I know how you all love a wedding thread!

[sweetsummerlove]

OK guys. AIBU. -

I have been trying to sort our wedding out since Christmas with nothing but stress. It's not a huge do, small in fact. But with venue after venue not being suitable, things falling through etc. It's just been a huge headache. Around 2 month ago I thought we'd got it sorted.

Except my venue are acting very suspicious. No returning my call, emails, avoiding giving me my contract etc. I've been very patient and tried to suppress my concerns. But, after more fobbing off and general lack of commitment showed this week I'm ready to cut my losses.

Our budget isn't huge but definitely enough for what we wanted.

However the only other venue we love isn't budget friendly and although I'm waiting on an official quote, im certain it's not dooable as we have to have exclusive use because of our numbers (30ppl) small boutique hotel.

Now this is where I'm asking your opinions, maybe even more wwyd?

I've just discovered this same venue hold ceremony's for less than ten people, in a penthouse suit overlooking the river. Now all I can think about is eloping. Problem is we've been planning so long we've allocated bridesmaids and best men roles etc. People expect to be there. I would be open to a party after to celebrate, but im not sure if thisis gonna cause huge upset. 10 spaces won't cover our closest. .so either we go completely alone with DD (2) or take his parents, my mum and my brother.

Should we 'elope' - if we were going abroad people might understand more but it'd 'only' be a 4 hr trip. I think there would be bad feelings. . doing it alone would mean we could completely spoil ourselves whilst saving a couple thousand too? Im very family oriented so this is a big decision. Has anyone else done simalar? So sorry this is soooooo long. hands out tea and biscuits

I think you should do whatever you want to do.

Nobody will have bought outfits/travel/presents yet so none of your guests will be out of pocket.

do it! It's your day you'll only do it once. it about you and your dh nobody else. everyone else can share in your celebrations afterwards.

could you invite more people to the meal?

I should say our date is 7 months away now, so a decision will need to be made before people start booking accommodation etc. .

I dont want to hurt anyone's feelings and am torn between wanting to celebrate with everyone and just wanting to marry my best friend stress free!

Do what makes you happy.

If your budget isn't huge could you not hire a village hall or similar and decorate it for your reception instead if you want everyone there? One of my friends had their reception in a pub and decorated it, it looked beautiful.

I agree, do it! Do it do it do it!
Rejecting a big expensive flouf-y wedding and going bare bones simple was the best decision I ever made.
Don't let people's silly expectations and fantasies dictate what you do.
Like everyone else said, include them in a celebration meal.

Really and truly no one cares about your wedding as much as you do. Therefore do what you want, not what you imagine others want.

As you have a DD already I'd save your money and elope. We went to Vegas and it was great. Had an amazing honeymoon in Hawaii and San Francisco.

Really and truly no one cares about your wedding as much as you do. Therefore do what you want, not what you imagine others want

OP - read that snippet of wisdom. Then read it again. And again until it grasps you the way it should! Then make plans to elope with your very nearest and dearest and throw a major party afterwards. Or whatever makes you happy. But never ever forget it's about what YOU want - nothing and nobody else has a say.

man id love to do vegas! OH is too scared to fly though-lame!

What others expect/think/want is weighing heavy on my mind. ..

It sounds like you're getting in a muddle and you'll never make a calm decision in that state. I think just shelve any major decisions until you get your quote back for the 30 people from venue #2. Then work out if it's really an elopement you want, or if that just feels attractive right now as everything else has been such a headache.

Definitely write off venue #1 (as you seem to have) and play your cards close to your chest with friends and family regarding your next moves - but DO let it be known that venue #1 has fallen through so there's a chance you might have to rethink all your wedding plans entirely. That way they can start to prepare themselves for the eventuality that they may not be attending your marriage, and it won't come as a big shock if you do elope.

Theres a tendency with wedding planning to try and use those around you as sounding boards but this is a BAD IDEA. My motto was 'smile and nod' I barely told anyone anything unless it was strictly necessary. That way no- one can interfere, no one has specific expectations and your life is much easier as a result.

I know exactly how you feel.

I had a fabulous wedding as it happens but there was a time when all I wanted to do was just go to the Town Hall, grab two random passers by and get it done at the registry office.

My DH told me I'd regret not having a celebration as did a friend I confided in. In the end I had the 'big' wedding to please other people my DH included, as although it was my day it was his also.

Part of me still wishes I'd stuck to my guns and 'eloped' but my DH was happy and that was and IS more important.

What does your soon to be DH think about it all?

Best wedding I ever attended was in a local hall with the bride's family providing a home made buffet. It was so relaxed.

I'd give up on the current proposals, OP. If they're not contacting you now (when they're supposed to be eager to get custom) how much worse might it be once it's confirmed and they've got you signed up.

I'd do something more informal and/or personal - such as eloping. If you feel bad about it, you could always tell friends and family that you're giving a charity donation instead (out of the money you'll be saving.) No-one will say a blind word then.

