to think its better to be honest with your kids about previous drug-taking than lie to them?

[quesadilla]

Want to get the mn jury's vote on this. DH and I are at loggerheads on this.

I used to take a fair amount of drugs recreationally when I was younger. Over a period of about 15 years I smoked weed and took ecstasy and cocaine, fairly regularly.

I'm not proud of it at all, I wish I hadn't wasted so much of my money and brain cells on it. I think it probably limited my drive and ability to push myself to an extent and didn't help my mental strength. On the other hand I don't think it's done me any major, long-term harm either. And that's partly because I never really got into heavy drug use or drug dependency. I always knew where to stop. I haven't touched anything (apart from a very occasional toke on a joint at parties) for over 5 years and nothing at all since my dd was born.

DH is very anti drugs, has never so much as smoked a spliff in his life (though he does drink).

The question is how much of this to 'fess up to with dd. She's now just over 2 so its not (hopefully) going to be an issue for some time, but I need to figure it out.

DH takes a very hard line on this and wants to be zero tolerance when it comes to drugs. I strongly wish that my dd won't ever take any drugs and will warn her that they are a waste of time.

On the other hand, I want to have an honest conversation with her about this. I want to admit to the fact that I used to use them as I think it will give me more credibility on the topic. DH thinks this should be totally off limits as admitting to having done it tacitly acknowledges drugs are OK.

I believe quite strongly that part of the reason some teenagers don't take any notice of drugs advice is that the advice is often wildly wrong and contradictory. Drug education programs vary, but in general they tend to tar all drugs with the same brush, so there's no distinction made between, say, cannabis and heroin. I'm not going to say there are no risks involved with even soft drugs as there clearly are, but it seems to me that if you tell kids that smoking a spliff will put them on a high road to heroin addiction they will quickly figure out that its rubbish, making them less inclined to listen to you when you warn them off much more dangerous drugs.

So that's why I'd rather tell my dd that I would strongly advise her not to touch them at all and will be disappointed if she does, but be clear that some drugs are much more harmful than others and she should make sure she gets as much information as possible about them if she ever decides to try them.

Who is right?

Op
Regarding your question about who will get hooked and who won't, i've been honest about that too - that there is no way of knowing and therefore it isn't woh the risk.

Worth the risk

I also talk to them about alcohol.

I don't think any good can come of telling lies to your kids.

Holly - no

I completely agree that there needs to be a conversation about what leads kids/adults to take drugs and what the other options are. I had no confidence and felt like I never fitted in. Drugs gave me artificial confidence and a group of friends who wanted me around because I bought drugs. None of it was real though, and I wish that I had found confidence and friends through an activity rather than chemicals. I hope to give my children the option of the second route.

I was also looking for a family because mine was not so good, so I hope by giving my kids a warm loving home environment it will stop them looking elsewhere for it. Unfortunately I found what I thought was family in the worst places.

I agree that alcohol is probably the greatest risk, and I was able to tell you most of the likely risks of it from age 14 or 15 or so, as my mother made sure we were educated on the risks, ostensibly while telling some guys a few years older than we were that she worked with. Somehow, I totally failed to connect any of this to her own gin habit that caused her to end up needing emergency blood transfusions and nearly killed her, and eventually did contribute to her death some years later.

Drugs was discussed from time to time - one girl I was at school with got into trouble with glue sniffing and various things and ended up in care for a bit, and there were one or two others. None of it seemed relevant to me, though. I mostly knew about drugs in the same way I knew about the Periodic table or the Reformation or conjugating irregular French verbs. I'm not sure I was very normal.

If you did take them yourself, I'm not sure total silence is a good thing. In my mid-20s, I discovered the main reason I knew very little about my mother's life before she met my father was that she had totally gone off the rails as a teenager, and ended up in rehab for heroin. The thing that shocked me most was not the drugs, but that I had never had the slightest inkling of any of it (obviously this is a very shortened version of everything), and that my father, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles must all have known, and I never heard a word from any of them on this. If they can all be completely silent on that, what else might have been hidden? Is there anyone else I can trust?

I think perhaps if I'd at least grown up knowing there had been some dabbling, because it was the '60s, and many people did, even if I hadn't had all the gory details, it wouldn't have been such a total screw up to me.

I do also recognise that my experience does warp my views on what might be a normal and wise way to deal with things, but I think not even acknowledging your own past is unwise, because it may come out at some point anyway.

I think it depends on what your child is like when they grow up. If they are a sensible and mature child that you can sit down with and explain your past and your regrets and they'll listen, take it in and not judge you then tell them.

On the other hand you may end up with a stroppy teenager who would use it as blackmail material or something to throw back in your face every time you try and discipline them, or to use as an excuse for their own bad behaviour I would agree with your husband that it's better not to tell.

There are so many variables which make a difference I really don't think you need to be worrying about this for many years yet.

Those of you who mention alcohol are totally right... this is probably more worrying that soft drugs, imho.... just that its a slightly different conversation. There's no way my dd is going to be able to avoid contact with alcohol....

Holly - "rob you of the ability to enjoy a night without it" - this for me is key. It's not just the risk of addiction/suicide/depression, it's the impact it can have on moderate, recreational users. It can drain the fun out of everything non-drug related.

When I have children I'll be completely honest with them.

I was absolutely horrified by the effect of alcohol after I attended a lecture on the liver (Arranged by my school) at the age of 15 however when I went to university I spent 3 years (and several afterwards) getting paralytic on a regular basis.

yet I was 21+ before I took my first drugs.

