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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am ready for a flaming but here goes

36 replies

Micklinge · 20/07/2013 14:13

It's started already started 6 weeks holidays and kids issues!
We live on a new estate and its great ad there are lots of kids for my children to play with. DS is autistic so I'm hoping it helps with his social skills which are poor.
We had an incident last week with a child who was being mean to my DD who is 8. My DS jumped in an called this child the a b**ch.
I spoke to DS about it and computer time was lost. After he calmed down (huge meltdown) he went around to the child's house with a real apology (instead of a forced - I'm apologising because I have to).
I also spoke to the child's mum and explained that although his autism is a reason it's not an excuse.
She came across as lovely and understanding. Fast forward to today. All children are playing but the child lets call her child A is under specific instructions not to let my DD or DS into the garden with the rest of the children off the estate.
I had such high hopes for my DS and last week was the first time I had allowed him further than in front of my kitchen window where I could see him.
I'm not sure i am strong enough to survive the holidays :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
Micklinge · 20/07/2013 14:14

Sorry for the typos :-)

OP posts:
JumpingJackSprat · 20/07/2013 14:15

Can you go speak to the mum again, maybe invite some kids including hers over to play? Might diffuse the tension.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee · 20/07/2013 14:15

How old is your Ds?

ArgyMargy · 20/07/2013 14:17

Oh you poor thing. Don't lose heart - the parent may be worried about a repeat and that she will get flack from other parents? I'm sure things will settle down, you need to give it time. You did all the right things. Who would flame you??!

Original poster
Micklinge · 20/07/2013 14:18

He's 11 x

OP posts:
5madthings · 20/07/2013 14:21

Oh that's really mean of the other mum, you did all the right things and are making an effort its mean of her to exclude your two children like that :(

Giving her the benefit of the doubt could her daughter just be saying your kids aren't allowed? Maybe and her mum hasn't really said it?

Original poster
Micklinge · 20/07/2013 14:21

Jumping - I had the estate kids including hers in on Thursday and have been dishing ice pops out to them all for the past two days. I hadn't been easy either as I've two toddlers underfoot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Micklinge · 20/07/2013 14:23

5mad - I hope that is the case. I suppose only time will tell. I was thinking of hiring a bouncy castle and inviting the kids round.

OP posts:
TheToysAreALIVEITellThee · 20/07/2013 14:24

mmm....Calling someone a little girl a bitch is rather strong so could be that the girl was pretty upset at being called that by someone bigger/older so the mum has to consider her feelings.

Also I suppose it depends on the level of autism? maybe if the mum cant 'see' it IYSWIM she doesnt feel that its a good enough reason so wants to just avoid it happening again or anything else.

Tough one, if I was the mum I'd certainly give the lad another chance and tell my girl to just ignore anything like that but there are some mums who woudl handle it differently.

Surely all the bloody kids on the estate aren't at this other house? Maybe invite others over or have a bit of a tea party or something to get everyone together again?

WorraLiberty · 20/07/2013 14:26

I know your DS is 11, but how old are the other kids?

And how old is the girl he called a bitch?

5madthings · 20/07/2013 14:26

Bouncy castle is a great idea but you may need to check re insurance?

I hope I blows over, what your son said was wrong but he and you have apologized and he has been punished that should be the end of it IMO.

Original poster
Micklinge · 20/07/2013 14:30

The other girl is 8. In retaliation her big brother who's also 11 did call my DS a nbhed. But I was hoping that they could become friends with having the same interests (computers).

OP posts:
HotCrossPun · 20/07/2013 14:31

I can understand why you are upset.

The other mum has to respect her little girls feelings though. If she is a bit younger than your DS, then she may be scared/upset still.

I'd give it a bit of time.

HotCrossPun · 20/07/2013 14:33

You don't need to censor swearwords.

You are allowed to write knobhead.

WorraLiberty · 20/07/2013 14:34

I agree, time will probably see it blow over.

That's what kids are like, these things blow over until the next row that causes WW3.

WorraLiberty · 20/07/2013 14:35

You're allowed to write bitch too Grin

Mintyy · 20/07/2013 14:35

I am afraid I would be a bit precious about protecting my 8 year old dd from someone who called her a bitch.

DialsMavis · 20/07/2013 14:38

My DS currently hates next doors kids with a passion and is never, ever going to play with them ever again. It will blow over.... The other mum shouldn't have got involved, but are you 100% sure that the mum has banned your DC, rather than the other DC not wanting them to play?

Original poster
Micklinge · 20/07/2013 14:38

Thanks everyone for your support and kind words. Worry it does feel like a WW and you are a legend on here :-)

OP posts:
TheToysAreALIVEITellThee · 20/07/2013 14:40

She might, rightly or wrongly, be worried that your DS is a bit of a bad influence IF she heard her DS call your DS a knobhead in retaliation. It doesnt sound like that at all to me, but that could be the thought process going on in her brain.

She could just be as a pp said just giving everything a bit of space and time. It will all blow over then they will argue over who has got the sword/gun/football/doll etc

Groovee · 20/07/2013 14:41

Hopefully it will blow over and it's just the children being odd. If not I would pull mum up about it.

catinabox · 20/07/2013 14:44

Hmmm. This is a shame. I feel a bit sad for your DS.

It sounded like you handled the incident brilliantly though.

I don't really know what to suggest other than trying to become friendly with the Mum too.

Perhaps next time her DC come and play in your garden / have an ice pop etc you could say

'oh, i hope you don't mind your DC played in our garden the other day. I know you weren't to happy with them playing together after the incident' 'It all seems to have settled down'

If she is pleasant, perhaps you could talk to her about your DS Autism a little bit.

A bouncy castle sounds like a great idea. Maybe later in the summer when the parents will be more than happy to have someone else anyone!! supervise the children for the afternoon.

Viviennemary · 20/07/2013 14:50

I think the other mum is being mean. OK your son shouldn't have called this child a bitch. But it's only a word. Hitting and bullying is much worse in my opinion. And after all the other child was being mean to your DD and he only saw it as defending her. I'm sure it will all blow over soon.

froubylou · 20/07/2013 14:53

Personally I won't have kids in my garden or home that can't or won't be well behaved. I know if your son has genuine issues that may be seen as harsh but my dd is just 9 and I can let her and her friends play with minimal supervision which means I can get on with something else not be babysitting them all. Probably something assimple as that.

He's said sorry and you have explained to his mum. Nowt else you can do lass!

If he's moping around take him for a walk or to the park or something. He will forget about it all quicker that way.

CockyFox · 20/07/2013 15:04

Ds's best friend is autistic, I am happy to have him around our house but he can be hard to handle. So, as wrong as it probably is, if we have DD's younger friends around I ask DS to pick a different friend to invite, as the nature of the best friends problems make him unpredictable.

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