to be pissed off with ex and his pregnant missus?

[urtwistingmymelonman]

so ex and I have an eight year old son together who he sees every weekend.
they are expecting a baby together and so are my oh and I(bit Jeremy kyle I know!).
its ds's birthday in a couple of weeks and it will be falling on a weekend when his dad has him.
I presumed his dad would be happy about this and would be doing something with him as he has whinged for the last six years about how he never has him on his birthday and never gets to take him out for birthday either.
considering I have arranged and payed for trips to theme parks,animal parks,parties etc for his birthdays for the past six years I don't think this is a unfair expectation.
I have also arranged to take him and a couple of school friends out to the cinema and pizza hut the Friday before his birthday as my b'day treat to him.
however,son comes home last weekend and says that dad wont be doing anything for him on his birthday as pregnant missus doesn't really want to be on her feet much and cant go on rides etc.
im royally pissed off about this as I feel that that's her rigfht but why cant they go out without her?
it seems that since she has been pregnant ive had to pull ex up on a lot of things regarding my son being affected by her needy mood swings.
imten years older than her,on my second pregnancy and just getting on with things as normal.
very worried that ds will start to feel pushed out by them and new baby and also as a result may start to feel that it will be the same with my bubba too which it most definitely wont!

[MammaTJ]

I don't think you are bitter and I don't think YABU, except in the pot noodle comparison. I do think you cannot control it! You can control your attitude to it and the way it impacts your DS.

I would be interested to hear your exes response to your question and also how he squirms when you give him some of the replies given here.

[urtwistingmymelonman]

exactly.
I know kids can take things the wrong way and what they say cant always be taken for gospel which is why I wont be jumping in all guns blazin'.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

As a mum of a 9 year DD whom ExH repeatable lets her down I think YANBU to feel upset and sad for your DS.
However, YABU to tackle your ExH on it. He can choose do spend his time with your DS as he wishes. You are organising a birthday treat for your DS with friends. Your DS is old enough to know and remember which parent put him first.

[PrettyPaperweight]

I wonder if anyone will answer my question?

I will - and if it makes me sound like an a-hole, so be it!

I gave up the opportunity to co-parent with my DDs Dad when we split. When we were together, we made joint decision about her life - when we split, we agreed how responsibility would be shared and now we are apart, we trust each other to care for DD even if its not the way we would do it ourselves.

I don't expect my DDs Dad to explain himself, I accept his parenting style is different to mine and I only ever discuss issues regarding DDs safety/health, not get involved in his parenting decisions.

The OP wants her ex to mark their DS birthday - but her ex may choose not to. It is not the OPs right to demand her ex does everything she would do to keep her DS happy - neither can the OPs ex dictate how she chooses to parent him.

[urtwistingmymelonman]

pretty.
two parents who are separated should parent in the same way.
its called consistency.
if you don't have consistency in a childs life it just confuses them.
and your lucky that you and you ex make the correct decisions about your child.
not all situations are like yours.

[wharrgarbl]

This thread is so stereotypical - mum complaining that Dad doesn't do enough, but when he does up his game, mum complaining that he's not doing it right.

Eh? I don't see this at all. And yes, dad needs to do something for boy's birthday.

[Ezio]

I see a mum whos annoyed that shes listened to her ex moan for years about not having DS on his birthday, now he does, he cant be arsed to do anything with DS.

That'd piss me off too.

[SoupDragon]

Op, you are getting an unnecessarily hard time for no reason.

For comparison, my XH (who is generally a self centered wanker) took DS2 to a theme park for his birthday treat. Leaving (as I understand it) the OW his partner and newborn behind.

Unless the GF is nearly due, there is no reason your X can't take his son out for a treat, just like he has claimed he has always wanted to.

Part of being any type of family is realising you are allowed to do things separately.

[SoupDragon]

This thread is so stereotypical - mum complaining that Dad doesn't do enough, but when he does up his game, mum complaining that he's not doing it right.

Where has he upped his game??

[PrettyPaperweight]

And yes, dad needs to do something for boy's birthday.

Why? Because Mum says so? Not all DCs are parented the same way - and there are plenty of DCs whose parents here on MN don't have bells and whistles on their birthday!

If not having a birthday treat is the biggest issue the OP has to worry about when her DS is in his Dads care, then her DS is very fortunate. The fact that she has placed it in the same catagory as poor nutrition and insufficient meals suggests an interesting set of priorities!
Pick your battles - once basic care and health needs have been resolved, then added extras like birthday treats can be addressed.

[namechangeforaclue]

I think you are being ur and ott.

[flowery]

I find it strange that you are getting so angry about this before you've even spoken to your ex to clarify what he is planning for your son's birthday tbh.

If you speak to him and say "DS thinks you're doing nothing for his birthday, can I just check, is that correct?", and he says yep planning to do nothing, then YABU to not be happy about that.

[namechangeforaclue]

Also no two parents that seperate should not parent In the same way and you should not expect it. By parent in the same way do you mean do what you would do in every situation?
Often two parents that live together don't parent in the same way so why you would expect it to be different after a separation I don't really understand.
What if one of the reasons a person left was a difference of opinion in parenting.
Would you still expect them to tow the other partners line.
You sound controlling op, I would let if go if I were you.

