Is DP BU. Am I? Would SS need calling?

[IWantToBeAtreee]

NC because Im a wuss.

DP and I together for many years, we have two children one is 8 one is 2 both have SN. The youngest health wise, the eldest has physical problems and is on the autistic spectrum but in main stream school.

The youngest wakes many many times a night to which I tend, and the eldest most nights to which DP sees to.

Life is generally a massive ball ache. Life sucks. Its really hard. The kids needs are very fucking hard. They are wonderful, get on great most of the time they are amusing, adorable and all the rest. But their needs, on top of the, generally being normal kids can be hard work.

The eldest tends to tantrum. These outbursts can last up to two hours. He argues, wont see different, cant be talked round, reasoned with or even comforted during these times nor building up to it.

So, 7.30am Saturday morning I ask my son to do something he doesnt want to do (i.e put trousers on not shorts as he's prone to cutting his arms and legs to shreds because he cant keep up right (symptomatic) and we're going out) he kicks off for a while, lovely screaming and shouting and I admit I shouted, not for long but I did.

Middady comes I offer to bake a cake, he helps. A bit later he comes in and asks if he can have cake. I say no, its not ready we're (his brother and I) and going in the garden. He miss hears me, and thinks I said 'lets have cake in the garden'. What follows is 2 long, fucking hours of him screaming, slamming, shouting, pulling, stamping, scaring his brother. 2 HOURS I try to calm it, try to calm his brother, try to sort it try to make him happy, (this isnt an NT tantrm) think of solutions) check his bother.
Finally distraction works.

Bed time (his dads been at work and gone away for the night) he kicks off again, he isnt tired, he doesnt want to sleep, he pulls his shelves downs etc etc etc, all the while Im trying to settle a tantruming tired 2 year old.

Then their Dad comes hime trip called short THANK GOD!!

And I half jokingly, yet half not! Say that Im worried next door will call SS (she's a child psychologist) and he tells me, "well, you need to stop shouting so much then." I look at him and he says "well you do shout."

This, I will not deny. But a week before I gave the youngest to him in the morn, the youngest was whinging, 10 minutes in I heard DP bellow "What do you WANT?!" And the youngest cry. So I came down.

Tonight, I see to the youngest, he sees to the eldest the eldest tantrums a lovely 2 hour tantrum.

I deal with the baby, he deals with the eldest he's patient for the first half hour then raises his voice, just once. A bit down the line, he shouts. Then he ignores him.

Then I send him a text saying imagine that at 7.30 continous throughout the day withe a toddler in tow, then doing bed time alone then having your partner come home and listen to you retell in. In stead of offering support, saying I need to keep a lid on it.

He said thats MY words, of I feel SS might be called then I MUST have gone too far.

I said I did no worse than him, I have limits and need SUPPORT not criticism.

Do I need SS?

Much appreciated, thank you.

Seriously. Contact your local educational psychology service and ask for support getting a statement of special educational need. It costs money, i.e. the council won't want to spend any, so you need to push. If you want any advice on this pm me. It's your right to get support by law in terms of your children accessing education, and can make a lot of difference to both child and family.

As a physio I certainly know that that wait for cvhildrens services is not appropriate. Its worth chasing and worth getting an idea of the date you went on their wait list.

No of course SS don't need to be contacted about you. Your situation sounds like it would test anyone's patience!
Be kind to yourself, you sound like you could do with a bit of a break, not because your raised your voice but because you are probably beyond tired!!!

Babyhmummy is correct, the school (assuming he exhibits the same behaviour at school) should be raising an SA1 which is a statement request, or at the very least referring him to the Educational Psychologist for an assessment.

Does your son have any diagnosis?
Is he on School Action/School Action plus?
Does he have an IEP (Individual Education Plan)?

Does he experience similar difficulties at school?

Ok to answer some questions (thanks for helping me),

holiday I did call them (the people my GP wrote to) they said they received the letter, that the waiting list is huge, that the next child to see the OT has been waiting four years. That the next child for physio has been waiting 6 months.

