... to treat DN as if he were a healthy child?

[Ilikegrapes]

I have namechanged for this. And the post is a bit long. But I would like to have some advice.

I live abroad with my DH, DD (10) and DS (8). Every summer we go back to my home country. We stay at DPs' house (they are great parents, very generous and welcoming). DBro+wife+3DCs and DSis+husband+2DCs live in the same village. DPs have a big house and a big garden, so all the children get to spend a lot of time at DPs house, playing together and having fun. This is all good.

Now the bad part.

Unfortunately, two years ago, DSis's son (8), my DN, was diagnosed with a mass in his brain. It seems that it is not a malignant tumor, but it's causing him seizures and he needs to have brain surgery in a few months. We are all worried about this, and I don't think I can imagine how my DSis and her husband feel.

DN has always been quite spoilt, from toddlerhood on. For ex., if the older cousins were playing some game, my DSis made them include him and modify their game because he was younger than them. Or, the other cousins were expected to share whatever toy they were using, but DN wasn't because he was younger. The main problem was that DSis+husband were getting too involved in the children's politics, and then blowing these issues up so that the adults would be involved, each defending their own children! So it ended up that my DBro's children are very friendly with my DC (possibly also because they see them only a couple of weeks a year), but they tend to exclude DN (although DB, my DM, and I do remind all the children to play together nicely etc etc).

Of course the adults are all treating DN "delicately" as we know that he's poorly. But the DCs do not know this (although they have witnessed a couple of seizures, but, except for that, DN looks like a very healthy and strong child), so all the cousins treat him "normally" (and then get told off by DSis for every little misdemeanour).

My problem is this: sometimes DN can be quite rude. For ex., he swears towards my DF, or makes comments on how slow/old he is. My DF has developed Alzheimer (which was hard for everybody to accept, and to see the changes in him, etc.) so, I am sure that if I hear anybody, even if it is poor DN, mis-treating DF I will not be able to keep my mouth shut, and I will tell him off.

AIBU?

Well, assuming the mass in his brain isn't affecting his cognitive reasoning skills, i'd say YANBU for telling him off/treating him like all the other children if he is rude to/mis-treats your DF.

I hope your DN's surgery goes well.

No, yanbu

I don't think you are doing your dc any favours if you won't tell them that their cousin is ill but let them get into trouble over it. Why aren't you telling them; is it because your sister won't let you? If so, have a word with her: it's hardly fair on them to keep something major like this from them.

And is it not quite likely that his brain tumour will be affecting his behaviour and causing aggression? Seizures in themselves would be quite likely to cause lack of self control and anger issues.

I think you need to cut him some slack, but I wouldn't tolerate rudeness and spitefulness.

Don't you think the other children should know what the problem is? Why are they being lied to?

YANBU at all in treating your nephew like a normal person.

I think your children need to have the relevant information to cut your sister some slack if nothing else. They need to understand why she stresses over small things and seems to react irrationally.

And if I were your dc and defended my rights vigorously against a younger child not knowing he was ill, and then something (God forbid) went wrong, I would feel dreadful.

DSis asked us (the adults) not the tell the children. I told my DCs about the seizures, as I thought it would be better to prepare them if DN had a seizure while he's with them, and I told them that they might want to be extra nice to him... However, I have not told them how serious this can be as DSis asked me not to do it.

About the link between the tumour and behaviour. DN is well behaved in school. Also, I wouldn't describe DN's behaviour as aggressive, but more as sneaky/manipulative (he tells lies, he says things so the other cousins will ge in trouble). Of course all this can be linked to the horrible period he is going through (having seizures, having to go to brain scans, getting blood drawn, etc.). I understand this. It's just very hard to know how to behave towards him when other children or DF are involved.

Also, has DN himself been told about his diagnosis and has been told to keep it a secret from the other children? Because I have seen at close hand how much damage that can do to a child.

sorry, cross-posted.

I would cut him some slack, he knows he is ill and is bound to be anxious about the impending operation, as they all are, it is probably his coping mechanism.

cory, DN doesn't know about his diagnosis. He has been told by his parents that his seizures are due to "growing" tall so quickly. He doesn't know about his operation. I don't think there is any point in making him worry for months before the op. I think DSis will tell him only a few days before the operation. I would be interested to have your point of view, if you were so unlucky to go through something similar/or to know somebody that went through something similar.

Wow - I cannot say how much I disagree with the idea that the child should have an operation they do not know is coming.

