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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not have my MIL around every week while im on maternity leave?

21 replies

JRmumma · 12/07/2013 17:53

My MIL lives about an hour away, but comes to stay with a local elderly relative overnight once per week so she can visit us and other family and be a bit of company for said relative.

I had a feeling that when i have the baby i wont be able to get rid of her on those 2 days she is here, but its started already even though ive not had baby yet.

AIBU to not want to spend 2 days with her every week for the next year? This week (first week of mat leave) she was with me both days, and she has asked me if i am around next week on those 2 days. Ive said im not sure what im doing yet on those days, but at least one of them i have to wait in for a delivery so if she turns up i know ill have her for the whole day.

She is lovely and im not adverse to spending time with her, but i don't want to get into the habit of her thinking im available for her all the time, and want to be able to say no if she wants to come round even if im not going out. I don't want to have to lie and pretend im going out all the time as that is horrible and would be quite stressful for me. I know she will want to see her grandchild each week, and she can, but i cant have her with me on a regular basis like that.

This is probably making me sound horrible but she is quite full on and even follows me upstairs when im going to get dressed etc when she is here and the thought of having to entertain her for the next year is filling me with dread!

OP posts:

pippop1 · 12/07/2013 18:11

This sounds v difficult. Can your DH have a subtle word with her so that she understands your feelings? Can you go round to the relative she stays with so that you can leave when you want to, say after an hour or two? This will give you a bit of control.

selsigfach · 12/07/2013 18:13

Yanbu, I really wouldn't like that (although I expect someone will be along to say you wouldn't mind if it was your mum). I think you need to have an honest conversation with her - "MIL, I love you. I'm so pleased you're as about the baby as we are and it's lovely that you want to spend time with him/her, but I really can't have you over for two whole days every week. I need to bond with baby, do chores, meet friends...

TripleRock · 12/07/2013 18:17

Can you actively arrange with her a regular fortnightly afternoon together (or monthly or whatever) so that everyone knows where they stand?

TarkaTheOtter · 12/07/2013 18:22

Make other plans! Don't let it get to the stage where she expects you to keep those days free for her. It's nice that you get to see so much of her and close grandparents can be lovely but it's in danger of becoming an obligation and ruining your relationship with her.

maddening · 12/07/2013 18:22

Can you suggest she comes when her son is home too - so you get the day to yourself and dh has to host his mum - that way if it gets a bit much your dh will be the one to say something - agree with arranging something specific fortnightly such as an outing too.

nightowlmostly · 12/07/2013 18:23

I understand how you feel, but this might end up being a blessing in disguise. When she comes you'll be able to have a shower in peace, pop out and get your hair done, things you can't when it's just you. You won't have to be with her all e time, she could take baby out for a walk and give you some peace.

Maybe see how it goes before deciding its a problem. Congrats btw!

selsigfach · 12/07/2013 18:24

Excellent suggestion, triplerock.

MerylStrop · 12/07/2013 18:28

I am 3 kids down the line from you and all I can think is that this is a potential babysitting godsend

I also think it would be mean not to let her see her grandchild as often as possible/practical.

So, so as not to screw up the excellent opportunity and free time I would think about what would be an acceptable arrangement..

A weekly lunch together (at yours or out) after which she takes the baby out for a stroll whilst you do the laundry have a kip, or maybe line her up to take the lo to a playgroup once per week when they are old enough.

In the mean time invite her AT A SPECIFIC TIME when you are waiting in for stuff, and make sure she knows that you have a lot of maternity yoga to go to etc

HeyMicky · 12/07/2013 18:28

I'm with Nightowl. She can come, but has to take baby out so you can have a nap. Dictate the timings so she comes in the morning, you get time to shower. They go out while you nap, she picks up something for lunch. I wouldn't have wanted my MIL sitting on my sofa every week, but I definitely could have done with a spare pair of hands

HeyMicky · 12/07/2013 18:29

Snap, Meryl

pictish · 12/07/2013 18:38

I wouldn't want that either. I'm not one for the every-single-wednesday type of interaction at all.

badguider · 12/07/2013 18:38

If she's likely to stick around all day once she's with you then I would invite her for lunch on one of the days. You can spend the afternoon together for now then once you have the LO you can leave her holding the baby after lunch and get a nap yourself :)

And I would make my own plans on the other day. Half a day a week every single week is the most i'd ever spend with any one person except my husband, no matter how nice they are or related to me or my baby.

Original poster

JRmumma · 12/07/2013 18:42

Thanks. Yes i know having her around regularly will be a godsend, and i would never ever say she couldn't see her grandchild either, but i don't want to have to commit to anything too structured, or limiting for either of us.

And no- i wouldn't like it if it was my own mother either! But id feel much more comfortable telling her so if that was the problem. She is much less sensitive than MIL!

OP posts:

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 12/07/2013 18:44

YANBU

I'm sure she's lovely but that sounds like way too much. It you let it continue you might start to resent her and that'll sour what could be a lovely relationship for you all

I would make it clear that you love seeing her but you would prefer to see how things go as you won't know how much rest etc you might need. Then invite her over as often as you want to see her and accept as many invites for lunches etc from her as you can but don't fall into a pattern of certain days being reserved for her

MintyChops · 12/07/2013 18:47

YANBU, I would hate that too.

sameoldIggi · 13/07/2013 09:34

You may find there are great baby groups/baby swimming etc that just happen to be on on those days. Then you would still end up seeing her, but just with a time limit. I think if it didn't stretch out indefinitely you'd feel a lot better about seeing her, and could make the most of the extra hands.

Original poster

JRmumma · 13/07/2013 09:56

Its not that i don't want to see her, i imagine ill see her every week. But i don't want to build an expectation that its ok for her to be here for 2 whole days every week. Some weeks maybe she can just come for dinner once hubby is home, and other weeks i might spend a whole day with her, but i don't want her to come straight here when she arrives, stay till evening and then come back again the next morning.

Whilst she may be a help, i do find her quite hard work and i don't get anything done when she is here normally. Like i said up-thread, she even follows me upstairs if i pop up for 5 mins when she is here.

OP posts:

CatsRule · 13/07/2013 10:16

She maybe wont do the following thing once she has your baby to help drool over with. You may actually get things done.

Plus, you dont know how things will pan out. For example, my baby had really bad reflux until he was over 11 months and would be sick several times a day most days. We soul was hungry so cried when put down, he is still a velcro baby at 16 months, going to the toilet and baths were problematic!

I don't know what I'd have done if my mum wasn't there regularly to just hold him and get him to nap while I had 10 mins for myself. she also cleaned my house and fed me as I found this a bit impossible in the beginning

I wish my mil was lovely and offered me unconditional help regularly, even in the form of holding the baby so I could do some things. Unfortunately she is vile, wanted to jiggle him until he was sick make the monkey perform and cast up anything she could!

Chose your battles and wait and see how it goes. She might just be a godsend.

CatsRule · 13/07/2013 10:20

Also, I found people who visit after the baby is here don't stray far from the baby. Prior to ds my inlaws never visited, when ds was enroute they never stayed away and were up and down my stairs like a yoyo. When ds arrived nobody seemed to need to pee

thewhitequeen · 13/07/2013 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

JRmumma · 13/07/2013 18:07

Hopefully im giving her much less credit than she deserves and worrying for nothing. Fingers crossed she will be brilliant but she doesn't take hints and gets upset if you are blunt so if i have to address it, it will be awkward and probably make me feel awful.

OP posts:

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