To think I am the world's worst mother?

[ToughTimes]

That's it really. I realised today that I am a shit mum. I have a 29 month old ds and a 7 month old. Today was one of those days where I wished I was anywhere but home. My toddler is CONSTANTLY either talking incessantly or a combination of shouting/screaming. From the moment he gets up till the moment he sleeps. He asks for me all the time, sometimes even shouting for me in his sleep. During the day if I so much as pop into another room, he screams till I come back. If I am on the phone he screams till I gets off. If I am breastfeeding the baby he screams until I put him down. He has the attention span of a typical 2 year old, and is extremely highly strung. It literally is non-stop. And whoever I talk to says 'he's just a child' (which obviously I know he is) but it's just so fucking fucking fucking SUFFOCATING. I actually wished today that I had a minor accident which would mean I could stay in hospital just to get away a bit.

I don't think I have PND as when I'm away from the toddler (2 sessions of nursery a week), I'm absolutely fine. It's just I find him so overbearing sometimes. I'd give my life for him, but I just dislike spending so much time with him. He was an extremely high needs baby, and I thought he'd grow out of it as he got older but he is still as demanding as ever. I think I need to get away but DH won't entertain going away (even for one night) without them. I am bfing baby anyway, so not really feasible. But I can dream, can't I?

Obviously I hate myself for feeling like this. And prepared for the flaming of my life. But would love to hear from someone who's in a similar situation and how you cope.

I have 2 DDs and the older was very demanding and testing like your DS. Between about 8 and 18 months I was constantly entertaining her or she was watching TV or sleeping, there was nothing else! I used to do the washing/clearing up when DH finished work or when the TV was on. From 18 months she was occasionally able to play on her own for 2-3 minute but it was a long process. Now at nearly 4 she plays with her sister quite a lot and will play on her own a bit too. Last summer was unbelievably hard work (she was just 3), I think she really missed the routine of nursery.

Is there any way that you can ignore the shrieking and give yourself permission to cook dinner / feed the baby /hang out the washing and say something like "Mummy is busy at the moment, you need to find an activity to do by yourself" or even empathising without giving in - "You're very cross, you wish you could play with Mummy". If you can stand the screaming, maybe just start for 3 minutes at a time and if you keep it up he should start playing on his own for a few minutes at a time. Also praise him for not screaming whenever the opportunity arises.

We also used a Montessori preschool and I used some of the words and phrases they use there to help set expectations e.g. "this is your sister's activity, you need to find your own" etc. I also try "What would Miss X say about this?".

Also we went out or had friends over a lot at that age, we did about 3 things at our local Childrens' centre, 2 toddler groups, a drop in soft play group at the leisure centre and lots of meetups with friends.

I really like the book "Calmer Easier Happier Parenting". You can get the first chapter free on a Kindle at the moment, I have found it really helpful with my more challenging child.

The power in your relationship with your ds is way out of kilter - he, at 2, is controlling his own life (with shrieking or the threat of shrieking). He cannot handle that. You need to do him a big favour and take back control. Somewhere along the way you developed a fear of him being upset. He needs to see that when you say something you mean it so he can feel secure. You need to show him that he can shriek all he likes, that's not the way to get what he wants.

Definitely knackered. Definitely need a break. Do I sound terrible that I'd like this break a million miles away from the children and DH? Just me, and a great book on a lovely beach somewhere with a cucumber margherita!

Back to reality, DS1 is shouting for me, despite only being in bed 20 mins..

I think it's brilliant that DH wont go away without the children. He can take a week off work and look after DS1 and you can go away for a week with a friend (and DS2). Perfect.

Book DS1 into as much childcare as you can afford - it wont hurt him and you will retain some sanity. Some kids are just bloody hard work for their Mum's (and yet not for others).

Yes yes chipping.. My mum is full of EXCELLENT advice when she has him for a few hours. She's always telling me he was as good as gold for her, but I should try and encourage him to 'play a little by himself'.. Like a haven't tried that a million freaking times!! I want to scream at her, "yes of course he was fucking tolerable with you, you've let him draw all over his hands and legs in BIRO, which I won't let him at home!"

I think it's brilliant that DH wont go away without the children. He can take a week off work and look after DS1 and you can go away for a week with a friend (and DS2). Perfect.

Hear, hear, Chipping!

I'd love to be that brave chipping, but I don't think the guilt would let me go away without DS1..

Tough times, when dd was a toddler, I looked forward to having four wisdom teeth taken out as it would be a bit of a break from her.

Have to go now, but think you should definitely go down the nursery route.