I am not yet in the position where I have to make this decision. I think it's a hard one!

Recreational drugs ARE fun but there are huge downsides, and they can spiral out of control with some people and effects can be unpredictable.

I'd feel a massive hypocrite saying 'drugs are bad m'kay' when I have enjoyed many years of hedonistic fun every couple of weekends, while getting a first class degree, professional qualifications and performing extremely well at work. My life has been richer in terms of friends and relationships and fun, poorer in terms of cash, and many wasted Sundays feeling physically crap and some tricky depressing weekdays a few days after a big party.

Would I do it all again? Yes. So it would be very hard to say to my (hypothetical) children that drugs are 100% bad. But different people react in different ways, and some people have a really bad time and things go wrong in a major way and I'd hate that for my DCs.

I have told my children nearly everything (but not quite) with some true life anecdotes which hopefully have done more to put them off than 'rugs are bad m'kay'

that would be drugs not rugs

Lying to my daughter won't be an option for me. It's silly to lie.

I'll tell her the truth. Appropriately for her age and understanding.

I will tell her all about the dangers of alcohol though. I don't drink.

I believe quite strongly that part of the reason some teenagers don't take any notice of drugs advice is that the advice is often wildly wrong and contradictory. Drug education programs vary, but in general they tend to tar all drugs with the same brush, so there's no distinction made between, say, cannabis and heroin. I'm not going to say there are no risks involved with even soft drugs as there clearly are, but it seems to me that if you tell kids that smoking a spliff will put them on a high road to heroin addiction they will quickly figure out that its rubbish, making them less inclined to listen to you when you warn them off much more dangerous drugs

I agree with that.

DH recently had this conversation with dsd who is 15. she was well aware of him smoking weed as he only recently gave up but she had no idea and was shocked to hear about his previous cocaine addiction, the end result is basically anything we do or did is considered completely uncool by dsd so more likely to put her off for life than anything. DH won't lie to her and as a result we both hope she would be honest with us if she was experimenting.

whois well this is the exact dilemma I'm wrestling with and this is why its hard with DH who didn't go through this process.

DH comes from a relatively poor and socially conservative country and didn't have the luxury of having affluent parents and the chance of a tertiary education, so I don't really expect him to understand these attitudes.

But if I'm totally honest, I did enjoy taking drugs and though I grant I was lucky with this, I didn't suffer any significant downsides or at least none I'm aware of yet. I think I probably could have got a slightly better degree and could have progressed at work earlier if it hadn't been for the miserable Mondays and general lack of focus. But its nothing that hasn't evened out for me in mid-life and the effects of having a child on your career are far more damaging than a bit of weekend partying.

But I know I was lucky with this, it could so easily have been otherwise: several people I knew, including one person I was close friends with as a teenager, went on to develop serious drug problems.

And I don't want my beloved dd to take those risks....

quesadilla is it worth then highlighting the risks you were taking? Not just the risks of the drugs themselves but also some of the unforeseen consequences?

I have traveled a lot for work and a caution for possession might have made some of the places I traveled to far less easily available to me. Imagine the embarrassment of explaining to your boss why you cant go on this or that business trip!

My DCs are teens now. I think that one of the hard lessons for children to learn is when saying "sorry" isnt enough. The possible consequences of drug taking or drinking to excess definitely fall into that category.

my dad told me he did magic mushrooms when I was younger and I just thought he was a fool.

Well done everyone I am pleased to return and see no buns and dismembered body parts

I feel strongly that if you want dc to be honest with you, you have to be honest with them.

Much to my exs horror I have no intention if lying to my daughter about anything in my past. I will however release information as and when I see fit.

I do think it is important to draw a distinct line between crack / smack and other drugs.

There absolutely is a sliding scale and I think a message along the lines of these drugs aren't good for your body or your brain and leave you vulnerable and exposed etc etc and these drugs are a death warrant if any one ever offers you them stay the fuckaway from them.

The whole drugs are just bad thing led me to get a lot more involved in the whole thing than I think I would have otherwise.

The only drug I never did/would try is smack and I have one dear friend to thank for that. 11 years on the only clue I have he is still alive is the £5 child maintenance that gets deducted from his giro and sent to my best friend and their kid.

I've lost some beautiful people to smack and I don't feel I could adequately share these experiences with dd without being honest.

But if I'm totally honest, I did enjoy taking drugs and though I grant I was lucky with this, I didn't suffer any significant downsides or at least none I'm aware of yet. I think I probably could have got a slightly better degree and could have progressed at work earlier if it hadn't been for the miserable Mondays and general lack of focus. But its nothing that hasn't evened out for me in mid-life and the effects of having a child on your career are far more damaging than a bit of weekend partying.

quesadilla I think you have to look into yourself and really think what your opinion on your own drug taking is. Are you just looking at this through the rose tinted spectacles of a parent of a young child?

If you cant honestly say that you regret your drug taking then I dont think you can give your DD the 'dont do as I do, do as I say' message.

What is the message you would give to your teenage self?

That is what i was thinking Worry.

Just to mention another slant on this, the DSs and I wer watching channel 4 news the other night and there was apretty horrific report on drug gangs in Honduras. It wasn't hard to see that the market for cocaine is directly linked to the mess this and otherbcountries are in. That hit home to them.

I think if you tell your dc that you took drugs then it's a green light. Mine will will be told "just say no". (I took loads).