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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I unreasonable r.e dd's birthday present?

99 replies

babybearsmummy · 13/07/2013 12:24

It was my little girl's first birthday on Wednesday. Apart from the presents from dp and I, my brother and dd's parents, she didn't even get a card from anyone else.

So dp's parents phoned dd's great grandad to remind him and he reluctantly sent a card. He also visited dp's parents on the Tuesday and was dragged round to ours to say happy birthday. He stayed for all of about 5 mins and was miserable, ignored dd etc. So he left and I let it slip as he's a misery anyway!

Dp's parents visited dd's great nanny yesterday and asked if she'd sent a card or called us to pop over to hers for a bit (she lives a five min walk down the road) and she screamed at them that she's has 'no time to' (I'd just like to add here that she had just been into town to go shopping for gifts and cards for a grand daughter's christening, also that she's not very old- early 60s before there's any accusations of granny bashing and having a go at an old woman, she is a very spring chicken!) Anyway!.... She then proceeded to snatch up a blank card from a drawer and scribble happy birthday on it and grabbed something she'd knitted and shoved it into a bag.

So when dp's parents came over and explained and went to hand me the bag, I just lost it and burst into tears. I don't have any contact with any of my family and haven't done for a long time due to them 'siding' with my abusive ex when we broke up, but I still talk to my brother as he has always been supportive. So I have been completely gutted by the fact that dp's family, who all live very close, just will not give dd their time of day. She's the only great grandchild on their side and dp's parents are absolutely fuming too.

So I sent the card and 'gift' back via dp's parents and given them a message to pass on to everyone who's not bothered with dd that if it's too much hassle to acknowledge her, then don't bother!

Was I unreasonable? Or am I being PFB? I don't want people to be held under duress with regards to contact etc, so would I also be unreasonable to cut what little contact is there with the extended family?

OP posts:
Original poster
babybearsmummy · 13/07/2013 12:24

Sorry, 2nd line should say dp's parents

OP posts:
mynameisslimshady · 13/07/2013 12:29

Sorry but I think over the birthday card/present issue you are being quite PFB, your dd with neither remember nor care about her 1st birthday and I think to guilt people onto sending cards and presents is shocking.

babyhmummy01 · 13/07/2013 12:30

Yanbu imo but I have a shocking history of losing my rag with friends and family over stuff like this. 7 years down the line my mate is still waiting for her mil to congratulate the birth of her ds!

Ignore them on.the basis they will.need u before u need them xxx

FairhairedAndFrustrated · 13/07/2013 12:30

It's their loss. Move on.

As a lady I no longer have any contact with once said to me, "just because she's the centre of your universe doesn't mean everyone else's world revolves around her"

Original poster
babybearsmummy · 13/07/2013 12:31

I'm not bothered about the cards and gifts which is why I sent them back, I'm more annoyed they they don't message or call or pop over or ask us to go to theirs just so they can see her or even ask how she is.

OP posts:
Acinonyx · 13/07/2013 12:32

So you feel your dd is not getting enough attention - and the solutions is..... to cut contact Confused You sound like hard work.

Eilidhbelle · 13/07/2013 12:35

Wow, I think you're being totally unreasonable. It's fine to be angry, expected even, but to return a present and kick up a fuss? Not good. Could you not have just shrugged it off as their loss? Because you've probably just made the relationship much worse.

mynameisslimshady · 13/07/2013 12:36

But even when they did acknowledge her it wasn't enough. You had a visit, but its not good enough because he was dragged there and wasn't all chirpy, then you get a card and present but it wasn't good enough because it was grabbed from a drawer and quickly written. What do you want?

BreadNameBread · 13/07/2013 12:36

Oh dear. Sad. Unfortunately I think you have handled this badly. I understand that it is upsetting that your DPs family are not giving your DD lots of attention but I think your behaviour will make them even less inclined to do anything.
It really doesn't matter to your DD whether or not she recieved lots of gifts and cards.

