AIBU to have assumed my 6yo son would have made a single solid best friend by now? Is it different for different sexes?

[WiredCarpet]

When I started school I literally fell in love with a girl call Jacqueline. Not in that way of course but I was 4, she was the most hilarious person Id met in my life and she and I become inseparable until middle school where I was unceremoniously dropped.

During the whole of middle school I had no best friend and actually no friends. The ones I did find I was mean to, even though I adored them. I was a very lonely unlike unhappy child.

Then secondary school happened and I figured out how to keep those I love close and the rest is history.

I have a 6yo old son, hes really troubled at school. There are 3 play times and each one he'll play with a different group of friends. This was fine, until he realised he was very unhappy about this. He's realising that all his friends have a bond and he doesnt quite fit into any of them. If he does, its very short lived.

Is this normal at the age of year 1? Or do all/most kids have a fixed best friend by then?

He's very tearful, spoken to his teacher, she matches him up (his choice) with kids before play time and they play well but it seems he still feels 'lost'.

We do play dates etc of course, but it doesnt seem to have a long term effect.

Am I expecting too much?

His dad told me he recalls no part of being 6 (unlike me) and no best friend. Which doesnt help.

I didn't have a 'best friend' at six and nor did my daughter. She is 8 and has 3 or 4 friends who rotate in and out of favour - I think that's more a girl thing.

From what I see it is not usual or expected for primary school children to have one 'best friend' - their friendship groups seem quite fluid.

If there are children willing to,play with him I dont think he has a problem. Easy to say I know but try not to get too anxious in case you transmit that to him.

Neither of my boys had made solid friendships at that age.

Ds1 (8, yr4) has had the same best friend (a girl, 6months younger, and yr 3) since nursery. Every other year they are in different classes, but are still.best friends.

Ds2 (6, yr1) has lots of best friends, in fact all.his friends are best friends. I'm not sure he understands the point of them being 'best'

I have 2 DSs of 11 and 14. Neither has had a best friend. Just a group of good friends. Don't worry.

I don't think encouraging an exclusive "best friend" type relationship is very sensible or healthy at all! Much better for children to have wider social groups.

I had a 'best' friend at 6.She wasn't really,she was just in the same class as me and lived 3 doors away from me....we were best friends as a matter of convenience.Turns out neither of us really liked the other,it was just handy

I think you may be transferring your own anxieties about this...many children don't have a best friend.Take the pressure off,and it will be easier for him to dip in and out of groups (and tbh,I think that's healthier...it is certainly more independant).

You'll often find that the kids that are 'best' friends at the age your son is,have mothers who are pally with each other.If 'best' friendships aren't happening for him in school,I'd start pointing out to him how great he is at mixing with different groups.And I'd encourage him to be pals with other kids...on the street,in sports clubs,hobbies,cousins etc.

I think it's normal to play with different groups of friends at that age.

You could invite some of his little mates round to play during the holidays to help him develop the friendships.

Be careful not to project your worries onto your DS though as that could be counter-productive.

DD1 who is 6 and Yr1 has no best friend which I am sad for her (as I did) and pleased for her (as when the inevitable fall out happens it is very upsetting) in equal measures.
DD2 who is 4 and YrR also has no best friend

Sorry to hear he's not feeling great without a best friend, maybe you could point out to him that it is brilliant that he plays nicely with everyone and that it means the special person who is going to be his best friend just hasn't turned up yet?
I didn't have a best friend until secondary school. I was very shy in my first primary school, played well with most of my class but never had a bestie, then in my second primary there were only 7 other children in my year who had all been together since year one (I joined in year four) and so I never quite bonded that closely with any one of them. But BAM, within the first half term of secondary I had an amazing group of very close friends and had found my best friend whom I still couldn't do without
Sometimes it just takes a while to find.

My dgs who is 6 [yr1] has a solid friendship group rather than a single bf.There are about 6 of them who all play together at school.Playdates are usually any one +one but it can be any.He has two other out of school friends one of whom is a neighbour.I don't think they really develop longterm friendships before secondary school.

