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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect just one text msg? big fat vent

15 replies

acsr1987 · 12/07/2013 14:05

ok bit of a long story but i lost a baby last year, my best friend was with me at a routine scan wen we found out baby had died.... obviously a very sad and all round shitty time for me.
anywho roll on to may this year and i find im expecting again, very pleased but also very stressed and worried it will go all to pot like the last time. i told my best friend who just told me not to get my hopes up and i havnt seen her since around a week before i found out i was pregnant.
ive text my "best friend" after 2 early scans to say baby still alive and ive gotten "good stuff" as a text back... ok so nothing really wrong with that.
heres where i get myself chewed, i rang her last friday to tell her that my 12 week scan appt was to be on wednesday, she didnt answer but i left a voice mail, i got a text from her late on to say she was really busy with work and she wud ring me later about it... i didnt hear anything from her but figured shed be busy as it was the weekend, (she likes to go out drinking, shes young free and single and i have a toddler) anyways i text her again on monday about seein her ex bf in town and got a reply STRAIGHT AWAY... i havnt had her text me that fast in months. i never mentioned the scan and neither did she. i half expected a "good luck" text wednesday morning but got nothing, neither did i get a "is everything ok" text later on that night, and i still havnt heard anything from her.
i may sound petty but shes supposed to be my best friend, and i text her every time she has an exam to sit or results to pick up or a new date to go on to tell her good luck and she dosnt even hav the decentcy to see how my little peanut is?? wtf?!?!? we "were" so close shes godmother to my son and i have supported her thru break ups and family matters and everything. and of all people she should of known how important wednesday was for me as SHE was with me the last time i found out my last baby had died. i know that maybe i should text her and tell her im annoyed and pissed off but thats not like me and i think i shouldnt have to explain to her of all people why wednesday was such a big deal for me, does that make sense?
i really gutted about the whole thing if im being honest, all she had to do is send me a text to say "good luck" AIBU to of expected this from my supposed best friend?
rant over

OP posts:

Original poster

acsr1987 · 12/07/2013 14:17

bump

OP posts:

NinaHeart · 12/07/2013 14:24

You're naturally disappointed, and I see why this baby is so important to you - and also such a worry -but this scan is far more important in your eyes than hers, I'm afraid.

HatieKopkins · 12/07/2013 14:26

She's not the father, is she?

Original poster

acsr1987 · 12/07/2013 14:29

lol no shes just my best friend, my partner couldnt be at the horrible scan she came to as he was away on buisness, shes just my best friend

OP posts:

HatieKopkins · 12/07/2013 14:31

Then I'm not sure why you want her to be as invested in the pregnancy as you are, in that case. Is she a good friend otherwise?

NorbertDentressangle · 12/07/2013 14:37

Maybe she was scared that she brought bad luck last time and is scared she'll be bad luck this time too. Some sort of weird superstitious thoughts she has?

Maybe shes scared that couldn't go through it again.

(BTW I realise that what she 'went through' is nothing compared to what you went through but that still doesn't mean that she might not be scared too IYSWIM. Sorry if I've worded it clumsily).

ImperialBlether · 12/07/2013 14:42

Oh come on, Hatie! Of course she should expect more from her friend. For god's sake, it must be really stressful for the OP having that scan and she sounds a good friend to this woman. Why shouldn't she expect some consideration in return?

ilovechips · 12/07/2013 14:45

I would also have expected at least a "hope it went ok today" message tbh...ok of course it's not as important to her but Ffs she is a friend, isn't that what friends do?

mynameisslimshady · 12/07/2013 14:46

I completely understand how you are feeling.

I found, after I lost my son, that people didn't ask or acknowledge my pregnancy a couple of years later, not until I was about 35 weeks and they felt I was 'safe'.

Infant loss makes a lot of people very uneasy and unsure and the default seems to be to ignore the 'elephant in the room' rather than say something and possibly get it wrong and cause further upset.

HatieKopkins · 12/07/2013 16:07

Oh come on, Imperial! She's responded to texts about the baby, just not in the time-scale wanted by the OP - and the OP is expecting her to remember when scans and stuff are, independently. It's not her baby, why would she remember?

MrsOakenshield · 12/07/2013 16:15

I don't know Hatie, my best friend would have, and indeed did care and wanted to know and be there for me. Because, you know, she's my best friend?

Mia4 · 12/07/2013 16:33

I'm really sorry that happened to you OP but to play DA if she's that close a friend perhaps you losing the baby and actually being with you when you found out may have really shocked and upset her. She may be playing down this pregnancy in the fear of that happening again and the fear of her not knowing what to do if it does.

Fear and worry can make people seem self absorbed in the other's eye but if you are wondering then pick up the phone and talk to her or meet her for coffee and talk to her. From someone who saw her friend lose 3 babies, by the fourth I really didn't see the early scan results as positive, not until she passed the time and the baby was at a more viable time did I stop worrying and freaking out and fretting.

I was there for her but i was very careful not to get too excited, as were her other friends, we felt it might somehow make things worse. Our friend never brought it up with us so we figured it was what she wanted too (it was she confirmed later) but perhaps that's what your friend is doing. Trying to forget about the baby until she's sure she doesn't need to worry.

Call or text her, don't have a rant at her just have a coffee and ask if she's okay. Say you've noticed a difference in her behaviour and ask her if she's worried. You may find her answers surprising, she may just not care but if she has up until now you'll probably find she's just very worried and avoiding.

PinkSippyCup · 12/07/2013 16:57

I have a friend who has suffered miscarriages. She recently told me she is excepting again and I'm over the moon for her, I really am.

However because I know her history I am always very careful in mentioning her pregnancy unless she's said something first. For example I was going to spend her a funny pregnancy picture the other day, but didn't because I got that 'what if?' feeling just before I sent it.

I'm just trying to say that it's difficult, people don't always know the right thing to do. Also going to a scan and finding out that news must have been traumatic for her too. (But obviously not as traumatic as it was for you!)

JessieMcJessie · 12/07/2013 17:00

OP you've had some fantastic good news about the baby. Congratulations. Focus on that and don't allow negative feelings about your friend to bring you down, take a deep breath and let it go. Sure she was just being a bit thoughtless.

Aetae · 12/07/2013 17:08

I agree with Pink - it's incredibly difficult to know what to say in these circumstances, they can be difficult for those around you as well (although not as hard as going through it yourself obviously). I have a friend who had several miscarriages before she had her baby including a very traumatic second trimester one and it became almost impossible to speak to her about her pregnancy - I didn't know what to say and she was an emotional wreck. So we didn't talk about it. Which meant we didn't really talk about anything since she was so focussed on being/staying pregnant.

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