AIBU about unsupervised play?

[CottonWoolCandy]

I'm a regular but have namechanged for this as I genuinely can't decide if I'm being U or not . . .Dd is 4 and her cousins are 8 and 9. When they are playing in our garden, I always supervise them. However when they are at home, dsil lets them play outside on their own. Dsil's garden has a tree house, climbing frame and a fish pond. It's also easy to access the other gardens on the street from their garden and to reach the road (the gates don't lock and are easy to open).
I won?t allow dd to play outside in their garden without an adult supervising. AIBU? Dsil and dh both think I?m being over protective.

Hmm, I let my 6YO & my 4 YO play out unsupervised in the garden & the fields backing on to my house. They have to tell me if they're going in the fields though & have a half hour time limit before they have to report back.

The pond would be a potential worry for a four year old though. I probably wouldn't want them out there without an older sibling or cousin.

Reading all your responses, I think I probably am a bit overprotective about dd climbing stuff. I'll need to try to back off a bit on that front - thanks for the reality check.
Although, just to check, would you let 4-yr-olds climb frames over concrete? grass? padded play area tiles?
I'm starting to realise my sense of danger is probably a bit skewed. I had a bad fall as a child and ended up with broken bones and in hospital for weeks (hmm maybe that's where dd gets her clumsiness from!) so I do tend to view everything through that prism even though I was extremely unlucky. Some guidance from MN-users who didn't end up in A&E as a child, might help me to recalibrate my risk assesments!
(Although when it comes to dsil's garden with the pond, I think I'll probably still say dd can't play out alone with her cousins until she's older.) Thanks for all your response!

No a 4 year old needs supervision in that environment I think and the responsibility shouldn't be passed onto an 8 year old to do so.

Mine are 5, 8 and 10, and I don't think I supervised them in the garden ever. First moved to house with a garden when youngest was 18 months. The gardens we have had have been secure, and previous house had no pond, back door open, toddler potters in and out. It was no different to being in another room. I usually kept and eye through the window while I was doing other things.

Moved to house with a pond when youngest was 3.5. Pond had a grid cover, and we really wanted to take the cover off.

dh did some internet research. he discovered that children who die in ponds are mostly around 18 months or 2. There were no incidents of children older than 5 dying in garden ponds over the last however many years.

So the second summer in the house when dd2 was 4.5 we removed cover from the pond. All 3 play unsupervised in the garden. There is climbing frame, swing and pond.

There have been accidents, all of which would have happened if I had been sitting there watching, eg ds nose dived off the climbing frame when he was about 7, dd1 tripped on the path and scrapped her knee and so on, I would hear the shout/ cries/ screams from the house even with the doors and windows shut!

Grass or play area is fine. My DS is only 2 but probably climbs 6ft up fine.

I don't supervise my 4 year old in the garden. He could undo the gate if he wanted. We have a climbing frame but no pond. I still don't think I'd feel the need to supervise him constantly around a small, shallow pond - he is very sensible.

TBH I don't fully supervise my 2 year old in the garden. If I'm in the kitchen (we have French doors) and he is out there with his big brother, I just stick my head out every few minutes. He is too little to open the gate. If it went quiet I'd go out straight away, but as long as I can hear their chatter I'm quite relaxed about it.

I would be concerned about the pond but none of the other things.I wouldn't think of taking the pond cover for my own DC really until they are at least secondary age.It is so easy to trip or step backwards when theyare running about,
My view might be coloured by a relative who drowned at 7 though

should point out that our pond is small and shallow. My parents had a huge deep pond, and we would never have left children unattended in their garden

I ended up in a&e twice as a child with broken bones!

I wouldn't supervise my 4 yo in my garden or your SIL garden. I let her climb anything she wants to.

My PiL garden has a pond, & has unsecured access to a country road & a river. I don't supervise my 4 yo there but I most definitely supervise my 21m old. At home, I let them both play out in the gated alleyway without direct supervision, although I will be in the garden/kitchen.

and I have just plated a rose bush at one end, so if they are racing down the garden, they hit the bush before the pond!

I see, your OP sounded like you meant just the 8 and 9 year old when they were at home.

I think that's sensible advice from Steppenmum.

I do get a bit twitchy when I see them climb in precarious fashion over hard surfaces but I force myself to let them do it. I Had my share.of broken bones as a child, I quite liked the kudos.

