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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit concerned by this re my inlaws.

49 replies

HeffalumpTheFlump · 17/07/2013 09:35

Went out with dh's db last night who is absolutely lovely. He's 21 but still lives at home, and is quite easily led by his parents as they can be complete bullies and he is quite sensitive.

Iv posted about the ils before as I have concerns regarding their behaviour in the past and also once my baby is born in the near future.

Dbil is beyond excited about the baby but said a few things that worry me a little bit. He said that he can't wait to hold the baby, but followed it with "when dad lets me", talking about fil. He also said he would love to look after her when she is old enough to be away from me, but again said "if mum and dad let me" (definitely talking about pils not us).

I stopped him there and made it clear that any decisions about who will be looking after mine and dh's child will be made by us. We would have no problem with dbil looking after our baby as he is a lovely responsible bloke, who is going to absolutely adore his neice. He started to say "but mum and dad said..." but then went all quiet.

There have been arguments between us and pil in the past which dbil hates so I think he probably decided it was best not to say anything. From the gist of the conversation, my best guess is that they have said that they will be having our baby, but dbil will not be having her. Dbil was genuinely surprised when I said we would be happy for him to look after her once she is old enough and he has got to know her and her needs. He clearly thought there was no chance, and our relationship with him is really good, so it hasnt come from us.

Aibu to be a quite worried and pissed off that it would seem pils are dictating to dbil what he will and won't be allowed to do with our child without speaking to us? In all honesty I would trust dbil with our baby 100x more than my pils!!! He is sweet, loving and kind and his only fault is being bullied by them. I made it clear to him that he is always welcome to see her at our home, and will be one of the first in line for baby sitting duties when I'm ready to be away from her.

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Original poster

HeffalumpTheFlump · 17/07/2013 19:36

Wow it sounds like your mil is seriously threatened by how close you are to your dbil. Sounds like she isn't happy that you all get on so well! If my mil stoops that low there will be serious hell to pay. Your poor dbil, I bet he was heartbroken!! Your mil sounds a bit like mine though which is rather worrying. I'm glad your dbil got caught in that rainstorm as otherwise he could have missed out on months of your dd's life before things were cleared up.

I think we will similarly need to make it crystal clear to dbil that all instructions about the baby will be coming from us, not them. I think I started this last night, but will make sure it's very clear.

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Original poster

HeffalumpTheFlump · 17/07/2013 19:38

Tidy - I think you might be right. Next time we see them together I will make a point of talking about it.

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DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 18/07/2013 00:33

Heffa

One thing you WILL have to do is explain to Dbil that the PILS will try and punish him for being shown favour. Because of his FOG he thinks they have the right to do that for any reason or indeed none at all. BUT: it always comes as a surprise. That's how bullies work. When I was at school being hammered, it wasn't the constantly vicious ones that bothered me, it was the nice/nasty ones.

Reassure him of your love and respect for him, and keep the spare room ready. He needs to "zip up the man suit", yes, but he'll need help.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 18/07/2013 11:25

Would it be out of order to say that tho I know your DBil is going to have a hard row to hoe for a while as his parents aren't going to relinquish their control easily - it's unfortunate, but it's true - am really excited for him as it's going to be the start of his "blossoming", as it were? "Yay!" for your DBil, and "yay!" for you for being such a lovely and caring SIL!

wickedwithofthenorth · 18/07/2013 12:18

Mil is just crackers, luckily I don't have to see her very much.
She doesn't like me very much, dh was meant to be her baby forever and she didn't like it when he decided he didn't want that anymore.
It's hard to believe now but with your dh onside pils really won't have any power once baby comes, they can say what they like but it's your baby.
At new year when mil and gmil were being controlling dh decided no one was going to hold the baby but us and controlled it with a fist of iron, since then they've been much more agreeable to our faces.

pigletmania · 18/07/2013 12:26

Your bil sounds lovely, encourage him to move out. Mabey you and dh could find somewhere where he could rent, or HA. He weds together away or tey will continue to bully him

pigletmania · 18/07/2013 12:26

He needs to get away

ChippingInHopHopHop · 18/07/2013 12:38

Heffa - you are so lovely and your DBIL is lucky to have you. You did a very good job with DH, I'm sure you can both help your DBIL. He really needs to get out of there - can you help him to find a very cheap shared flat??

Original poster

HeffalumpTheFlump · 18/07/2013 16:38

I agree that my pils are not going to make it easy for dbil, but I'm not willing to stand back and let them dictate the relationship he will have with our child. Looks like I'm going to have to be brave all round where they are concerned!!

I will continue to encourage dbil to move out, actually saw a three bed place that would be perfect for us all today but the lady wants to swap for a bungalow, not a flat :(

Wicked - my mil was the same. I was the evil woman corrupting her baby. Suddenly she was phoning him 10 or more times a day and would be irate if he didn't answer. When we moved in together she made it clear that if he did so he could never come back, tried to emotionally blackmail him into staying, cried, screamed, the lot. Things got better from then on though!

Thanks for all the advice :)

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Original poster

HeffalumpTheFlump · 19/07/2013 11:32

Update re my ils - after a conversation with dbil last night, it has also come to light that they have told him he would not be welcome to come and meet our baby at the hospital. Despite us not having said anything about this, they had decided that they would be coming but not dbil. We haven't even bloody invited them!!

