to be pissed off with ex and his pregnant missus?

[urtwistingmymelonman]

so ex and I have an eight year old son together who he sees every weekend.
they are expecting a baby together and so are my oh and I(bit Jeremy kyle I know!).
its ds's birthday in a couple of weeks and it will be falling on a weekend when his dad has him.
I presumed his dad would be happy about this and would be doing something with him as he has whinged for the last six years about how he never has him on his birthday and never gets to take him out for birthday either.
considering I have arranged and payed for trips to theme parks,animal parks,parties etc for his birthdays for the past six years I don't think this is a unfair expectation.
I have also arranged to take him and a couple of school friends out to the cinema and pizza hut the Friday before his birthday as my b'day treat to him.
however,son comes home last weekend and says that dad wont be doing anything for him on his birthday as pregnant missus doesn't really want to be on her feet much and cant go on rides etc.
im royally pissed off about this as I feel that that's her rigfht but why cant they go out without her?
it seems that since she has been pregnant ive had to pull ex up on a lot of things regarding my son being affected by her needy mood swings.
imten years older than her,on my second pregnancy and just getting on with things as normal.
very worried that ds will start to feel pushed out by them and new baby and also as a result may start to feel that it will be the same with my bubba too which it most definitely wont!

[LittleBearPad]

YANBU at all. Not quite sure why stepmum can't stay at home if DS does want to go to a theme park.

Also not sure why one poster referred to the dad stepping up. How is he stepping up - the birthday just happens to fall on one of his access weekends. He's made no effort whatsoever.

[roundtable]

I've never known a person's birthday not to be celebrated on the day. Even just with a special meal cooked at home and presents but people tend to do something.

I don't get the your child will get over it attitude. Isn't there copious threads on mumsnet from adults who haven't got over their childhoods? Not being arsed to celebrate a birthday would be a rather hurtful event.

Op, yanbu. Could you suggest a low key activity or just father and son activity as some of the more balanced posters have suggested?

[Dahlen]

I don't think YABU OP. I think your X not wanting to go to a theme park or something is perfectly reasonable, but he should be doing something to mark his DS's birthday and this is more important than ever with a new baby on the way. Your DS should be made to feel he matters and is important and that he won't be sidelined by the arrival of a new baby.

That could be nothing more than a really special birthday tea and playing games with dad so that he has his full 100% sustained attention. It doesn't have to be an expensive no-holds-barred fun day out. But it should be something.

Have you spoken to your X about this yet? Maybe he has something in mind but because he's knocked the theme park idea on the head your DS has interpreted that as doing nothing. Not quite the same thing, but the fact your DS has interpreted it in that way is a useful way to start the conversation about your X making sure your DS doesn't feel excluded by the arrival of the new baby.

[neunundneunzigluftballons]

In so far as I agree with you completely YANBU but if you carry it further YABU it is up to your exH how he parents his son. This year for various reasons we could not do a party for dd near her day so on the day we did cake and candles and had a family tea and the 3 weeks later we did a cinema kfc thing with her friends. Those treats sound exactly like what you son will have assuming your ex and his partner do not just ignore the day. If you do not make an issue and then your ds will not be any the wiser. Seperated parents should not necessarily mean 2 big birthday treats but this year you should have been able to forgo your event because your dh stepped up so he is being incredibly thoughtless.

[Hellonewworld]

I'd be annoyed tbh. Why does his partner have to go? Cant just the two of them just have a nice day out out or evening together and she stays at home?

[sashh]

YABU for using the word 'bubba'.

How far along is she? Is she is due in a couple of weeks I can see her point, if she's not showing yet then I can't.

Suggest Dh takes ds and dw to a water park.

[DownstairsMixUp]

Well I think YANBU, i would say something if it was my lo's dad to. I had a hard pregnancy so can understand that, but then surely the wife can stay at home with her feet up and let the boys go out and do something? Just seems like the sensible thing to do rather than just sit indoors on the boys birthday. That way no one misses out.

[HoldingHigh]

YANBU. Just because the girlfriend doesn't want to be on her feet all day doesn't mean your son should miss out on doing something with his dad on his birthday. If it's a theme park (fair enough she can't go on rides), but I went to a theme park with my DH and ours once whilst pregnant and pretty much sat on the benches while the kids enjoyed the rides.

If she doesn't feel up to it what is wrong with her planning to do something with her friends while dad does something with his son?

Also she doesn't want to be on her feet so there not doing anything. What's wrong with going out for a meal together to celebrate (if he's young enough somewhere with a nice play area and a park?)

[NicknameIncomplete]

I had this with my ex.

He couldnt do this because of gf.
He couldnt do that because of gf.
In the end he decided that gf was more important & now doesnt see our child.

Why does the gf need to be involved?
Why cant father & son go out for an hour or so just the two of them?

[DontmindifIdo]

Wait a moment, so your ExH left you 6 years ago for his current DP, but both you and her are pregnant by him now? so you've gone from being the ex, to being the OW, to being the ex again? If I was his DP, forgiven him for cheating with his exW, I wouldn't want the ExW to be telling me how we should be managing our time when DSS was staying. And considering your exH has got someone else pregnant while his DP is pregnant, it's hardly surprising he's still at the stage of doing whatever she wants and not leaving her for the day at the weekend. If you are still pregnant now, then his cheating on her is quite recent, they are unlikely to be at the 'fully trusting again' stage yet.

