to feel like DP is hogging the baby

[WeeS]

My baby is 2 weeks old and I don't think I've really bonded with her the way I thought I would have. DP took 5 weeks off work, he has another 3 to go now til he goes back on nightshifts. In the meantime, the baby sleeps at his side of the bed and I feel like he is the one making all the decisions, doing the majority of the feeding, cleaning etc. I feel really left out and I'm struggling with the new dynamics of our relationship. I feel totally hopeless! I don't want to tell him to stop hogging the baby as I know I'm lucky to have someone so hands on - but how much is too much? AIBU?

Can you not suggest taking it in turns with the feeds etc? What sort of decisions do you mean he is making - any decisions should surely be a joint decision.

On the other hand, enjoy getting as much sleep as you can for the next 3 weeks as from then on in if he is working nights then you won't have the help most nights.

I think this is the first time I have ever read that a father is 'too much involved' - I know its easy for me to say this but this must be a wonderful 'problem' to have when you hear of so many stories of dads not wanting to look after their own baby. As Sirzy says, your DP will soon be going back to work so enjoy the time as much as you can. You have only given birth two weeks ago, you need as much rest as you can get. .

I remember having all sorts of weird feelings at that very newborn stage so please don't worry! (I felt like DH was 'better with' DS than me) 2 weeks is very very early still. I didn't feel like DS and I had bonded yet at that point but two weeks later it was a different story (and i imagine this is different for everyone btw). I had a textbook 'easy' birth (rofl at the very idea of 'easy') which was actually very fast and furious, lots of stitches, and it tool me a good few weeks to feel well enough to get to grips with everything. You've got lots of time yet to form that bond and when DP is back at work it'll be just the two of you anyway. If you carry on feeling things aren't right in terms if bonding etc then you can always talk to your gp, but I don't think there's anything wrong with just letting your body recover just now. Don't be afraid to say hey DP, my turn for a cuddle now, and enjoy some baby snuggles every now and then, too!

Is there any reason that your baby has to sleep on DP's side of the bed? It don't have any experience of co sleeping (ds and I are both monster wrigglers, it didn't really work!) but I wondered if there's a specific reason for this?

Firstly, congratulations

I can understand why you'd feel out of place/not used to the new dynamic, but that's perfectly normal even when you're the one doing everything. Really take the time to fully relax and recover from the birth.

On a positive note if your DH develops a strong bond with baby now that will carry over to when he goes back to work.

But I would be discussing the feelings you're having about being left out of decisions

My DP was very much like this with our baby - his pfb, my third. He is great with my other two dc to be fair. Once he goes back to work things will rebalance - they'll have to as he will be working nights! Perhaps at the back of his mind he is thinking about this too and trying to make the most of the few precious weeks he has got off work. If I were you i would wait and see how things go, you could always have a chat with him further down the line if needs be. Congratulations btw.

Have you told him how you feel? He's probably trying his best to give you as much rest as possible. Talk to him and explain that you'd like more bonding time with your baby. Can you start looking for baby groups and take the baby out for a morning occasionally?

Let him take the nights you take the days until he goes backs to work at least as the dynamic will probably change again at that point. Have lots of skin to skin time with baby during the day. I can see why you would be upset by this but as other posters have said it's early days. If you don't want to say Oi hand the baby over you could always try look youve done loads go and get your head down for a few hours you must be shattered he is trying to help and he wants to bond with baby too so you don't want to discourage that

I have a relative that has struggled to bond, partly because Dad would take over the baby, so she got on with things in the house.

Many women need one to one time to establish that bond and it can take a few weeks, so whilst it is normal to feel as you do, it needs to be discussed with your DH.

Women bond with their babies in different ways to men, our hormones are there, not for Breastfeeding but for a secure attachment to be created between Mother and Baby. We should have enough time and space to bond, in our own time and way.

All of the research done show's that Dads don't need the same continual contact, or whether Dads go on to parent their children in a better way (or even stick around) if they have the same one on one time, as is needed by Mothers.

It needs to be talked about and your feelings need to be given priority, at this important time.

I had this, I remember crying myself to sleep as I'd practically had him prized off my boob for him to feed him formula. Along with lots of huffing and puffing as I'd had a c section so he was the one able to get out of bed (ds also his side).
I've no advice to help, but it did resolve itself. My oh didn't have any time off work so as my stomach healed his tiredness caught up so naturally I was doing more. Even now I get 'I had to do all the night feeds when he was a baby'. He takes great pleasure telling all his friends and family.

