wanted to cheat he would find a way.

Sorry I meant he would find a way to cheat no matter what. He doesn't need to be away with work. Sorry that kinda sounded mean at the end there.

I have just spent a week with work in Dubai. Stayed in a nice hotel, but eating on my own 3/4 nights was dull. I wanted to go to Wild Wadi - could have gone on Ladies Night, but actually it would have been no fun at all without a friend, or more ideally my DH and boys. Went for a walk round the Marina - looked amazingly impressive, but without someone to talk to, the experience was not that exciting. I enjoyed the taxi ride back to hotel when I was chatting to my children!

YABU.

I've seen both sides. Used to have a globetrotting job, and hated the fact that, no matter how classy the first class flight, it was cheeseburger for one and the rolling BBC service at the end of it, and being away from my son, and the tedious, tedious meetings.

Now I'm on an enforced career break having moved with DP's work, and just had twins. And I would give my right arm to be sat in a departure lounge with a good book and to be having an adult conversation with people not in nappies.

To which end, have done what proud suggests above and muscled my way onto a Bangkok trip. I'll only be there 2.5 days, but it's exciting, even looking forward to the flights, have done myself a little itinerary to pootle around during the day while he's sweating over powerpoints...

Could you maybe do that?

I also travel all over the world with work and agree with the comments above but I think it's pointless telling people that the reality can in fact be quite boring, they rarely believe you!

OP - is there something you could do for yourself to make you feel better? Do you have a career that you could plan to return to at some point? What did you do pre-kids?

I dont think you get how grim travelling for work can be. I used to travel all the time for work. I stayed in 5 star hotels and got taken to amazing places by some of my clients. I was taken on safari in africa, on beautiful house boats in India, diving in the Maldives and even on a yacht once for the weekend. It was lovely, but I always felt a bit sad that I was not sharing the amazing experiences with a partner or close friend. It's always a bit lonely.

It just gets lonely and dull and you have to be on your game all the time as you are with clients/colleagues.

I know I would rather be with my DC any time.

Sorry you have been so ill, not nice.

Oh god just reread my post and realise I sound like I used to be a high end Prostitute. Just normal business stuff honestly.

Unfortunately I can't leave the kids with anyone and join him on business trips as we are based in Uzbekistan and our home country is South Africa. No support system in Uz and for me to travel to meet him is really expensive.
I don't think he is going to cheat on me (although I do accuse him of that) I am not in a good space at the moment as I am overweight and have been a SAHM for 6 years so feel like I have nothing to offer him at the moment and jealous of all the intelligent, well dressed, beautiful women he must be meeting on these trips but he is not the type to cheat.

I can't work where we are living at the moment as its a non English speaking country and I haven't worked in so long that I don't actually know what I would do!

You do sound quite unreasonable in the form of sending him narky messages with no provocation other than to make yourself feel good.

I would like to know what crappy country you are in and why you seem to be complaining about weeks and weeks of time back in home country on holiday, pick one to be upset about. I doubt there is any country on the entire planet which offers 'nothing to do'. I realise those comments probably come from feeling like shit and being ill but they sound petty and spoiled.

I would love to go away for any length of time abroad or even a weekend in Cornwall or something but that won't be happening, think yourself lucky.

Do think it's also a bit unreasonable for your partner to not ask how you or the kids are. One little PA text would probably do me though, 'Hi glad you're having fun, me and the kids have nasty bug and are all in a big heap of sick and shit thanks for asking.' and MAKE UP and TALK ABOUT IT when he gets home.

How about taking on other projects then, eg learning the language; long-distance studying to get a qualification ready for when you go back to work.

Don't make excuses, look at what you can do, not what you can't.

It sounds like there are other issues that are adding up and contributing to jealous behaviour, which I think you know is U. Do you need to do more for yourself? Job, hobby, or even just time without kids? It sounds a bit like low self esteem to me. I know living abroad can make this harder due to the lack of a support system. Would you be better off staying in SA and your DH visiting when he can? It sounds like he travels a lot anyway, so perhaps it wouldn't change the amount of time you spend with him terribly?

Also I agree that business trips are rarely fun, but I don't think that is the crux of the issue here.

DH has just been a way for a week (in Stoke, nowhere exciting).
I had a bit of a moan to him about how hard I've found it juggling both the DC with him away.

His response was "at least you got to see the DC and kiss them good night every day. And to sleep in your own bed and organise your own day - not be at the mercy of whoever made your dining arrangements."

