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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DH my feelings?

53 replies

Thurgood · 16/07/2013 22:36

I've just had a blazing row with DH. Apologies for the long post.

DH went upstairs to change DS nappy earlier on and shortly after, I heard him running to the bathroom (to get warm water for DS tail bowl) and talking to DS from the bathroom. I knew he could only be running because he?d left DS alone on the changing mat. The bathroom is about 5 metres away and is out of view of the changing mat. The only thing that stopped me going up was the fact that I then heard him running back to DS, so I thought I'd wait til he came downstairs. We have one of those dressers with the changing mat on top which is a couple of inches or so above the changing area, so DC don?t roll off. Our DS is 11 weeks old. He cannot roll over yet but can move from side to side and we?ll soon need to start changing him on the floor as he wriggles a lot and kicks the sides of the dresser.

Anyway when DH came downstairs I calmly asked him not to leave DS alone o the mat again. I didn?t want to make a big deal out of it as DH is usually sensible but I also felt I needed to let him know that I was not OK with it. DS is tiny but kicks out a lot, grasps at the air when he?s startled which then results in uncoordinated and jerky movements. Although the risk of him rolling over the top of the dresser is small, I am hugely uncomfortable with him being unsupervised on it. I said as much and DH was immediately defensive, said I jumped on his ?mistake?, said he felt there was no risk and that leaving DS was easier than picking him up as he was playing and listening to his music box. I told him that DS would still be happy once he?d picked him up, taken him and and brought him back so that was a poor reason!! I said that I didn?t ever want it to happen again, yada yada. He then said he felt it was a reasonable risk, I was going overboard and we went back and forth, huge argument ensued and we?re now not talking.

He?s made it out like I?m the bad guy and that I should have let it go and not said anything because I know he would never intentionally risk anything happening to DS, this is the first time he?s done it and is a responsible parent. From my POV, whilst I agree with all that, it only takes one occasion for an accident to happen. The fact that DH was so defensive says to me that he acknowledges he was in the wrong to some degree. Aside from mentioning it because it freaked the hell out of me, I wanted to make sure DH would never do it again, rather than keeping quiet now, assuming it was a one off and then never forgiving myself in the future if he did it again and something awful happened and I?d never raised it. His reaction shocked me. I thought he?d pretty much say sorry, won?t do it again, I realise it was risky and wasn?t really thinking etc but his reaction has me questioning myself and whether I am worrying unnecessarily. DH has never left DS unattended anywhere before to the best of my knowledge and I know he is a logical and responsible person. Despite the low risk of DH falling, I would always err on the side of caution ? there is absolutely nothing to lose from being careful is there?? I think I understand it from DH point of view despite disagreeing with him but AIBU for raising it as opposed to shutting up and assuming it was a one off/he?d never do it again?

OP posts:

Original poster

Thurgood · 16/07/2013 23:23

Thanks for responses. I've made silly mistakes of course but I want to be able to bring things up without it causing a huge argument. Yes, he's explained it was the way I said it hence the defensiveness. We are both probably a bit OTT as it's our first child, none of us are looking to point score. We've discussed and both apologised. Changing mat moved to the floor...

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 16/07/2013 23:24

You werent wrong to voice your feelings, but you need to think about how you said it and whether it could come across as "I am a better parent" to him, even if you didnt mean it to. He may already have been flustered and then thought "Shit, I shouldnt have done that" and then you brought it up so he was feeling even worse.
Unless he has an allergy or exzema, at 11 weeks you can use wet wipes, keep a pack on the changing unit next to the nappies, problem over.

Forget the blame game, and find a work around.

Bogeyface · 16/07/2013 23:25

Xpost.

