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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to go a bit 'housemate' on DP?

15 replies

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 21/07/2013 20:11

He's winding me up slightly at the moment, nothing hugely serious but for example;

*Won't give any input into the weekly shop which I do online. He'll say a few minor things that he wants but won't give any input on meals. When he gets home an I'll offer him something (am a reasonable cook - so not offering him minging rot, is nice stuff) he'll make a face. Bit like this:

Have done a weekly shop for tomorrow just for myself and DS. Nice healthy stuff that DP won't eat. Is this mean?

*He'll ask me questions continuously. Where's my hat? Have I got any clean shirts? Have we got any food (see above)? Have I got clean socks? Have you washed this?

I do the laundry. I don't actually mind, quite enjoy ironing if I've got a film on. Don't like the questions. Would it be awful to stop doing his laundry and tidying his stuff? Then he'd know exactly what he has.

*I also occasionally get asked the dreaded question, 'What have you been doing all day?' when the house looks like a palace, all laundry is done, a naice meal is prepared, pets are groomed to within an inch of their lives and I still look like a princess in my mind .

Would I be an utter bitch if I stopped doing the above for a few weeks? Just a few. Maybe three. Or just until he notices.

Not trying to cause a rift. Would just like him to see how convenient I make his life and remind him of tedious it is to wash your own pants. I don't think he appreciates it.

OP posts:

xalyssx · 21/07/2013 20:19

Have you told him that he is annoying you

Original poster

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 21/07/2013 20:23

Yes. Have mentioned it!

He doesn't see his continuous questions as at all irritating..!

OP posts:

ViviPru · 21/07/2013 20:26

"to go a bit housemate"

Are we talking sex-ban here??

Original poster

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 21/07/2013 20:29

Oooooo, no!!

Just with the domestic side of life..!

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 21/07/2013 20:31

Read him this

FadBook · 21/07/2013 20:36

I've never minded looking after our home and our dd but my DP became complacent (still is to a point) until I pointed out to him: I'm. Not. Your. Mum/Maid.

It's all about respect. And I would definitely have one final conversation with him and STOP doing stuff for him. Explain what you will do and what you won't and follow through (god, it's like training a bloody toddler isn't it)

One example with my dp:
DP took his socks off every night and left them where he took them off. I left them there or scooped up and left them on top of the tv or on his pillow. He still didn't move them to the washing basket / machine. A good 10 days later he asks "where's all my socks" my response where you fucking left them if you put them in tue basket, they'll be washed, dried and in your drawer,if you didn't put them in the basket, they'll be where you roughly left them around the house. He now puts them in the basket most nights.

It's pathetic that I want to have a tidy house but have needed to 'train' my other half and live in a messy house to get him to realise im not his fucking maid. He just doesn't see the mess or issue with leaving stuff lying around until he wants something and is hand washing his own underwear at 11.30pm when he realises none of his pants have been washed and are all on the floor in our room at the side of his bed

I digress. YANBU. Stop doing it for him and see if he realises.

KittensoftPuppydog · 21/07/2013 20:43

My dh has his own study. Anything he leaves hanging around is thrown in there. In a big heap. Doesn't stop him, but I just shut the door and pretend his room doesn't exist.
I have been known to put socks in his briefcase though.

Original poster

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 21/07/2013 20:43

Yup. DP does the sock thing.

Also has a habit of coming home and draping t-shirts/work shirts on the backs of chairs or over doors.

Will start leaving them there from now on, you're absolutely right.

Shouldn't wind me up so much but it does.

He's a ridiculously smart bloke but is sometimes so incapable. We were staying with MiL and SiL last week and DP was asking me how to do something that required the teeniest smidge of common sense yet he couldn't do it without help.

MiL, SiL and myself were sitting there like this:

He's a lovely, lovely man. I'm only doing this so I don't end up killing him.

OP posts:

babyhmummy01 · 21/07/2013 20:47

I did this to dp a few months back (blamed pg hormones) but git really fed up with his whinging about bot having clean pants. I had pointed out on several occasions that he a) knew what the washer was and B) if he put his shit in the wash basket instead of all over the bedroom floor it would get washed. He learnt eventually.

The fact I realised I had turned into my mum was frightening though

FadBook · 21/07/2013 20:50

OP it winds me up no end. I do have to remember he doesn't do it to piss me off, he just doesn't realise what he's doing. DP too is an extremely intelligent person but has zero common sense and a mum that did everything for him and the most basic task for you and I would be a challenge for him.

AMumInScotland · 21/07/2013 20:55

I'd say Step 1 = sit him down and tell him just why it is so annoying to be treated as a mother/cleaner and that you expect him to stop doing it.

Step 2 - yep, stop doing stuff for him. If he leaves his socks lying, leave them there. Doing the laundry that is in the basket is reasonably fair if you are in the house during the day and he is not. Going round picking things up where the lazy arse left them lying is not.

ivykaty44 · 21/07/2013 20:55

There is a reason he asks where is this and where is that - it is because you tell him the answer. I will probably be flamed for that comment but it is true - try saying "no idea" and then close mouth firmly do not make suggestions or hints and using that and alternative statements often - you will find he will stop asking as it is pointless. No answer no point in asking.

FryOneFatManic · 21/07/2013 21:06

Won't give any input into the weekly shop which I do online. He'll say a few minor things that he wants but won't give any input on meals. When he gets home an I'll offer him something (am a reasonable cook - so not offering him minging rot, is nice stuff) he'll make a face.

As far as the food goes, I don't offer anything. I saw a lovely plaque on holiday that I'd love to have in the kitchen:

"Today's choice of food -

Take it
Leave it"

Which is the system I have in the house. I'm not a bad cook, so I shop, I cook, everyone eats. I will ask if people have suggestions for future days, but otherwise I meal plan and expect them to eat.

Nagoo · 21/07/2013 21:15

I don't answer the questions now either. He no longer asks me where something is while he is staring into the cupboard at it.

StuntGirl · 21/07/2013 22:32

Well he's just being disrespectful isn't he? So he's not that nice if he expects you to be his maid.

Sit him down and talk to him. Explain you feel taken for granted and disrespected and say what you'd like to change. Then, as previous posters have said stop running round after him. Don't answer his pointless questions. Don't go round picking up his trail of debris.

The dinner thing would piss me right off though. Is there a reason he does it? Do you cook spicy food and he prefers bland food? Do you cook a lot of red meat and he's not so keen, etc? That's really the only way I'vd be willing to let that one go. I would tell him that the next time he pulls a face at what you've cooked will be the last time you cook for him. And mean it.

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