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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset over a casual shag turning out to be just that.....

21 replies

DotDotDash · 22/07/2013 12:46

Have NCd as I'm pretty upset about this and not a lot of people know.

I was seeing shagging a man who I thought was perfect for me. After about two months of his general disinterested behaviour*, I have come to the conclusion that he's "just not that into me" . There was never an expectation of this to become a relationship, but I suppose deep down somewhere I was hoping he'd fall for me......stupid me!

AIBU to be so upset about this and to feel generally not good enough for any man?

Also, should I just cut contact? Back off and wait for him to come to me? Or ask him outright what he wants?

*e.g. Never asking to see me first, cancelling plans last minute,not texting me for days

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 22/07/2013 12:50

Just don't contact him at all.

He wants a shag and you want more and it's just not going to happen.

It's not that you're not good enough for him, it's that he's not good enough or right for you.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 22/07/2013 12:51

Just cut contact - why would you do anything else?? Don't ask him outright what he wants as he has made it clear it isn't you.

Cut contact and keep pride intact. He sounds like an arse anyway so you have had a lucky escape.

YoniBottsBumgina · 22/07/2013 12:51

YANBU to be upset, but YWBU to hold out any more hope or to think you are "not good enough for any man" - why would you think that? :(

It isn't that you weren't good enough for him - he was just looking for something different to you. You had totally different expectations and perhaps misread signals from each other too?

No reason to angst over it, being sad about it is fair, have a good old cry, pick yourself up and move on. Probably yes cut contact as well - he's not looking for the same thing you are and (I'm guessing) you don't want a casual relationship with him so there is no point in hanging on. You can't make someone love you if they don't want a relationship and it's not any failing of yours, you're just in different places.

Original poster

DotDotDash · 22/07/2013 12:55

to all of you. I just have this irrational voice in my head going "it's because you're too fat/ugly/slutty/boring that he didn't want a relationship with you"

OP posts:

KoalaFace · 22/07/2013 12:57

YANBU to be upset. Even when we try and be all cool and detached about a casual relationship it still often happens that feelings are developed. Let yourself feel disappointed and upset that it doesn't mean the same to him.

Cut contact. Your feelings are too involved now for you to happily be in a casual relationship.

YABU to feel you're not good enough. It's not about "good enough" it's about finding the right person. You're a complete, "good enough" person already. You'll eventually meet someone who you can have an equal relationship with.

Be kind to yourself. Imagine what you'd say to a friend in your position.

squoosh · 22/07/2013 12:58

Don't be silly. Slim/beautiful/fun people get dumped all the time, there's no rhyme or reason, either he likes you or he doesn't. It seems he doesn't but that doesn't mean someone even better won't come along and swoop you up.

I know how it feels though, you can't help who you fall for. But you can help drawing it out longer than needs be.

Dahlen · 22/07/2013 12:59

I'd steer clear of any relationship until you've managed to gag that irrational voice in your head. Sexual predators and abusers are really good at spotting women with that little voice.

It's not about you though. He's just bad mannered. It's not compulsory for him to fall in love with you and 'chemistry's is a complicated thing that can happen for some and not for others and has nothing to do with self worth or beauty or anything. But he could be "not that into you" (a legitimate feeling) and still not cancel at the last minute or leave you hanging - that's just rude.

Chalk it up to experience and know it's about him being a dick, not you. Hope you feel better soon.

Mumsyblouse · 22/07/2013 13:00

Dot that voice is just plain wrong, I think you both wanted something different. My number one rule of dating is only date people who are really really into you (properly, not just as a game/player), then work out if they are right for you. If you start off with someone half-hearted, it always leads to rejection. Do just cut off contact, a quick text 'this isn't working for me, I think we want different things, best of luck' and then delete/block his number and move on.

Relationships are supposed to make you feel better and enhance your life- this one isn't so definitely time to move on.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 22/07/2013 13:03

Agree with all the comments so far - cut contact, and remember it's not you at fault/not good enough.

What I would like to know is why you thought he was 'perfect' for you. This is what you need to look at.

YoniBottsBumgina · 22/07/2013 13:06

You can't fail at a relationship :) Relationships/dating are about seeing how well you get on with or "fit" with a particular person. If the fit isn't right then the relationship ends. It's not a failure, it's just that you both fit with different people, not each other. It can be really crap if the fit isn't quite right but both people insist on forcing it together anyway.

You will find someone who is right for you and there will be no angst or worrying and it will just be good.

EBearhug · 22/07/2013 13:06

I'd steer clear of any relationship until you've managed to gag that irrational voice in your head.

How do you get rid of it, though? Mine*'s been going in my head since I was a teenager, and I'm in my 40s now. I know it's rubbish rationally, but there's still the emotional side. Counselling only helps so far.

*It's my mother's voice, and it's still there even though she's now dead.

EBearhug · 22/07/2013 13:08

And no, YANBU to be upset, but you just have to give it a day or two, then take a deep breath and carry on.

specialsubject · 22/07/2013 13:24

no, he's not that into you. Doesn't matter what you look like, how interesting you are etc etc - you just don't match.

don't regret, but move on.

FreckledLeopard · 22/07/2013 13:27

I know the feeling. Rationally, I can accept that relationships have an element of luck, chemistry etc. However, I still want anyone that I date to be attracted to me and want to be with me, regardless of how I feel about them. Which is obviously insane, but I feel rejected by anyone that isn't that into me.

justmyview · 22/07/2013 13:29

Move on, put it behind you. It's not a reflection on you. Sounds like you were looking for different things. Definitely don't ask him what he's wanting from this relationship, just chalk it up to experience.

StuntGirl · 22/07/2013 13:31

I just have this irrational voice in my head going "it's because you're too fat/ugly/slutty/boring that he didn't want a relationship with you"

No, it's because he wanted no strings attached sex that he doesn't want a relationship. Why on earth people get involved in 'casual' relationships when it isn't what they want at all is beyond me, it will never end well.

Forget him, and find someone who does want a relationship.

ProphetOfDoom · 22/07/2013 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sallyingforth · 22/07/2013 13:43

No point in discussing, he's already shown that he's only after a casual fuck. If that's all you want too, great. If not, drop him right away.
There's really nothing to be said. To keep your self respect, make sure you are the one to do the dropping.

SlangWhanger · 22/07/2013 13:47

This is why I don't think casual shagging works. I dont dissaprove but I think it's more rewarding to do non casual shagging.

TimeofChange · 22/07/2013 13:48

Dot: Don't bother contacting him again.
He just wants a shag when it suits him- you know that already.

Hopefully, he was really good at sex and you enjoyed it - so at least you got something out of it!

You'll find Mr Right eventually!

FreckleyGirlAbroad · 22/07/2013 14:03

Been there and bought the t-shirt, the key ring and the fridge magnet!!!

This "relationship" is clearly giving you more pain than pleasure so it´s time to knock it on the head. He wants something that you have allowed him to have no-strings-attached up til now and from my experience, once something starts that way, that´s how it will always be. If he wanted something more, he would have treated you much better by now. As my friends always said to me, you deserve WAY better and should be in something 50-50 on equal terms, not you doing all the giving/waiting and him doing all the taking. It´s no good at all for your self-esteem in the long run and it took me years to get over falling into these types of situations over and over again.

Find the best way to break it off, either upfront or just ignore his calls requests for a shag.

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