Thispunderlife honestly, please believe me this is exactly what I have tried doing. Ive got no where.

tehersend nice name, you must have named it after me

• no diagnosis. And no chance of one unless we wait 4 years or pay £400

We have done some questionnaires that the school gave us though. It amounts to dyspraxia and hypermobility. The latter is obvious and cant not be diagnosed its so bad, the dyspraxia needs a diagnoses and I dont think it ends there if Im honest. As in, I believe he will cross over with other parts of the spectrum.

No he isnt in School Action, I havent heard of that,
He doesnt have any IEP either.

Yes and no to experiencing similar difficulties.
When his teacher and I did an autism questionnaire I scored him almost nothing (2 to be exact). She scored him far higher.
When we did a dyspraxia test, I scored him positive in 98% of the questions and she scored him significantly lower.

I do not know what to make of that.

if his teacher is scoring high on the autistic questionnaire then they should be putting IEP's in place at the very least. I would ask the school tomorrow for a meeting with Class teacher, Ed Psych and the SEN co ordinator as soon as possible - you are being horrifically let down by everyone professional here.

I picked my name after reaching it trying to pick a name

Ok, well the school is not doing what it should.

If it has got to the stage of the teacher competing an ASD questionnaire, then he most certainly should be on School Action (see definition here). You do not need to have a formal diagnosis of anything to be placed on School Action, but do need to experience barriers to learning, which it sounds as if your son does. The difference between yours and the teacher's scores is easily attributed to the fact that your son does different things at home than at school. He has to relate to peers at school in a way he does not at home where everyone is finely-tuned into his way of thinking. He may do far more physical activities such as getting dressed at home than at school. Hence the difference in scores. I should add that neither you nor the teacher are able to make a diagnosis using the questionnaire; and that it why he needs a referral to a qualified professional.

Have they made any referrals at all? Have they discussed an Educational Psychologist assessment? This will not take four years.

Have you had a meeting with the class teacher and the SENCo? I would arrange one quick sharp and ask what they are doing to support your child's learning, and where the evidence is of that (this should be an IEP, or sometimes a provision map).

I completely believe you. You are absolutely being let down by the school and services. Time has comefor an almighty fuss to be made- for starters it is appalling that autism questionnaires are being bandied about with no psychologist involvement, either clinical or educational. I don't understand who is supposed to be interpreting the scores for one thing. Is your son progressing at school? Does he get any additional support? How's your relationship with the Senco? He or she should be ensuring that his needs are identified and met in school. If he isn't progressing and there is concern about Sen he should be receiving support at school action level at least. You can also ask for a referral for a full developmental assessment from community pediatrics. Good luck, hang in there

X-post with babyhmummy. She's right too, the school are letting your son down and need to be challenged to support him.

I dont think he scored high per se.
She just scored him higher than I did. Much higher, which didnt take much because I scored him 2.

The dyspraxia test was hugely a physical thing, of which the teacher knew little about. Of which me and his dad know a lot, because he has been this way forever, so he got scree hightly. Almost 100% in fact, as we were reading the questions we were exclaiming "omg he does this! And this! And THIS, and what about is? Omg it totally explains this and THIS!" The whole way through.

Stuff his teacher would be unlikely to know about, as much as us, or his PE teacher.

Who gave you the questionnaires?

Or did you give them to the teacher?

hes now not here having himself a night off while I tend to whatever the fuck happens tonight with both children.

Apart from all the advice on getting the right help for the DSs, do you get time off for yourself?

You and DH need to each have one night off per week, or maybe each of you could take half of Saturday or Sunday.

Can you yourself get help for the stress?

X posted a lot there sorry. Ok definitely no ed psych as far as I know. Unless she is the old lady we see? As for senco I have no idea but I have taken a photo of this page so I can go to them with all this info.

No my son isnt not hitting targets, but he is struggling. He struggles with his hand writing (his wrists and fingers and joints are weak) and he has much trouble with his friends and appropriate interaction. Hes been crying all week about not wanting to school and how everyone is making his life so hard.
He is getting no additional support at all.
There is something he will hopefully start in september that is 10 mins 3 x's a week with someone, ive forgotten the name of what it is though.

As for the referral the school hasnt referred, the GP has, Ive called them and its a 4 year waiting list for the OT. No one has mentioned and ed pshyc yet though. Apparently the people who he has been referred to is 'everyone all in one place'. So theres no where else to be referred.