I have a heart condition and as I grew from about 5-7 the surgery I had as a baby was leaking, so I got bluer and more out of breath as I got bigger and the leak got more significant. I had open heart surgery when I was 7 (nearly 8) to correct it.

While I wasn't told about the risks of the operation (it was just spoken of that I would have the op then be better - my mum told me years later what % likelihood she'd been given of that happening), I was told all about it, knew it was coming, knew the reason why I was blue and breathless, and knew that afterwards I would feel better.

I still didn't like the medicines, the physiotherapy and all the resting I had to do but I understood what was going on. I do not know how I would have felt if all that had been sprung on me with a few days' notice but I don't know if the shock would have been something I'd ever have got over. How could you ever trust your parents again if they didn't tell you something that is about the most important thing in the world: your life!

I am changing my mind, this poor boy doesn't know what the hell is happening, no wonder he is lashing out.

I haven't gone through anything exactly similar, Ilikegrapes, but I have seen close at hand a number of occasions when a child of that age had to deal with something very difficult either concerning himself or another person:

dd becoming unable to walk and not knowing whether she would ever be able to again

ds a few years later finding out that he had the same diagnosis that had incapacitated his sister

my friend having to tell her children that she was terminally ill and that she wouldn't have much longer to live

in each case, openness and feeling able to talk helped the children involved

and then:

ds finding out that a person he used to be fond of had been murdered by her boyfriend- and not being able to talk about it because of younger cousins who were not to know

ds knowing that his sister had MH issues and was a suicide risk and seeing her on the verge of breakdown yet not able to talk about it because of presence of relatives (grandfather and cousins) who could not cope with the knowledge

You're not BU but you might have to tread carefully if you don't want to cause a family war.
Hissing 'that's not very nice', to DN means you've made your point, been reasonable and noone can claim you've upset his delicate equilibrium.
Would that feel enough for you or do you want contrition and apologies (which is what I'd want but I'd probably settle for the hissing).

DC3 has a brain mass, which is now stable after 5 years of treatment. He has always been called on rudeness etc but I do hover over him more than the others and the older ones have said he's spoiled.
I've found it hard to be normal because of the cancer - I want to fight battles on his behalf but have been powerless as it's all in the hands of doctors. I wonder if that is where DSIS is coming from. Trying to control DN's relationships to make them 'fair' because she has no control over his health.

I would expect older cousins to be asked to adapt games for short periods to include younger ones (then thank them in private afterwards). But it's important that everyone in a group adapts a little so that they all have a good time and that includes DN.
How is DSIS with her other child?

Whether or not DSis is in denial it is her choice not to tell DN... you can't tell your kids and expect it to stay secret.

I think I would suck it up for the weeks you are home - personally I would become the hover parent, play with children, divert arguements before they form and know the truth of what is going on. Maybe taking you children out if it gets too much. Treat nephew like a toddler, praise for good, divert from bad.
Any major behaviour/attitude I would speak out - be prepared for sister to have a go. I think I's say that if he isn't given any rules he will be in shock on the other side of surgery when all the rules come back. Surely boundaries are healthy for children... and if he's about to have things happen he can't control, knowing who to trust/follow could be good too.

Sorry, missed further details. Just horrified that this isn't being openly discussed.

cory thanks for sharing and sorry to hear all the sad things you/your family had to go through.

Velvetbee a big hug to you and DC3. I hope you get only good things in the future. And thanks for showing me what my DSis's point of view could be.

Jenny70 I think me doing more hovering than usual and diffusing situations sound like a good idea.

I am a bit surprised that many of you think that DN and cousins should know what is going on. I never thought that DSis's decisions regarding this were not the "best" ones.

Thanks everybody for your support and for sharing your point of view. It helps.

I try to teach my dc with epilepsy just the same as my other DC, but sometimes you can't help yourself adding a little cotton wool. It's an instinct, I find. That said, its up to you how you choose to treat children in your family, and that includes your nephew.

Well, Jenny is quite right of course: it is for your DSis to decide how and what she tells her son and once she has decided you have to go with that.

I'd struggle not to say anything to the parents. For what it's worth DSS2 had a heart problem requiring major surgery. We gave him no special treatment and he was punished when he tried to use his illness as an excuse to behave badly. Yes it was tough seeing him pale, small and breathless at times but we had to live as though everything would be ok (it was thankfully). You have to focus on life after they're better and there's no special treatment then.