Would much rather be at home than away on business trip :)

Lazyfaire I live in Uzbekistan, google it, it's not as exotic and fancy as it sounds. Also I am not on holiday, I am staying at my parents house while they worry and I look after my kids same as I would be doing anywhere else except there is actually playgrounds for my kids to play in here!
I know how I sound and that's why I don't like the way I have become and asked for advice on how to get over it. As it happens have just received a text from him saying that he is out for yet another business dinner and he is bored of the constant work conversation. I have not lived in my home country for 6 years and do not have any many friends as a result so cannot just pop out for a drink whenever I feel like it.

Sleeplessbunny I am learning the local language :-) its really difficult and I am also doing some courses online.

Yes I cross-posted with that, I don't suppose Uzbekistan is high on tourism and know little about it but I stand by there will not be 'nothing to do'. Maybe you need to make your own things to do.

Since you are a first time poster I guess it would be kind to tell you that if you post in AIBU, people will answer your question without pussy-footing around trying to make you feel better. Well, we want to help, but in this case the help we can offer is to say maybe you can help yourself a little more?

Hope you feel better and things look brighter next week, it will be easier to think about when you have properly got over feeling ill.

it sounds to me like you don't really want to go back to Uzbekistan. I probably wouldn't want to either. Do you know what you want? THat might sound like a stupid question, but really I think loads of people (esp SAHMs) don't ever think about what they want or give themselves time to do things they like. I didn't, and when I finally worked out a couple of things I did want to do (only little things, hobbies really once a week) and then went out and did them I felt SOOO much better. It sounds pathetic, but it worked for me. But you have to know what you really want, which isn't always easy.

Rambling a bit, sorry.

OP, I do sympathise in that it?s not easy living away from home with small children in a strange country where you don?t speak the language. If your husband travels such a lot anyway, have you (as a couple) considered looking into basing yourselves somewhere else? I know people who have done that ? and while there?s an increased cost/effort involved in not being in the same place as the job is technically, it can work. I appreciate this might not be an option.
While you?re in South Africa, can you not make more effort to see more friends and family and do fun things? In which case, perhaps you and the DC could spend more time there. I?ve lived away from SA for over 10 years but when we visit I still can generally find old school and university friends to spend time with, as well as extended family.

How about teaching English??

Oh dear!
As you know, YAB spectacularly U. I have been in your situation (although we were fortunate that our postings were no way near as grim as Uzbekistan )
I wasn't jealous of my DHs travelling it was more that I craved to escape my kids, lovely though they are.

You really, really need to stop sending the PA texts and stop haranguing him. It must be awful for him. There really is no good that could come of it. You need to give yourself a good talking too
You need to concentrate on working out how to improve your lifestyle. More domestic help, more trips home, the occasional weekend away, hobbies or whatever works for you.

I f you can't come to grips with this then maybe your DH has to change jobs. Some people are not suited to do overseas postings - especially in countries like Uzbekistan.

Good luck, I hope it works out.

I've always wanted to go to Samarkand and Tashkent but appreciate the reality of daily life isn't the same as a tourist visit.

i think you need to work out what it is youre actually angry about. I suspect youre feeling unfulfilled, lonely, scared and trapped, and this living abroad for your husbands job is very difficult, especially if he travels away a lot too, because you have no support, no friends, and dont speak the language. Of course it is driving you a bit crazy.
Dont be so hard on yourself, but also, I think you need to have a really deep talk with your husband about the future and what needs to happen so that YOU can enjoy life too. Maybe this will mean moving back to SA, even if he has to get a different job? Whatever happens, something has to change, and being passive aggressive and jealous of your husband isnt going to help you, or him, or change anything. It will just make everyones life unpleasant, for no real benefit.

Pinkslipper82 Tue 23-Jul-13 13:56:39

"I don't think he is going to cheat on me (although I do accuse him of that)"

However unhappy you are, however lonely and frustrated- this has got to stop! It is not fair on the poor man, in fact I would go as far as to consider it a form of emotional abuse.

It would certainly be a dealbreaker for me, I would walk out on anyone who kept accusing me of cheating because I would see it as my duty to safeguard my own menal health.

Get help, see a doctor if you think you need to, above all, have a serious talk with your dh about other solutions to your life (less well paid job for him, moving somewhere you can have a career). But don't do it to him.