But still, forget water and cotton wool, get yourself to Aldi, their sensitive wipes are 79p a pack and are far more effective!

thismousebites · 16/07/2013 23:31

This is your first DC, yes?
By the time you get to number 3 this will seem so unimportant.
And unless you want to do ALL aspects of childcare yourself, do not criticise your DH.
Your DH did not respond to your negative comments in a manner that suggests he knows he was in the wrong, he reacted that way because you trashed his parenting efforts.
how would you feel/react if he did that to you?
Just be thankful he actually makes the effort as a lot of dads don't.

Bogeyface · 17/07/2013 01:04

Thismouse

I think that a lot of dads do make the effort but soon give up when it is made clear to them that only Mummy does it properly.

I have noticed a couple of MNers who moaned that their husband was useless with the baby (in her eyes) and then 2 years later are moaning that he never does anything to help, when she is PG with number 2!

WandOfElderNeverProsper · 17/07/2013 01:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

joanofarchitrave · 17/07/2013 01:12

I'd agree it's what you say and how you say it.

'calmly' 'telling him off'? IMO this is not how to have a conversation with an adult and a fellow parent.

Say how you feel, don't list what he's done wrong. You felt what, scared shitless that ds would fall off and break something? Angry that you've ended up with a useless bit of crap furniture that endangers the baby? Say that. He should be able to come up with a solution himself.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 17/07/2013 03:21

I'm not surprised he told you that it was the way you said it. If you spoke to me like a naughty 5 year old I'd be pissed off as well.

I said that I didn?t ever want it to happen again, yada yada

Is not the way you talk to your partner if you want a reasonable discussion about something and it's not for you to dictate what is/isn't done with DS, he's just as much DH's child.

Anyway, seems like it's all sorted now :)

McGeeDiNozzo · 17/07/2013 03:22

I too got bollocked by DW for doing this, about the third time I changed DD's nappy, when she was a day or so old. I assumed it wasn't a "thing" as they can't move yet. I was unhappy about being bollocked, got defensive and tried to argue the toss, but I haven't done it since.

MeerkatMerkin · 17/07/2013 03:43

Do you also tell him he is doing a fantastic job in doing x, y and z with the baby? If you only ever comment on his parenting to criticise him then he will react like that. Balance it out with telling him how well he winds her (or whatever), get his confidence up, and then next time you raise a point re safety with him, broach it in a kind, respectful way. "I realise you were only gone for 5 seconds darling, but I feel worried that DD could roll off the dresser. I know she's only 11 weeks and can't roll yet, but I feel uncomfortable about there being even the smallest risk she could fall if unattended. Would it be ok if you moved the mat to the floor if you plan on leaving her/take her with you?"

I was the same when my PFB was small, DH felt really undermined and undervalued, I feel so guilty for making him feel that way. It was a combination of PFB and PND and I realised I wasn't being fair to only pick on the things he did "wrong".

McGeeDiNozzo · 17/07/2013 04:00

Praise is important. No-one expects a medal, but if all you hear is how hard it is and how you need to be doing more, you're not likely to do more. You're just likely to start resenting your new baby and the change in your partner's personality.

BramshawHill · 17/07/2013 07:46

Maybe its the way you said it - "stop leaving baby alone on the changing table, its dangerous" can sound very different to "baby's learning to roll, you might want to start changing him on the floor"

Plus "I don't ever want it to happen again" would have immediately got MY back up, it makes it sound like you're the parent and he's the child.

Try approaching the whole thing different, he's a parent too and you need to discuss, not lecture

MrsMelons · 17/07/2013 07:55

I am so surprised people are suggesting it is ok as is 'differing parenting'. The bottom line is you should NEVER leave a baby unattended on a changing table. I am not willing to discuss the reasons I feel so strongly about this but it can lead to horrific consequences, the baby does not even need to be able to roll.

The fact he was running and was so defensive suggests to me that he shouldn't have done it. If I had to say something like that to DH I wouldn't really care if he thought I was being bossy at all.

I agree with Lackedpunches forever - anyone's parenting rules trump those who are doing something completely idiotic and dangerous!