However, it is rather shit he's not doing anything with his DS on his birthday, but are you sure he isn't and isn't just planning a day out that's not a theme park and hasn't told your DS about it yet? I'd start by asking ExH if he's got plans for DS's birthday and if you need to pack anything different (like swimmers etc) for that weekend.

[OHforDUCKScake]

This is a question for all those saying 'YABU'

If it was you that was pregnant in this heat, and it was your eldest childs birthday but you werent up for going out and about but your eldest son desperatetly wanted to out and celebrate his birthday with his dad, your DH, would you seriously tell your son and your husband that this wasnt happening because of your predicament? Why because you 'do things as a family' so you expect everyone else to stay in and suffer just because you are big, hot and pregnant? You would let your eldest child miss out on their birthday? Really?

[fedupofnamechanging]

YANBU OP. If the exh was pg then he'd have a fair point in not wanting to do anything too active. However, it is only his partner who is pg and I fail to see why this state of affairs affects his ability to keep his promise to his son.

As a parent it is absolutely your right to step in if you see your child's other parent breaking promises and pushing your child aside in favour of his new baby. If you don't look out for your child's best interests then who else will?

You are being a good mother and I do not think that being divorced means you have no say in how your child is cared for when with his other parent, if you feel his interests are not being best served.

[ModernToss]

You have got the wrong end of the stick, DontmindifIdo. See the second line of the OP.

I agree with every word ReindeerBollocks says: a) this is a great time for some last-minute father and son bonding, and b) she can stay at home and enjoy the peace and quiet.

[DontmindifIdo]

aha! sorry, ignore my post!

[Owllady]

I don't think you are being unreasonable either tbh but I think the blame lies at your ex's feet really, he should just organise to do something without pregnant girlfriend or otherwise do something they can all do surely?

[Owllady]

lol at the mix up dontmindifido
you are like my Gran when she mishears something and then goes off ona tangent mid conversation about something else:o

[BridgetBidet]

When you say they're not celebrating it do you mean they're not celebrating it at all? Like, nothing. Or do you mean that they're not celebrating it in a way you want them to e.g. they are going to cook him a meal, buy him presents and have a cake.

TBH if they're doing something (like having a meal and a cake) I really don't think you have a leg to stand on. There could be other reasons like finances to consider and to be honest as long as they are doing something I don't think you can dictate, they aren't obliged to explain to you their exact personal financial circumstances or her medical history.

If they genuinely are doing nothing at all then just don't send him.

[OctopusPete8]

Is it her first? I was very mood swingy with my first.

you're getting on with it because its your second and right now in a biological way your son is not her priority,

What is she doing that is so bad?

[SpecialAgentTattooedQueen]

This is a question for all those saying 'YABU'

If it was you that was pregnant in this heat, and it was your eldest childs birthday but you werent up for going out and about but your eldest son desperatetly wanted to out and celebrate his birthday with his dad, your DH, would you seriously tell your son and your husband that this wasnt happening because of your predicament? Why because you 'do things as a family' so you expect everyone else to stay in and suffer just because you are big, hot and pregnant? You would let your eldest child miss out on their birthday? Really? hmm

OhforDUCKSake got it in one.

[OctopusPete8]

reading it more I think if she is saying no to the theme park, then she is wrong to do that , but your ex needs to step up and but his son first.

[Cravey]

I can sort of see your point but like others have said maybe you need to back off a bit. Surely as long as your son is seeing his parent not being abused, starved or beaten then its nothing to do with you. Maybe the stepmother is having a bad pregnancy, maybe not. However it's your sons time with his father and stepmother and what they do is up to them. As long as your son is cared for then that's all that matters. I think you need to take a step back and leave dad and step mum to sort it out.

[OHforDUCKScake]

I wonder if anyone will answer my question?

Probably not, I cant see an answer to it that wouldnt make you sound like an A-hole.

[urtwistingmymelonman]

hi all.
I haven't slunk off with my tail between my legs.
just got in from work:)
wow.
my op certainly divided opinion.
just to answer a few questions.
I don't know a hundred percent what has been said so I will be testing the water gently when I chat to his dad on Saturday when he picks him up.
by the time his b'day arrives ex's gf will be 31 weeks so labour wont be imminent and im sure she could manage a couple of hours on her own as she does so during the week when hes at work for eight hours a day.
to the pregnant step mum who said that its not fair for dad to take him out separately as they are a family and do things together I disagree.sorry.
my current partner has two teenagers from a previous relationship and I have no problem if he takes them out and I don't go as sometimes I just don't fancy going to watch motorcross biking anyway!
I go out with my mum for pamper days and my dad gets left behind.
if he started pouting and said'but were a family!why cant I come?'
we would,quite frankly,think he had lost the plot.
and as for the poster who said I am bitter about them having a baby?
really?
since when does being concerned about my son translate into bitterness?

[urtwistingmymelonman]

dontmind.
you post made me laugh.
how could you glean so much wrong info from my post.lol:)

[OHforDUCKScake]

Well put OP.

Bitter? I missed that one. Like I said in my first reply to this, its just the AIBu argumentative metality that just say YABU for the sheer hell of it, for arguments sake, so they can feel holier than thou.
Its bullshit.

Bitter indeed! Tsk.