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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I respond to this?

52 replies

suchawimp · 14/07/2013 17:46

I sponsored a child for a few months and just started sponsoring another last week. One is in Uganda and the other in India. One of the girls at work is looking into sponsoring so we were talking about it on Friday. I had the picture of my Indian child to show her the pack that you get from the charity.

Couple of colleagues decided to jump into the conversation to say how it is all a con etc.

One said I should have chosen prettier children. Which was a bit of a shock but I figured she was making a joke.

Just had a text from her this morning saying "I see you are sponsoring another kid with a dark sun tan."

I don't know how to respond to it! It sounds racist to me but maybe I am over-sensitive as I love my little sponsor children!

OP posts:
daddoinghisbest · 14/07/2013 22:29

The problem is, you can't really change people like this. I have a work colleague who liked to include me on his text list to send jokes and comments which I found offensive. I just said to him that we obviously have a different sense of what's funny and acceptable, and can he delete me from his list. It wouldn't help to make an official complaint at work, it would just make people think that you were being over sensitive. Why not just tell her that your sponsoring is something that means a lot to you, and can she please respect that, and stop the silly comments?

Dorris83 · 15/07/2013 04:46

Forget what I said- use whothe's response :

I'd reply with this "Learn the difference between being funny and being racist."

kickassangel · 15/07/2013 05:05

I actually think it's more than borderline racist, and is overtly so. To follow up outside of the original conversation is also trying to shit stir.

Depending on the set up at work, I would consider telling some kind of manager that this person has been making racist comments and is it possible that they can be verbally asked to drop the subject? If it's going to cause even more trouble, maybe not, but I think it's disgusting that she's done this.

If she put that in an email from a work account she could be disciplined for it. Bad enough to be derisory

kickassangel · 15/07/2013 05:07

Oops .

Bad enough to be derisory but to then continue with such comments. That's where bullying starts, refusing to just let someone else live their life and to get in there and force your racist opinions on them.

I'd be livid.

ThePowerof3 · 15/07/2013 06:43

She sounds a right thicko, I'm glad none of their comments about it being a con have put you off

kreecherlivesupstairs · 15/07/2013 06:44

I think it's more than borderline racism too.

DumSpiroSpero · 15/07/2013 07:12

Tbh I'd be inclined to ignore it, so that she does raise it at work, then you can tell her, in public, that you don't think ignorant, racist drivel is worth responding to.

Madamecastafiore · 15/07/2013 07:16

I'd not reply and then if she mentions it ask exactly what she means and then if she makes racist remarks then I would make an official complaint.

I am currently at home as tackled someone about their racism and was victimised for it. I feel that if I had made an official complaint I would have had some protection rather than trying to tackle the issue myself.

Original poster
suchawimp · 15/07/2013 10:49

At work at 2 today so will have to see what she says.

I didn't reply to the text as I figured it could escalate it especially as she is at work all morning and I am not.

Had a text from her partner in crime this morning (must have been discussing it to know that I hadn't replied) to say that I shouldn't be so sensitive as I am not even black.

I am just shocked that they would dare to write it - there are sometimes jokes at work or comments like ooooh that isn't an English name or bet he has a dusky skin tone after talking to someone on the phone.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 15/07/2013 10:54

That is just weird id not respond tbh I wouldnt know what to say (apart from did you mean to be such a racist twat) ignore it and adopt who you want, I am looking to sponsor from Plan they are tryng to help girls who are forced into marraige before they are teenagers.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 15/07/2013 10:55

Oh my god, your colleagues are sounding worse with every update. Who the fuck says things like 'dusky skin tone'? Shock I'm not black either, but I'm still gobsmacked with what they've come out with.

Things are also taking a bit of a 'ganging up' turn against you, it seems. Think colleague 1 has realised you're less than impressed and is worried you'll report her, so colleague 2 has been roped in to make you feel you're the one being unreasonable.

Could you have a quiet word with a manager to ensure this doesn't escalate?

HorryIsUpduffed · 15/07/2013 10:58

Racist, definitely, particularly saying you shouldn't be offended because you aren't black - because of course racism can't upset white people Hmm

They are idiots to say things like this but doubly idiotic to write/text/email it. Don't delete the messages. First sign of continuing the hassle at work, go straight to your line manager to ask them to back off.

I assume you aren't actually friends with these people, or wanting to be?

MrsDeVere · 15/07/2013 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quoteunquote · 15/07/2013 11:11

ask your company to sign everyone up for a racism awareness training course,
www.nccri.ie/training-ara.html

there are plenty of companies out there that will come in and offer guidance.

HahaHarrie · 15/07/2013 11:16

I would say 'do people really still say and think things as stupid and ignorant as that?!' You're pathetic, please don't talk to me, I don't give a toss about your nasty, racist opinions.'

Good luck. Give it to her with both barrels. She's a fuckwit and a bully, it is about time she realised it.

Madamecastafiore · 15/07/2013 11:17

Seriously do not tackle them yourselves - my 'Do you realise that whatever way you dress that up, it is racism' comment said calmly and whilst smiling has escalated into being a victim of victimisation and lots of crap allegations being made against me.

I have ended up being off work with anxiety for the last month and it has all been horrible.

Although saying that I would still not have sat there in silence - I didn't want this woman to think I was colluding with her and agreeing and I think by staying silent I would have given her the impression that that was the case.

Keep the texts for evidence also and keep a written record of when and who says what.

MrsOakenshield · 15/07/2013 11:17

jesus. Does she think you should be buying her skin-bleaching products? Well, at least you now know her for the racist scum she is.

pollyblue · 15/07/2013 11:27

I sponsored a girl in Bangladesh for 7 years and I think it's a fantastic thing to do. The girl I sponsored was able to stay in education until 16 thanks to the work of Plan (who I sponsored through) and other organisations in her area. It's usual that girls especially will leave education much younger than that.

I think your colleagues comments are vile. I think in your shoes I would respond with a 'I think it's probably best we don't discuss this anymore as we seem to have very different views on it', and if any more comments are made, speak to your manager/HR about it.

GoshlyoHeavens · 15/07/2013 11:32

Clunk.

The big machine in my head is clicking around and the little red arrow is pointing to WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT? You know the answer very well so why are you asking?

PoppettyPing · 15/07/2013 11:38

Your colleagues are being racist dicks, yes, but just some food for thought here

PoppettyPing · 15/07/2013 11:52

Or here

It's great knowing how privileged we are and wanting to help, but grassroots organisations run by people on the ground, who are from those countries, are probably better to support in working to strengthen and heal their own communities and children.

I know your heart's in the right place, I'm just sayin'. :)

Pigsmummy · 15/07/2013 13:28

I did world vision for years and I would recommend it. I enjoyed seeing the pictures and felt pride that my sponsorship meant that the girl in Senegal got a bottle of water daily and essential vaccinations due to the program. Don't let these bullies upset you. I bet they were they snidey giggling ones in school.

DumSpiroSpero · 15/07/2013 15:53

Just read your latest post OP and am Shock .

How old are these idiots people? Are they of an age where they might think their behaviour is mildly off key rather than really offensive.

I will never forget my 60-something MIL referring to Denise Lewis as 'a darkie' and being utterly shell shocked when SIL all but tore her a new one on the spot, because in her mind, as long as she didn't use the n-word she wasn't being offensive Confused .

However I suspect your colleagues are probably young enough to know much, much better Sad Angry .

Dahlen · 15/07/2013 15:56

Personally, I think you should make a stand and call it for what it is - racism. You don't have to rant or rave or labour the point.

I'd simply reply in kind with "and your racist point is...?"