Wishing you strength

Thanks everyone. You have all given me strength and much comfort. Hopefully it will improve xx

I have a 3 year old and an 8 month old. Early in DC2's life I felt a little like how you describe. Things much more settled and balanced now we're all back into a routine and used to the changed dynamic. I am booked in for abdominal surgery next week though and I can't lie, I'm looking forward to it for a break!!!! That's really sad, isn't it??!

My DD is like this at home, expects my undivided attention 24/7,but when we are out at groups or she has a little friend round she is much better. she is very extrovert and needs company all the time, a bit like your DS. Go to as many mother and toddler groups as you can and set up play dates/coffee with friends. You won't get any housework done but life will be much more fun.

I would like to ask one really, really hard thing of you - make a real concerted effort to drop the guilt sounds glib doesn't it? We are surrounded by a society that penalises mothers for being people too. You in particular are surrounded by people that can't put aside their own agenda to hear you, to validate your feelings and support you. The last thing you need is to be held hostage by your own guilt.
You love your son, you would die for him, you keep him warm, clean, fed and loved - do you honestly believe that you would make choices that weren't in his best interests? That having time to be you is harmful to him?
It's easy to say give yourself a break but I would love you to try to let the guilt pass, accept it and let it go. It always feels worse when you are stressed & exhausted - let it wash over you and then carry on. It will get easier.

You were not kept in a cupboard with no life of your own until you were unpacked as 'mother' - you deserve to make supported choices that work for you including time away and breaks.

I agree with some of the great advice above and not only have I had a demanding child, I've had a lot of them - different things will work for different children - sounds patronising? honestly I wish someone had said 'I know you are ap, I know that solutions like lovebombing and other positive parenting stuff is how you want to go - nobody discussed that with your kid ' so look at all the techniques available that fit within your comfortable zone, give them time but if it's not effective move on.
Lastly, you know what? It's ok to firefight and just manage best you can - it might not be your ideal, but it's ok, do what you must until you are in a place to tackle things more comprehensively. Look at the bigger picture, he has solid boundaries at nursery & input from your DH & superparent mother it's not all on you and neither should it be, he will soon be rational & communicate better, once this happens it might feel like parenting a completely different way and be the age you excel at. No one has been fucked as a person because they needed containing at 2 you will parent him for many years yet, you have time.
I so feel for you but honestly it gets better - get DH to hear your side of things though, you married a good guy that loves you, he should do what you need if he knows what that is.
And ignore your mother.

You're not a shit mum, you're A mum, you're a mum who needs a serious dose of TLC and a confidence boost.

I've always thought I was, despite fearing otherwise, a good mum, and then we'll go out in public or be in the presence of family/friends, and my children suddenly seem to go out of their way to show me up as actually the worst mother that ever walked the earth!

I do think deep down, I'm a good mum with a large side order of fear that I'm not as good as I think I am!

YANBU, but you don't come across as uncommon! You sound like you're human, please try to be objective about it all, you are doing much better than many. Also, I've found (and I'm still surprised even though my children are 9 and 5) that often those who bark on about how great they are, are no better and no worse than you.

All you can do is keep going and be a little kind to yourself in the mirror each morning, and TALK, find someone you like (friend, acquaintance who could be friend) and drink WINE with them, laugh til your belly aches, confess to little things because in the telling, quite often you realise that actually you're not crazy, you're not awful, you're normal!

Definitely not a shit mum. When ds was 4 and dd 1 and wed had a month in the house with chickenpox I looked forward to my appointment at the dentists like I used to look forward to a night out!

Dd is 2 now and adorable but hard work and she isn't even especially whiny! Ds is 6 and going through a Kevin the teenager phase and it is unbearably draining. The two if them talking at me all day long (week 3 of holidays here) is enough to drive me round the twist!

I feel crap that my house is a tip but dd constantly needs a per / poo / drink / food / someone to play with. Argh just writing it down makes me stressed!

No practical advice other than ignore your mother, mine thinks that ds in particular can do no wrong, and I mean that literally (eg he nipped his sister because I wouldn't listen to his emotional needs I.e give in) . I just ignore her now.

I looked forward to my appointment at the dentists like I used to look forward to a night out!

That sounds VERY familiar!

Thank you so very much. I feel much better today, despite a shit night of sleep. I will def try and stop feeling guilty. DH suggested I booked a holiday for us all last night, but the thought of the same crap going on in a different location depresses me, quite frankly. I will look into going away, just me and ds2 for a night, for a change of scenery.

I knew when I wrote in on mumsnet (I'm a regular, have name-changed) that despite risking a possible flaming, you would all make me feel better and you have. Lots of love to you all xx

Youre not a shit mum, you're just honest! Good luck about the holiday plans.