About my dad?

[twilighteyes]

I feel really pretty hurt and fed up this morning, and I am just wondering if I am being unreasonable and whether I am or not if there is anything I can do about this situation, as it's really getting me down.

My mum died when I was in secondary school, and since then my dad has never been without a partner - he went abroad with a woman when my mum hadn't been buried a month. That relationship lasted about a decade, but went horribly wrong towards the end. I daresay there was fault on both sides, but key to me at the time was just that I never felt welcome and it wasn't my imagination. At any rate after my dad split up with this lady he met another one almost straightaway. I was wary initially but realised quite soon she was lovely and really wanted our families to become like one family. Of course, I was in my twenties by then but I knew not only her but her own parents, her two children (her husband had died) and some of her friends as well. Unfortunately, after a few years this relationship ended and my dad met yet another new lady.

As seems to be typical of him he rushed in feet first with the result they were living together within two months and my dad left his house to my brother (more on that later!) and now it seems we're back to square one with the original situation. I am rarely contacted, I can't visit them because it's her house and I can't stay at my brother's because he is prone to be violent due to a MH issue.

I see him now about three/four times a year but he sees his girlfriend's family on pretty much a daily basis and it does hurt to see photos of them all on days out as if he is the father/grandfather.

I don't know, perhaps it's the fact he never invites me there, but sometimes I just feel like some sort of family secret - aibu?

YANBU. Your feelings are perfectly normal. If I'd been effectively airbrushed out of my DF's life I'm sure that I would feel exactly the same. It's very hard on you, as it seems as though your relationship with your DF is governed by the partner that he is with - and his present DP has her own family and is much more involved with them.

Do you have much contact with your DB? I know that you said that you can't stay at his house, but how far apart are you? Would it be possible for you to see him more often, as this would maybe help you to feel a bit more 'rooted' to your family generally, so that you aren't so dependent on the contact with your DF.

You sound very clear thinking and not at all unreasonable. The question of how long to mourn someone special before moving on with life is a tricky one. Some think it belittles the first relationship. Others interpret as missing the deceased so much the bereaved can't face being alone. Either way you shouldn't have been allowd to feel second best to whomever your dad dated.

You may remind your father of your mother so much it upsets him. Or he simply puts himself first every time and can't handle being another person's rock. Fwiw I can't imagine losing my DH and then effectively dropping our DCs.