You both sound like lovely parents OP :)
I remember being very jealous as my oh seemed to get all the smiles early on but dd is 5 and half months I get smiles too.
It's a short time until your partner goes back to work so of he wants to do the nights I'd let him but if its seriously affecting how you bond with the baby then I'm sure if you told him that he would back off a bit. Good luck

It's easy to say how great it is that he's so involved, but I get your point. :)

Is he controlling in other ways? Or is he just so in love with the baby?

Wow surprised by the responses. I would have felt devastated if my partner had been spending time with our baby to my detriment. Not lucky, or glad of the rest, or any of it. That baby had been with me for 9 months, I couldn't suddenly let go. Not that my partner didn't get a look in, of course he did, plenty of time. But if you're feeling like this op I'd really suggest talking to him. Post birth is a funny old place emotionally so you need to take care of yourself.

I would tell him how you feel. Its good that he is so involved but you should not be feeling left out.

Can I ask why the baby sleeps on his side? I am not against co sleeping at all I sleep with my 9 weeks old but research has showed that the mother is much more responsive to the baby, so its safer when next to the mother.

I hope you manage to talk and get this resolved.

You need to talk to him and this could well be a time when talking to him in floods of tears would do the trick. Yes, it's nice to have time to have a shower or a cup of tea while he has the baby, but you shouldn't feel that you can't bond with the baby because he's always got her. Talk to him and say you want to share turns. Could you send him out on a very long errand without the baby so that you are alone with her? I think you do need quite a time alone with her to bond.

What about your mum? Could she ask him to come and do some jobs for her, just to get him out of the way?

My Dh was like this with our first although I appreciatedit as was totally at sea following a trautraumatic birth. Looking back I can see that it wasn't really best for me or our Dd. I have resisted it more with ds and dd2 but he seems to think he should be equally responsible for looking after a baby which I don't really agree with, hard to explain but I think a mum is more in tune than a dad. The fact that breastfeeding has never worked for me (which has been a serious disappointment) kind of adds to it as I feel upset about that and can't say that he can't equally do what I can, which in fact practically he can.
Sorry don't know how to resolve it but you aren't alone.

Apologies for not getting back sooner, I did on my phone but I see it's not gone through!
Thanks for all the replies and it's really good to know I'm not alone or at least not mental/hugely ungrateful!
DP is brilliant really, and I think I was possibly overreacting. I had just expected to feel so much more in control but I felt he was making all the decisions and taking over from things without consulting me or involving me, such as bathing the baby, which he has done without me there. Her first baths are a bit of a novelty to me, I would have liked to have been involved. It just felt like the roles were reversed, and I was the one cleaning up after everything whilst he got all the nice times with the baby.
The baby was at his side of the bed because there is more room, but also in the first few nights of having her home, he did all the night feeds as I was exhausted and sore. I was so grateful for this, so when I started to feel like he was doing too much and leaving me out, in my head it sounded so ungrateful, I didn't know how to broach it with him.
I wasn't expecting to feel so left out and also neglected a little bit - for our whole relationship it's been the two of us and then, despite looking forward to our babys arrival for 9 months, I then feel like he's too busy with a baby to notice me. Sounds so childish when I actually write it down!
I spoke to DP about how I was feeling and tbh, have been occasionally teary anyway, so chose one of these episodes to get it out there!
We have since swapped sides of the bed was regretting that last night and he is more conscious of letting me do more, or at least, not just going ahead and doing things without involving me. I also have a walk set up for next week with a group of girls and their new babies, that I know through Aquanatal classes

im glad things are going better now he probably just wanted to help you out as he is going back to work very soon. my oh fed our first baby at night but the moses basket was my side of the bed. he has never hogged any of our babies but the first time he assumed the role of night shifts should be his as i had carried said child for 9 months and had just had a 26 hour labour followed by a c section. however his sister was a terrible baby hog and i got so annoyed we went to stay at my dads miles away for almost a week just to get a break.a friend hogged our second baby baby number 3 is due end of march and im fully expecting that friend to be a baby hog again and im only 7 weeks and already thinking of baby hog blocking strategies.