Thats made me feel hugely relieved thank you. It is my assumption that hes not feeling great without a best friend. He has issues with not getting on (then getting on, then not getting on etc) with various friendship groups. And because I had a solid friend from 4, I assumed that he would do this. And that it was expected. But Im glad to hear that I am wrong.

I have never had a best friend in my life until I met DH.
DS is finishing year 2 and has a best friend I think it is unhealthy and would much prefer him to have a range of friends.

I only found my best friend when I was 10 yrs old and she's still my best friend 34 years later!

Ds1 (yr5)has a best friend.
Ds2 (yr3)only has a few friends but no Bestie.
Dd (Reception) is on the look out for a BFF but hasn't found the one yet!

I had no friends until I moved schools at 11 and was told "don't talk to that girl over there, she's weird". I thought "yay, so am I!" and found my best friend.

Son 1 is 8 and doesn't really have friends either, he's yet to meet anyone as weird as he is. (Whatever I have, it's hereditary).

Son 2 is 6 and popular with everyone, but doesn't have a "best" friend. They are all his friends.

It will come.

My DS did not have a good friend until around 9.

He used to get called a "weirdo" as he liked chess and violin, and did not like football ( all him, not me! Honest)

Then he found likeminded souls when we had to move schools.

They now play chess, and starwars games in a little group.

You cannot do that much as a parent, sadly, but they learn hw to make friends with time and a bit of luck.

How can you rank your friends? If you have a large number, do you create league tables? What makes Friend A, whom I've known for only a year but chat to every day about inconsequential shite, better or worse than Friend B, whom I now only catch up with about once every two years but who went through some rather horrendous as well as wonderful times with me back in high school? Weird concept to me.

By the way, I strongly believe that mothers should keep well out of their young children's friendships.

My DD is part of a little 'gang' of boys and girls at school and is quite happy with that. There is one who we see more of out of school, but that's more because I like her Mum and they live nearest to us! Fret not. The only thing that would concern me is that your son isn't happy - but is that because he thinks he should have a 'best' friend too? He is of an age that he is still learning social skills. Keep mixing with other kids and maybe you need to relax a little bit about this too.

My son finishing year 2. Is confident out going and plays with lots of other boys. Wouldn't say he had best friend.

I had a best friend at that age

But I've got 3 DS's and they all tend to have a larger circle of friends. They kind of have lots of close friends, rather than one exclusive like I did.

I really don't think they did aged six though. If I remember rightly, they just flitted from person to person...all according to what they were doing/playing at the time.

Please don't worry, it's far too early really.

From what I've seen of Ds (newly 7) and his friends, there aren't any "best" friends among them yet. He plays well with a group of 3/4 boys at school and then he has another group of 4/5 kids that are neighbours to play with in our garden/street plus he likes a couple of boys he sees for activities. He never talks about any of them as a "best" friend at all. Be happy that your boy is mixing well and meeting plenty of kids his age, I don't think they need more than that at this age?

DS2 had a best friend. It wasn't until the friend moved away at the end of Yr 3 that DS 2 made any academic progress. He shot to the top of his class. Before, he and the friend were always yakking and messing about. He had no concentration, and as his friend wasn't that academic, DS2 made no effort either.

Now he's older and doesn't have a very close friendship with any one specific boy. There are some boys he gets on well with and sees outside school (but they all have their own best buddies.) It's not ideal, but i'd rather he was less attached to one person and made his own way at that age, than to get locked into an affectionate but ultimately unproductive friendship. Pros and Cons both ways.

Ds1 is 7 and met his 'best' friend (and future wife at that point) in the first few weeks of Reception. They are still best friends now, just fished Year 2 but they both have a their own separate friendship groups at school too. Ds2, just completed reception, has no special friend, in fact I am no sure e has any real friends at all, but in time I am sure he will.

what is the obsession of having a best friend, its much better if they have a circle of friends ,it makes them a lot more sociable and accepting of others .

Why are people assuming that if a child has a beat friend they don't also have other friends ds1 is friends with most of his peers, one of them happens to be his best friend.