Dbil spoke to me about it because he was upset that he wouldn't get to meet her, and I made it clear that what they said was not right. They have done a similar thing as wicked's mil, saying that he would be intruding on our family time and that we wouldn't want him around.

We decided a while ago that dbil would be one of our baby's god fathers, so hopefully that will send a clear message as well as our actions that he is going to be VERY involved!!!

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WinkyWinkola · 19/07/2013 12:39

God Heffa, your pils sound absolutely dreadful. Why are they doing this? Not only destroying their son's self esteem but without realising it, making you want to keep them at arm's length too. Vile.

Your bil understands he must always check with you before he believes what they spout out to him?

Original poster

HeffalumpTheFlump · 19/07/2013 14:43

They are doing it because they are seriously flawed individuals. They like to control everything and they are trying to do this now. Weirdly, although they treat him badly, I think they keep putting dbil down because mil doesn't want him to move out. The less confidence he has, the less likely he will be to leave. Fil is just an out and out bully who belittles others to make himself feel good.

I think dbil is getting the idea that what his parents are saying couldn't be further from the truth, and we will keep showing him that we love him and want him involved. Hopefully making him godfather will give him some extra faith in that.

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ChippingInHopHopHop · 20/07/2013 02:56

Heffa - you definitely need to have the conversation with him that anything that concerns you, DH or the baby will come from you, not them. That he is not to listen to what they are saying and that you want him to do what he wants to do and if he has any doubts he should ask YOU or DH and not listen to his batshit parents. He needs to be made to understand what they are doing before it gets totally out of hand.

Marcheline · 20/07/2013 03:27

Heffa, you obviously know YANBU bit I jut wanted to add my voice.

I would be seriously worried about letting your DD develop any kind of strong relationship with your PIL. Of they really are this toxic (and I'm sure you're not having us on, you sound lovely) then I would not want them around my child for any kind of prolonged period of time and definitely NEVER alone.

BTW, I think asking DBIL to be a godfather is a brilliant idea. Will he an extra-special bond for them to share. I have sisters and DH has brothers, and DD1 absolutely adores them all, and they her (DD2 is too small to have a relationship with them yet but I'm sure she will). It would make me so sad if either my parents or PIL tried to sabotage that bond. I think that children have great healing powers and you might be surprised at how drastically having your DD in his life cam affect your BIL, for the better.

wickedwithofthenorth · 20/07/2013 05:11

If I didn't know better I'd say we shared a mil.
My bil is trying to move out at the moment, has keys to his own flat and everything. He just hasn't been able to go through with telling mil yet because of the performance she'll go through. She's still not recovered from the bad back she developed when she caught him glancing at the property pages. Dh and I are waiting for the fireworks when she actually finds out about that one. I really hope he finds the strength to go through with it as planned next week.
We send most updates about dd through bil as dh hates talking to her on the phone, that is one of the things that gave him a major boost, also helped with the interrogation he faces every time he goes home. He likes being able to give her a simple sound bite before she has the chance to start on him.

garlicagain · 20/07/2013 05:26

My instinct is to feel that they are already trying to control things regarding our child

YYY, and I'd advise having no bloody contact with them about your baby at all. They're not going to settle for anything less than 'ownership' of their grandchild, quite possibly excluding you from the equation, so they're going to fall out with you anyway. I suggest you start putting large distances between them and you as soon as possible. I realise no contact will be impossible, at least until DH has broken their strings and rescued his brother, but you may as well recognise that it's a war from now onwards.

You do sound lovely, and DH! The way you're helping BIL is great, too. More power to the three of you - soon to be four :)

Sounds like wicked's PILS and yours came from the same madhouse

Original poster

HeffalumpTheFlump · 20/07/2013 07:47

Oh believe me, I have serious concerns. I spoke in another thread about how just the idea of my pils touching our baby makes me feel really uncomfortable. However, dh and I have spoken about it all and are on the same page. We are going to give them a chance to be gps, but won't be taking any shit. We've laid down some ground rules together: they won't be coming over until we feel ready, they won't be making comments on our parenting, they won't belittle dh or me infront of our child, etc etc.

Dh is well aware that he needs to protect our baby from all their disfunctionality, but feels he has to give them a chance to behave reasonably. If they fuck it up, then that will be their fault and they won't see her.

And yes wicked, our mils are definitely cut from the same cloth!

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WinkyWinkola · 20/07/2013 08:10

Well it doesn't have to be a war.

If they behave badly, then it's just cold polite distance.

I really hope your bil escapes.

bootsycollins · 20/07/2013 08:28

I really hope you get an exchange, have you looked into the possibility of private renting a 3 bed house?.

Original poster

HeffalumpTheFlump · 20/07/2013 08:55

Money wise it's completely out of the question :( if I could I would!!

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bootsycollins · 20/07/2013 09:04

I really hope you get an exchange Heffa, you, dh and dbil all sound lovely

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 20/07/2013 09:13

You sound lovely! Am glad your bil has such a caring sil to show him what people are normally like...

Original poster

HeffalumpTheFlump · 20/07/2013 09:31

Aw thanks! Careful or my head won't fit through the door! Joking aside, bil is the sweetest guy I know and I am not going to let anything jeopardise his relationship with our dd to be!

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IneedAsockamnesty · 20/07/2013 09:41

I would also be inclined to refuse every offer they make to have the baby without you or dh about but offer opportunities to his brother when ever its practical to do so whilst making it clear politely that the invitation is to his brother not them.

I just sends a gentle message to all of them

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