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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think its not my job to remind my exh about our dd birthday?

62 replies

desperateforaholiday · 18/07/2013 12:22

Its our dd's birthday today, we separated years ago and on the whole things are quite amicable.

Anyway he's forgot (his partner had a baby last week), just had a text off him saying I should have reminded him wtf!

My dd hasn't mentioned the lack of cards from any of her dads family but I know she's aware (she's 12 today)

I don't see why I should remind him, no one reminds me, ive sent him a text back saying its not my job anymore, ive yet to get a reply.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 18/07/2013 12:56

If he has remembered every year in the past then considering his wife has just had a baby, I would cut him a bit of slack.

This ^^ really

enjoyingscience · 18/07/2013 12:57

thecat Arf at filofax vagina. How inconvenient in a meeting to have to rustle around in ones pants to check a date.

SanityClause · 18/07/2013 13:00

Would you forget your childrens' birthdays, if you'd just had a baby, then Worra?

Wow!

Holliewantstobehot · 18/07/2013 13:03

texted my exh the dates for the summer hols three times in last month - he then txt can u send dates for hols - I ignored it - new txt where are dates????? Told him have txt u dates three times already - he claimed no knowledge of this. Gave him dates again.
Day before yesterday phones to say can't have kids overnight as doing diy??!! Then says they are on holiday now though aren't they - NO THEY ARE NOT!!!!! ARGHHHHHH!!!!!

WorraLiberty · 18/07/2013 13:09

Did I say I would Sanity?

SanityClause · 18/07/2013 13:15

Well why is it okay for the OP's Ex to do so?

WorraLiberty · 18/07/2013 13:17

Oh dear god I didn't say that either, did I?

I just said I think considering he's remembered all the other years and his wife has just had a baby, the OP could cut him some slack.

Actually someone else said it but I agree.

YouTheCat · 18/07/2013 13:20

That would be fair enough if he hadn't then sent a snippy text to his ex. Why should she think to remind him when he has remembered in the past and has plenty of contact with his dd?

He forgot. His fault.

dufflefluffle · 18/07/2013 13:26

If I didn't remind my dh about dsd's birthday (or indeed our own dc's)when she was small he would never have remembered til the day or several days later (by which time it would've been too late to send a present as we lived abroad). It wasn't that he didn't love her but that which is not under his nose gets forgotten about. IMO that is just the way some people are - I would not think it is your duty to remind him any more than it is his new partners - unless you choose to do so in order to spare your dd's hurt feelings.

SanityClause · 18/07/2013 13:27

She could cut him some slack for forgetting his daughter's birthday?

Well, all she did was say that it's not her job to remind him of his DD's birthday.

She hasn't said what he did was unforgiveable (although it is pretty crap, frankly) just that it wasn't her job to remind him of his own responsibilities to his existing children.

And FWIW, I think he should be thoroughly ashamed of himself, and should certainly not be blaming other people for his inability to remember one child's birthday, in the excitement of another one's birth.

Numberlock · 18/07/2013 13:29

If he has remembered every year in the past then considering his wife has just had a baby, I would cut him a bit of slack

Yeah, great conversation to have with his daughter. "I've just had another baby so you're lower down my list of priorities this year."

SanityClause · 18/07/2013 13:32

I mean, remembering your own children's birthdays isn't really all that difficult, is it?

I can't imagine even ever forgetting (except in extreme circumstances like memory loss, or something).

flowery · 18/07/2013 13:35

"flowery - really?"

Er, yes. Not her job, but personally I'd prefer to avoid dc disappointment altogether rather than not remind ex to make a point.

However as he usually remembers fine it's probably not necessary to do that anyway.

HaughtyCulturist · 18/07/2013 13:38

I would have thought that if your wife had just had a baby, the proximity in the calendar to your other child's birthday would be forefront in your mind.

Swiftly followed by "I must make sure that my first born doesn't feel replaced in my affections by the arrival of the new baby".

Cut him some slack?

bluebell8782 · 18/07/2013 13:40

He was wrong to have a go at the OP - I imagine that was probably guilt and panic.

I agree with dufflefluffle my DH is the same

Dahlen · 18/07/2013 13:41

at Filofanjo.

Am sitting on the fence on this one. If it were me, I probably would reply in the Hecsy manner out of sheer outrage that he'd considered it my responsibility to remind him. In fairness to him that was probably just a thoughtless remark borne of defensiveness because he knew his behaviour was crap.

Still not an excuse though. We've all been in the sleep-deprived haze that accompanies a newborn and forgotten appointments, extended family birthdays, etc. I've yet to think of a single mother who has forgotten her elder child's birthday just because she's had another baby though. Also, it's not as though it arrived out of the blue if DD had been talking about it for weeks beforehand.

OxfordBags · 18/07/2013 13:42

The vagina is not a built-in diary has become my favourite ever phrase, and I shall be using it as much as often. I might even get it made into a mug and have it sent to my brother, who expects me to tell him when our parents birthdays are, when mothers and fathers day are, and asks what he should get them for every present-requiring event. He is 37. I haven't told him for years now, yet my parents blame me if he forgets.

Op, it wasn't your job to tell him. If one parent can remember, the other can too. He's just trying to assuage his guilt. I would love you to use Hecsy's reply to him, though

SanityClause · 18/07/2013 13:47

You know, if the new baby had been really poorly, and they were at the hospital every hour god sends watching over it in the ICU, and they had somehow managed to lose track of the days, then cut him some slack, certainly.

But under those circumstances, it wouldn't really be appropriate for the OP to be "reminding", anyway, and I think a 12yo would definitely understand (mine would).

Thisisaeuphemism · 18/07/2013 13:47

Cut him some slack? - hilarious - its him who is texting his ex-wife a complaint that she is not looking after him well enough?

josiejay · 18/07/2013 13:49

I think his wife having just had a baby is all the more reason to be extra thoughtful about his dd's birthday! How upsetting for her when she's already dealing with her dad having a new child, if he can't even be bothered to remember her birthday. He should be ashamed.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 18/07/2013 14:21

his wife having a baby is a reason for "oh my god i am so sorry i feel awful how could i have forgotten things have been manic but its still no excuse i'll make it up to her i am so sorry..."

it is not a reason for hurumph why didnt you remind me.

Original poster

desperateforaholiday · 18/07/2013 18:47

Just to update, he has finally just text me back to say that as he will be seeing her at the weekend he'll get her something then. Tosser

OP posts:

Justforlaughs · 18/07/2013 19:01

My DH can't remember MY birthday, let alone the DCs! and they are RIGHT UNDER HIS NOSE and how he doesn't remember I have NO idea as all they talk about is "in 25 days", "in24 days", "in 23 days" ad infinitum! (not that I've got a 13yo talking about hers being "in 19 days" right now! )

Justforlaughs · 18/07/2013 19:02

And "no"OP, it isn't your job to remind him, but if I had any reason to believe that he would forget and that it would upset your DD at all, then I would remind him anyway.

IneedAsockamnesty · 18/07/2013 19:34

They forget all the time because people who pander to them by reminding them of things they are grown up enough to remember themselves, give them permission to keep on abdicating responsibility for remembering.

No op its not your job but its not especially a burn at the stake offence its more a grovel and get a better gift than you intended to one.

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