If it's truly about the marriage not the wedding, why not book your nearest register office or parish church then a meal in a restaurant or buffet in the church hall? Cheap, cheerful and all about the people not cold, hard cash...

Why not elope, which sounds lovely, then have a party at home when you get back?

Has the added benefit of guests not needing to pay for accommodation.

ViviPru..a muddle I definitely am in!

I wish wish wish id never said anything to anyone. From day one we were so excited we just happily updated anyone when they asked. . now I regret this big time. I think people are as fed up as us with the constant plan changing.

OH hates being centre of attention..he would feel bad not inviting people but I think he'd be so much calmer. he gets very stressed when he thinks to much about it (he's worried about saying vows in front of people. .his parents expecting him to make a speech)

I think id regret not having my sister there, but if she came it would upset other siblings but we are very close..but otherwise I honestly don't think I'd regret anything else if we had a wee disco and homemade buffet in a local hall when we got home..it feels like a good compromise to me.

I am a worrier and above all I've had this underlying 'what if they don't like the food/music/weather' (yes really) I wish I didn't give a toss but I can't help it...

the idea of getting married so quietly, having a candlelit dinner with my hubby and then watching a tonne of classic films on the huge flat screen, and eating popcorn in my dress and slippers in the penthouse (which we'd never afford again) feels like am awesome idea lol

Do it then. And have a slap up (but more informal) party when you get back.

Spend the money on a fabulous holiday and elope. I would (and might).

I know from experience that the venue's silence is bad news, so if you haven't paid anything, cancel it formally, telling them why, and that you are disappointed in them.

ViviPru's approach is excellent, especially tge bit about not using others as a sounding board.

Also, a normal "party" will nearly always be mire economical than one with the dreaded "W" surcharge, which is levied very widely!

Have your wedding your way, and then take a larger group of loved ones out for a meal in a restaurant to celebrate. If you like, that is.

The best weddings I have been to were like this. A wedding ceremony in a registry office, then everyone piling into a restaurant afterwards. They were jolly, relaxed, and no hotel rules.

Do it. Can it be sooner than 7 months time? Then in 7 months have a knees up somewhere cheap and cheerful. You can wear something nice, no speeches and just have fun. Sod what other people think do what you want and what is best for your hubby and children.

Alternatively, if you feel you need to have friends and family, how about a ceremony at the reg office/church wherever and then go to a local nice eaterie for lunch. Job done. You could be cured up somewhere nice for your dvds by 8pm.

Or, what about, if parents, you or sister has suitable garden, inside, hire caterers and have party back at house, if you've got a garden that you can stick a marque up in. This is what we did and it was brill.

Curled...

Remember, also, that while wedding arrangements and events are stressful for the bride and groom they can also be stressful for guests - new clothes, travel, childcare arrangements and hotel accommodation, time off work (if needed) and so on..... The people you want to celebrate with might actually much prefer to have a more relaxed 'celebration party' slightly after the actual marriage when things would be more relaxed.

People (except as a rule the bride) don't really care what the wedding venue is as long as it isn't too difficult/expensive to get to/stay near.

They do care that you want to share your special day with them.

For this reason we had an inexpensive and not particularly small wedding at a very central location with none of the day/evening guest hierarchy thing that goes on.

If you're prepared to adjust your expectations of 'fanciness' a little (e.g. think pub function room rather than boutique hotel penthouse) in favour of including the people who love and care for you both then you could still have a lovely day.

If your OH is not keen on a big day either I'd be even more willing to take the 'lets elope approach'

But that is of course easier said than done.

So,

What kind of venues have you already looked at? Are you wanting the service and reception at the same place?

You might be better separating them? You have to pay for a registar regardless so the RO for the actual service then you have your 'do' literally anywhere. The local pub, fish and chip restaurant, village hall, sports club, back garden.

Nicest wedding I have been to was one at a Reg office and then back to theirs for a lovely catered buffet lunch.
I have been to huge posh weddings and they were not nearly as nice.

I am going to say that you should try and include your closest family and eloping would make that hard. I think I would be rather upset to miss my SIL's if she and her long term partner went off abroad.

I know it's not about me, goodness no! - but when my good pal went to Vegas to get wed she had only the friends that could afford the trip there and I felt a bit poor and useless. Needless to say it caused major upset with her family too.

There's something so groovy about a Reg office, I always think of Mick Jagger and Bianca getting married in Chelsea, or Kiera Knightly all casual and cool at a Reg office in Italy.

A restaurant would be thrilled to take a large lunch time booking and you would get great food. A fancy gastro pub might have a function room so you can have some music too. Keep looking!

Do it! Your wedding day is just that, your wedding day. No one else's, to everyone else it's another wedding to attend.

When we got married at first I wanted the whole big white wedding thing. Even sent out invitations way in advance. But as it got closer DH started to get upset because he didn't have a big family at all, (just his mum, brother, an aunt and a few cousins). Were as I've got a massive family. In the end we decided to have a really small wedding. I sent out apology letters to everyone, and we had the wedding we wanted. There was only 10 of us, registry office and then a quiet meal afterwards.