My dad is an inherent risk-taker, much more than me , still rock-climbing in his 60's ( and very well too). My mother is a fearful, panicky type. I know which one has lead the fullest life.

As Arthur Ransome said. 'Better dead than duffers'

He had a point.

I think YANBU due to the pond issue, BUT I think that if you tackle this the right way then you can reduce risk.

You need to talk to your 4 yr old about the dangers, make them aware. It is also important that you instil a sense of responsibility in the 8 and 9 yr old, so that if they ARE to play outside with your child, they know what to do if you dd does get into difficulty. Speak with your SIL about your worries. Don't make her feel like she's doing anything wrong, go at it from the view that it's your dd who is not used to ponds!

How deep is the pond? How well does your dd deal with water? Perhaps if this is going to be an issue for a while, basic swimming lessons would be a very good thing, at 4 my sister could swim very well, because we lived 2 minutes walk from the beach, it was essential that she could keep her head above water for a couple of minutes at least, and SHOUT.

YANBU in your fear. YABU to assume that it's your DSil's issue, this is a challenge for you and there is a way to deal with it.

I would supervise as it is not the 4yr old's home location, and they are cousins not siblings. I do let my nearly 4 yr old play within earshot but not necessarily direct line of sight (e.g. I might be emptying dishwasher). The paddling pool is there at the moment but only 5cm water, if he went quiet (rare) I would be on it like a shot, and he can swim and can regain his balance in fairly deep water. I am happier when his 8 & 6 yr old sisters are there because one of them can come and get me if needed. Wouldn't go upstairs and leave him unsupervised. I do think generally as a nation we do need to relax a bit, and am trying to give the girls more freedom now. Might even let them go up to the shops alone in 10yrs time!

3birthday, would you really not go upstairs & leave your four year-old unsupervised? Really?

3birthday, would you really not go upstairs & leave your four year-old unsupervised? Really?

Well, we all have to do what we re comfortable with, so I'm not going to say YABU or YANBU, but personally I'd have let my 4 yr old play with 8 and 9 yr old cousins in those circumstances. I mean, I presume you are around and about,glancing out every now and then, not scooting off to the pub in the next village.
Equally, by (then 8, and then 9 yr old) played out a lot with our 4 yr old next door neighbour, across the 2 gardens. I think as long as someone has reminded the older ones that the cousin / friend whatever is littler than them if you think they are the sort that might forget, then they'd be fine. A 4 yr old should be able to stay away from a pond once reminded.

I don't get the link with watching them every minute or not and broken bones - people break bones all the time when they are being watched. If they are going to fall awkwardly, then you watching them do it isn't going to make an iota of difference.

Depends on all sorts of factors:

how much work has gone into training the 4yo beforehand?

what kind of experience the cousins have of being responsible for somebody else and how much work has gone into preparing them?

how demarcated is the pond from the part of the garden where the children run around?

how adventurous/disobedient is your 4yo?

Thanks everyone.
BackforGood the garden is an odd shape and has a shed so you actually can't see the pond or the climbing frame from the kitchen or living room windows. You can see the climbing frame from one bedroom window and you can't see the pond unless you are outside in the garden with them.
cory the pond isn't demarcated in any way.
aldiwhore dd does attend swimming lessons. I don't think the issue is her being able to swim or not. It's more that if she tripped into the pond then no-one in the house could see and if her cousins were in the tree house, they couldn't see either.

The pond would be an issue, you can drown in very little water.
If there wasn't a pond it would be fine.
Life must be very difficult if you can't be upstairs when your 4yr old is downstairs. My 2yr old was up high climbing frames - he copied his brothers- I used to let him get on with it but I wouldn't have wanted him doing it unsupervised,but was far more relaxed about 4yr olds on garden climbing frames.
I agree with cory.

I still supervise my 4 year old around water (even a shallow paddling pool) but I would be fine with the other things. DD1 (almost 5) has been playing unsupervised in our garden for some time, and it has a trampoline, slide and free access onto the road.

It does depend on the child though- I know that DD1 won't go anywhere she's not allowed, and will be fairly sensible.

I wouldn't leave him unsupervised playing in the paddling pool no Ahandful as I say he is fairly confident in water but they can drown in shallow water. If his sisters were around it would be different.

I should say that the only reason I have to go upstairs in the day is to clean and put clothes away all of which can be done when he's not in the pool which is only up about 3 days in the average Btitish summer. No big deal for his safety.