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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About my wedding? I suspect I am really...

18 replies

PosyNarker · 11/07/2013 21:33

DP and I are engaged to be married but I have a 'tricky' family background & a very traditional DM but am struggling a but with guest lists.

We are paying for it ourselves, to be clear, but it's still a big of a minefield. Tbh I would merrily run away, but DP wants a big family party.

Anyway, one side of my family effectively estranged (we do talk as it was a long time ago, but lots of water under bridge etc. so I never really saw them growing up). Thus I wouldn't invite and everyone okay with that.

Other side of my family, I have much older cousins (parents age) who I like well enough but wouldn't be fussed either way, plus my uncle & cousin who is much closer in she. Uncle is a grade A arse & cousin just the same. Nothing heinous but growing up treated DM and our side of the family like second class citizens for years and if I wasn't related, I would avoid due to big headed arsey behaviour.

All good - avoid cousins yes? Except DP wants his cousin to be an usher. He's much closer in age, not an arse but they only really keep up online because we're all scattered all over the place.

I'm fine with this, but DM says if we invite nice cousin & his wife, we must invite all my cousins and partners (except the side of the family we don't invite

AIBU to think that since I only see the buggers at weddings and funerals we can invite who we like? I have just about accepted that we must invite arsey uncle but surely could paint nice cousin as 'really close since they grew up together' (true).

I am not short of funds but the difference between 3 people (nice cousin, wife and brother) and 16 people (before we consider their 12 kids ffs) is quite a bit and frankly I don't want people I dislike and who don't like me at my wedding !

Do you really need to have exactly the same rules of both sides? My family significantly bigger than DP's...

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 11/07/2013 21:38

you are paying. you decide.

MimiSunshine · 11/07/2013 21:38

In a word No.
Might be different if the usher was one of your cousins and you weren't inviting any others (and even then so what) but how the hell would anyone even know the usher was your soon to be DH cousin unless anyone tells them and even if they do, so what you can both invite ever you choose.

LouiseD29 · 11/07/2013 21:38

Hi Posy, I got married last year. I'm really close with my cousins, so invited a lot of them. DH, on the other hand, while he hasn't fallen out with any of his extended family, isn't that close to them so didn't invite any of them - just parents, siblings and grandparents, I think his nan was a bit put out for a while (that her other kids weren't there), but has got over it and it has made precisely no difference to our lives.

Perhaps your DP, with his family relationships hasn't quite got his head around how different yours are. No, of course you don't need to have the same rules. It's your wedding - you do it in the way that's right for you.YANBU.

TheCatIsUpTheDuff · 11/07/2013 21:38

As long as you can explain it fairly, you can do what you like. We invited all aunts and uncles except DH's who lives in Australia and wasn't well enough to travel, and my step-uncle who's never acknowledged me as part of the family, and the selected cousins who we'd spent time with and had fun with growing up. One of DH's cousins was an usher. They're good mates as well as cousins.

No-one grumbled either to us or (as far as I know) to our parents.

Onesleeptillwembley · 11/07/2013 21:40

I have a large family so it was no cousins at mine, but one was invited as we were also friends amd mixed a lot in the same crowd. Nobody had any problems with that. Do wgat yoy want and what's right for you. Enjoy your day.

Scholes34 · 11/07/2013 21:42

Three of my cousins were bridesmaids, two more cousins came to whole do, other six cousins came to just evening do. All DH's cousins came to whole do. It all depends on your relationship with them. Don't be dictated to by your DM.

MortifiedAdams · 11/07/2013 21:43

Your dh is inviting his cousin because he is a friend, not because he is a cousin. Simple.

We didn't have anyone at the daytime who we didn't feel close to.

aldiwhore · 11/07/2013 21:46

Give your DM 6 slots to fill with people she feels should be there that aren't already.

I did this with my family (after inviting the usual suspects) and it worked a treat.

It's a compromise and will cost you an 'extra' 6 places, but it will save you from having to choose who's more important to your mum.

Original poster

PosyNarker · 11/07/2013 21:52

Thanks all. I thought everyone would say IWBU

I think mimi has hit it on the head though. While we are planning a small wedding, I sincerely doubt anyone will pick up on it unless we bang on about an usher being DO's cousin - there isn't even a family resemblance do I may be over thinking this letting DM's Debretts type requirements get under my skin

I genuinely don't want to cause her any hassle but she hardly sees any of them either!

OP posts:

Ezio · 11/07/2013 21:53

Your wedding, your choice, i wouldnt invite family i didnt like to my wedding.

PrincessKitKat · 11/07/2013 21:54

My DH's cousins came to the day as he has 7 people in his family (total!) I only had aunts & uncles else there would have been 36 on my side My cousins came to the evening.
But anyway, I agree, your DPs cousin qualifies under the friends category, not family - mother overruled!

specialsubject · 11/07/2013 21:54

your party, you are paying, you invite who you want.

random genetic connection is not a qualification.

Original poster

PosyNarker · 11/07/2013 21:55

Good shout aldiwhore will have another look at the lists and see how they are balancing,

OP posts:

neunundneunzigluftballons · 11/07/2013 21:58

Mil would have had us asking 3rd cousins twice removed if she got her way even though we were not asking all my dads family due to the sheer scale of his family. He did not mind at all. You cannot please everyone you decide.

Original poster

PosyNarker · 11/07/2013 22:32

Yy you cannot please everyone. We are atheists so by not choosing a church wedding we've already set some to tongues wagging (we were asked if would be having in my home church, to which I was pretty honest that it was inconvenient and would be pretty hypocritical. Oddly DM okay with that because she doesn't like the new priest )

OP posts:

ConfusedPixie · 11/07/2013 22:46

Invite who you like. DP and I will be pissing off a lot of people at our wedding the summer after next, could not give a toss! Why invite people you don't even know really?!

Kafri · 11/07/2013 22:51

There's only 3 people you 'need' to have there. A bride, a groom and someone to perform the ceremony. (Oh and a couple of witnesses but technically they could be dragged in off the street of needs be)

So, above and beyond the necessary people who, I'm guessing, are all going to be there - anyone else is entirely up to you.

though if it's a church wedding, anyone can turn up for the service of they wish

LoopyLooplaHoop · 11/07/2013 22:59

When we got married, we invited all 12 or so of DH's cousins, and 1/18 of mine. I only really like or see that one. Eyebrows were raised, but I wanted as many friends as possible.

My new saying of the week is that blood may be thicker than water, but so is toxic waste.

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