If you want a less stressful life I would try to accept that your DPs relatives are not that caring and not worry about it too much. The only thing that really matters is that you and your DP love and care for your DP.
So, whilst your frustration is very understandable, YABU (and PFB)

McPie · 13/07/2013 12:38

Ignore them and don't make any effort if they wont, concentrate on the people who show an interest in your dd without being forced and forget about the rest. She will thank you in years to come for keeping the toxic people out of her life.

toomanyfionas · 13/07/2013 12:38

YABU

First birthday is huge - for baby's parents. Possibly siblings and grandparents. No one else is likely to remember or be very excited, though nice people will show a polite interest.

I think the grandparents were foolish to convey the great grandmother's reaction to being prompted for a gift; of course it would upset you.

Everyone needs to calm down a bit.

Next time just invite whoever it is you want to share the celebration with for tea & cake. People always perk up around cake and it's nice to have others admire your baby.

WafflyVersatile · 13/07/2013 12:38

I'd feel disappointed too but you can't make people be more involved than they want as it just makes them resentful as evidenced here. Did they remember? Did you remind them before the birthday?

I think you have to accept that this is their decision. cards and presents and involvement are not an entitlement in either direction.

You say DP's parents were annoyed too. They know them better. Can they shed light on any of it? Do you get on with them generally? What about your DP? Does he have a view?

Onesleeptillwembley · 13/07/2013 12:39

Wow. You sent the stuff back? I have to wonder if there's more to this. You already have no contact with your side. The reason you give sounds more than understandable, but that's just your side if the story. You burst into tears and send presents/cards back? It sounds like you're a drama queen. And then you'll wonder why nobody bothers again.

cleofatra · 13/07/2013 12:40

Yes, I think YAB PFB (Big time).
But then again, I am from a family where people just wouldnt send cards etc to grandkids and wouldnt see it as a big deal.

IneedAsockamnesty · 13/07/2013 12:40

She's 1 she has no idea what a birthday is.

I think your being harsh they are great gp's not parents or gp's

MidniteScribbler · 13/07/2013 12:41

Good grief. DS got presents from me, his aunt and one friend of mine for his first birthday. I never expected distant relatives or even friends, workmates or anyone else to remember it. Oh and a few facebook messages after I put some photos of him up eating cake. It's a first birthday. It honestly drives me crazy when people think that they need to throw a street parade for a first birthday that the child will never remember.

starfishmummy · 13/07/2013 12:41

I would be a bit annoyed that relatives had ignored or forgotten my child's birthday but your reaction is completely OTT. In fact you sound like a spoiled child so maybe now you are a mother, you need to grow up.

If I was a relative of yours, you cutting me off would be a big relief.

cleofatra · 13/07/2013 12:43

Also Im a bit confused with all these great grand parents.

HappyMummyOfOne · 13/07/2013 12:43

YABVU, she was one and wont even be aware it was her birthday. Sound like her parents, uncle and grandparents acknowledged it and thats plenty. When shes at school she will celebrate with het friends,

Returning a gift is simply rude just because it didnt meet your expectations. Luckily your dd is too young yet to pick up on those manners.

WafflyVersatile · 13/07/2013 12:46

OTOH If I didn't like my grandson's partner (no idea whether they do or not) I would still get the DC a card and present if I could afford it.

zzzzz · 13/07/2013 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floralnomad · 13/07/2013 12:50

I do think you have overreacted but I can see where you are coming from . In effect this is all the family you have after obviously feeling let down in the past by your own family and now they have also let you down . If I were you I'd ring the great nan and apologise for overreacting ,then I'd move on .

MalcolmTuckersMum · 13/07/2013 12:54

Is it the heat or am I thick? I don't understand how your dd has a 'great' grandmother who is early 60's. Is that even possible? I suppose it is if you all had children at 15 but really??

Justfornowitwilldo · 13/07/2013 12:54

I think that your issues with your own family may have, understandably, made you more sensitive to this.

Not all extended families send cards or presents or make a big deal of birthdays. It's not a measure of their love/care for your baby. It's more likely that they'll buy presents and come to parties when she's old enough to understand that it's her birthday.

It must have been hard for you to have her first birthday when estranged from your family. Events like that have a way of underlining absence. Given your reasons for cutting contact with your relations, it must bring up a lot of anger and sadness.

DaddyPigsMistress · 13/07/2013 12:55

I can see why you are upset buy you are being unreasonable and very rude to send back the gift. I would apologise.