I would contact your local Parent Partnership - they have been brilliant with me - they attend every meeting with the school and have helped me push things forward - I had no clue what to do and DD1 was being excluded from school - they talked me through every step and have been a great support x

the school need to do a referral too.

your poor son, no wonder his behaviour has been so bad if he is taking flak at school - hopefully the summer will give him a chance to get his confidence back . but you need to do the following tomorrow (which i am sure you have already done but do it again)

1. Speak to class teacher about how your DS is feeling, she needs to know - may need to be with whoever his teacher will be next year too
2. Ask for an appt with the head, class teacher and senco - raise that you want to discuss an urgent referral to the Ed Psych
3. Tell them you want a full in school assessment of his needs with the view to getting a School Centred Action plan and an IEP in place and and Ed Psych evaluation of the possible autism - have a look at this for info
4. Ask his class teacher for some handwriting tasks for over the summer to try and give him some extra support ready for next year

There are some fab resources out there to help which i am sure you have looked at, but they might be able to help
www.autismsupportnetwork.com/
www.autism.org.uk/

Thank you, you have all been a huge great big massive help. Much appreciated, Ive taken screen shots of the page so I can flick straight to it tomorrow morning and take notes.

Thanks again.

Seriously, get in touch NOW with SOS!SEN or IPSEA for advice. You can ask the local authority to carry out statutory assessment with a view to getting a statement for ds1. With the right help, you can get occupational therapy written into the statement, and then the council will have to provide it, if necessary paying for a private OT if the NHS can't provide it. You might like to have a look at the Special Needs discussion group, there's lots of helpful advice on there.

My daughter has AS. I used to shout alot. Frustration, stress and being at the end of you tether does that to you. I called SS. They weren't interested.

You're doing great.

Good luck. Also ask to see the school nurse, SENCO and as someone suggested earlier, if you are getting nowhere getting support as yet request the school open a CAF. Common Assessment Framework meeting.

These are the professionals you can get access to at the moment:

Teacher
School Nurse
Family Centre Worker (Contact your local Sure Start)
Parent Partnership (To advocate for you)

Demand request that these are all involved in the CAF.

A meeting should be held with all these professionals .. and yourself and it will be their job to begin an action plan. If your child has ASD and hasn't been diagnosed then he will not meet the criteria for support that is out there.

School Nurses have influence to speed up waiting times with pediatricians.

A family centre worker might be helpful in the interim. They can offer a fresh pare of eyes and perhaps help with some strategies at home.

It is dreadfully hard to get services in place for families in your situation. IT IS possible though, it is just knowing the right things to say and getting one or two decent committed professionals on board to help out.

Hi, I have an 8 year old with similar sounding issues, it's very, veery difficult at the moment. My youngest is 'normal' but a major pain at the moment. I've screamed and shouted my way through the weekend with. dH away studying and very stressed with an insecure job. It's very difficult but in NO way do yiu need to call the child protection part of SS.

I hear what everyone else is saying on this thread about getting help, unfortunately I don't thnk you will, it's very hard to come by at the moment. You should be, I should be, but we probably won't get it. There are some things yiu can do though.

Firstly - get your GP to refer to a paediatrician, a developmental one is best, but a community one will do. This should be at your local hospital. They can push children up waiting lists for OT / physio or get them cheaper into CaMHS is they think it's necessary as their word has more clout than a GP. Insist on this referral even if the GP doesn't want to, stage a sit in if necessary.

Secondly - apply for a statement yourself, go to the IPSEA website where they have pro formas yiu can copy. You don't need permission from the school or anyone else to do this. He's your child and you get to ask for help from him. If you send of the letter now there are time limits in which school etc need to respond by, not much will happen over the summer but things should start to move in September.

Thirdly - if you are not already on the SN children's board of MN, come and join us. There are lots of people there who can empathise, advise, cheer you on and pick up the pieces after a bad day!

As an addition to the very helpful info you have already been given I just wanted to surgest that you ignore the possibility of a DX by paying privately.

The LA (and as such the school) will not accept a none NHS DX for statementing or anything useful, even if that DX is signed by the exact same person who also does the NHS assessments.