MrsMelons · 17/07/2013 07:57

TBF to the OP she may have just panicked and said it however it came out. I am sure we have all done stuff like that but I really don't think you were BU for pointing it out. I know I can get defensive so totally understand his reaction.

I may have been pretty cross with my DH if he had done it and reacted badly in the spur of the moment but I would definitely apologise for how you spoke to him and just explain properly what could happen.

MrsMelons · 17/07/2013 07:58

Sorry - I see you have apologised - glad all sorted (I read the 2nd page but missed your post )

pianodoodle · 17/07/2013 08:18

YANBU

Don't know why it matters whether it's your first or not. It's like people are saying they don't bother about safety for subsequent children?

There's no such thing as being too careful with a baby this age when it comes to taking risks like this you were right to bring it up. Call me pfb if you like!

If the tone was off then apologise etc... But it wasn't wrong to mention it.

pictish · 17/07/2013 08:52

By the time you get to number 3 this will seem so unimportant.

So true - and that's where I'm coming from.

badguider · 17/07/2013 09:04

You're both adults and both parents and your dh is right in many ways - he should be allowed to assess risks in things he's doing as you are when you're doing them.

What I would have done when he came down is say "I think we need to stop using that table-top changer now, ds is getting too wriggly. Shall we both agree to change him on the floor from now on as it's just so much safer?"

That reflects your thoughts and OP without actually being a criticism of your dh.

Everybody takes a risk occassionally, maybe not leaving a baby on a change mat but we've all been in a situation that's not 100% ideal and we know that and we probably felt our heart in our mouth and decided already we'd never do it again - the other parent giving a 'telling off' is only going to make things worse.

trapezegirl · 17/07/2013 10:02

YANBU but he was probably grumpy and defensive because he felt bad!

Bowlersarm · 17/07/2013 10:06

Glad you've kissed and made up OP.

It could have been one of those silly things which could have escalated and festered for a while.

KateSpade · 17/07/2013 10:48

I lost count of the times my DD fell off the bed whilst getting her dressed after her bath.

She's fine.

quesadilla · 17/07/2013 11:59

YANBU but I can also understand why your DH is defensive.

When my dd was young DH (who has a much older child from a previous marriage) was constantly doling out advice which bordered on criticism and for a time I felt like I couldn't do anything for being upbraided by him. We went through quite a rough patch with it for a bit.

It does make one prickly and defensive.

I think these sorts of negotiations are fairly common in the early weeks and months of having a new baby and you've got to be able to take some criticism and advice, particularly when its safety-related, so your DH probably did over-react a bit.

On the other hand I think probably worth trying to ration the advice you give and make sure its only given when its really needed.

FobblyWoof · 17/07/2013 12:19

We all make mistakes. Sometimes we're aware we've done something wrong, feel guilty (usually a lot more than we should), learn from it and move on. Sometimes we don't realise we've done something wrong and do need someone to point it out and that what it sounds like the OP was doing.

If she went in all guns blazing, having a go etc then yes, definitely unreasonable- but I think it's perfectly acceptable to be able to raise an issue with someone you're in a relationship with, be it parenting or otherwise. I don't think the OP was trying to paint herself to be perfect.

Rulesgirl · 17/07/2013 12:24

I think to tell him once how you feel would have been enough. Even though he was defensive he would have got the message.

AnotherStitchInTime · 17/07/2013 12:37

I have changing table, but I just use it to store toy boxes on (it is shelves). I have always changed on the floor because of the risk. Dd1 rolled at that age.

I don't think you were wrong to challenge him. He probably reacted defensively because he knew it was a bit lazy of him and he had been caught out doing something he knows he shouldn't do.

I told my DH off the other evening for popping out of the bathroom for 30 seconds leaving dd2 (16 months) in the bath with dd1 (4 years). He didn't react like that, just sucked it up, because he knew he was wrong to do it.

It only takes a split second and I would rather not deal with the consequences. Why take unnecessary risks with your child's safety, when it can all be avoided with a bit more thought and a little more effort?

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