[PrettyPaperweight]

melonman who decides what 'correct parenting decisions' are?

I can assure you that I strongly disagree with some of my DDs Dads decisions, around Internet access, personal responsibility, suitability of gifts - as he does about my decisions regarding household chores and independence.

We don't agree - but I'm not arrogant enough to believe that my way is correct and his is all wrong!

[Boredwench]

Oh I love MN hyprocrisy on threads like this, on this site a pregnant woman is the second coming. If a pregnant woman doesn't want do something she only has to utter the words 'I'm pregnant' and virtually all this site will jump behind her and defend the decision. So it's quite funny seeing those sticking the boot in and jumping behind the OP and saying the Ex's missus is being unreasonable for 'using' her pregnancy to decline a day out, and how she doesn't need to be 'fanned and hand fed grapes' to paraphrase some of the responses demeaning her. I've seen no end of man bashing on here and countless 'aibu' hammering men for going out for a few hours (even if it's work) and how his pregnant wife MUST ALWAYS come head and shoulders above everything else. Hmm quite funny now the preganant wife is the 'other woman' and where the MN loyalty lies.....

As far as I'm concerned, the OP is beyond being reasonable, she's being a twat about this. So what if the son doesn't go to a theme park (or something equally as grand), so long as the day is marked I don't see the problem, oh I forgot....it's the ex daring to do something the OP doesn't agree, of course he's all in the wrong. I've been between two parents vying for control, can see it a mile away. This is far beyond the son's birthday, this is trying to bring the ex 'into line' so he places the OP above his new mrs.

Get a grip OP, you're using this as an excuse to needle your ex and probably deep down (you won't admit it) you're pissed his new mrs is pregnant. Not fun losing queen bee status is it???! I'm sure I'll get a cutting response, truth hurts....

[Ezio]

Errrrrr OP and her OH are also expecting another baby, so the shes jealous arguments are probably a bit pointless.

[SoupDragon]

Boredwench I"m guessing you ignored the bit about the father whinging for the past 6 years that he hasn't got to do anything on his DSs birthday before and the promise that he would.

And the fact that no one thinks the poor little pregnant woman needs to be involved, she can sit at home being fanned by the wings of angels for all anyone cares.

This is about the father and his son.

[PrettyPaperweight]

This is about the father and his son.

Quite. A situation that doesn't involve the mother in any way.

[SoupDragon]

You seem to have invented an awful lot of utter bollocks using what the OP has actually posted.

[SoupDragon]

Quite. A situation that doesn't involve the mother in any way.

No, not at all. If the son is disappointed/upset then it is the mother's business.

What it isn't is any business of the step mother who does not actually need to go on any outing she doesn't wish to. Most normal people would have said "Oh, you go by yourself, I'll stay here with my feet in bowl of iced water. Have a lovely time" and looked forward to the peace. Assuming she is not about to give birth or having complications.

[SoupDragon]

I make DSs sort out any problems that occur at their father's house. Or rather I encourage them to. If they can't/won't I will put their point of view across to him where it is warranted. More often than not I seethe at things and simply sort them out myself. I am not on speaking terms with my Ex, the OP is apparently on good terms with both Ex and his partner.

The OP said I don't actually give a monkeys what they do UNTIL it affects or upsets ds.

[Boredwench]

Bollocks.....There's nothing been said by the ex (the OP herself has said she hasn't discussed it with him fully) to suggest the say will pass by unnoticed. Getting all het on hypothetical what ifs......

Put aside the son for a second, if a pregnant woman posted on here is she being unreasonable for stopping her husband/bloke going off to work or whatever for hours whilst she was pregnant, there would be no end of responses supporting her....

Rather than pontificating endless on here about the future, the wisest thing would be to pick up the phone and clarify with the ex what he's going to do to mark the day. All that's gonna happen on here is the OP is gonna get more and more fucked off as every one adds in their 2ps fuelling her anger/frustration even more.

[PlatinumStart]

No idea why you seem to be getting a hard time in relation to this

Frankly any father who cannot be arsed to put on a party for his eight year old is a bit of an arsehole

[FredFredGeorge]

two parents who are separated should parent in the same way.
its called consistency.
if you don't have consistency in a childs life it just confuses them.

That is a parenting decision there, I simply do not believe two parents even when not part of other families too need to parent the same way, nor do I think it in the slightest bit confuses people, understanding people.

Your belief is that they need "consistency" (and quite how celebrating a birthday a particular way is consistent I don't know!) but other people don't, you have to get over it.

[FobblyWoof]

I'm on the fence on this one, although I'm swaying more towards YBU. While I can understand your frustration that you do choose to do these kind of things on your DS's birthday and his dad hasn't, it is exactly that- a choice.

When I was growing up we didn't have the money to go on days out for our birthdays and all of us being born in winter it was rarely nice enough to go out and do something for free, but our birthdays were still special. So I really wouldn't say poor DS etc as he can have a very lovely day. There doesn't have to be a big grand gesture on his birthday and you do choose to do this. Fair enough for you, but other people have the choice too.

And I can also understand your point about them being able to do something without the GF but it's not fair to comment on her pregnancy. As I'm sure you know, every pregnancy is different and if she doesn't feel up to then she doesn't. I wouldn't want to walk round a theme park in this weather, pregnancy or no pregnancy.