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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you go to people houses when not 'properly' invited??

22 replies

Dorange · 11/07/2013 21:18

This might sound silly, but I need to ask

I have never liked to go to someone's house/party or whatever whit out been properly invited by the host, I mean, I need to feel that the person wants me there, I hate tagging along and have been like this since my teens, (I am 36), I don't know exactly why I am like this.

My sister had organised to come and visit me and her god daughter, my DD, at the end of the month, just before we go away for a long time. Now, even though we live quite close to each other, it is not easy to see my sister because she is always super busy and anything has to be schedule with her with at least one month in advance. Most of the time, I change my plans to accommodate her, since she is so busy.

Anyway, this morning she txts me saying that her friend 'Y' invited us to go visit her new baby at the same day she was supposed to come visit me.
So I ask something along the lines how was the invitation to me done (since I last seen Y 3 years ago, we used to work together and she always treated me very well but deep inside I always had the feeling she doesn't like me very much and also once I commented on her photo on FB when I just opened my account and she totally ignored me, we have loads of friends in common on FB and I didn't ad her because we are not proper friends, and she didn't ad me either...)

Anyway, my sister said she met Y at a party and Y invited her to go to her house, but sister said that on that same date she was supposed to visit me and would go to her house only if I and my DD could come to, which Y said ok.

I told my sister that I wouldn't be comfortable going but I would be ok if she wanted to reschedule with me and go. My sister didn't like it very much but said she will come to mine and go see Y another time.

Now, IABU, to not feel properly invited and refuse to go?
Also I was looking forward to spend time with my sister which will be impossible in other peoples house visiting a new born.

OP posts:

littlewhitebag · 11/07/2013 21:21

How proper is a proper invitation? Engraved white cards?

Your sister asked Y if you could visit with her, Y said yes. It is fine. Just go.

claudedebussy · 11/07/2013 21:22

i wouldn't want to go if it was on sufferance of your sister's friend either.

but you're caught between a rock and a hard place. either you go and not feel welcomed or your sister has to cancel her plans.

tbh i would not go in this instance. since you're always changing your plans to suit your sister, let her do it for a change.

don't be afraid to ask for what you want.

BrianTheMole · 11/07/2013 21:26

I wouldn't want to go either.

SupermansBigRedPants · 11/07/2013 21:31

I'd not go - for me even a wee 'hey your sister says you're both popping over soon see you then' on fb would suffice but I am eternally worried about putting my foot in it.

I Never visit without some sort of arrangements having been made even if it was 5 minutes before I.e quick phone call/text 'what you upto? At tesco. Pop in then' and I hate really really really hate unannounced visitors I'm looking at you in laws. Every rude bastard one of you. I like to do a wee tidy up and make myself decent for visitors - I'm nearly always in short nighties/dresses which is fine for my family and friends but I prefer to be fully clothed for df's lot judgemental nutters

Although after all these years they've not learned and still bitch that they aren't welcome - no you are not if you don't phone first!

SupermansBigRedPants · 11/07/2013 21:32

That is really long and ranty sorry.

SoleSource · 11/07/2013 21:33

I wouldn't want to go and surely your DS could you put you first as you're going away.

Original poster

Dorange · 11/07/2013 21:35

Well, my sister had arranged with me first, like 4 weeks ago, and she met Y yesterday, so ....

Also, i don't expect an invitation in a posh paper with golden writing but for example, if Y had asked how I was doing and how was DD doing and why don't we all come to visit her new baby, than I would go.

But she invited my sister who said she had mad plans to see me and could go ONLY if I was invited too, so obviously Y said yes of course. Who would have said, no in this situation?

OP posts:

balancingfigure · 11/07/2013 21:56

I'm not sure this is really about/or matters if you were properly invited. You don't particularly like y so why go and see her?!

Original poster

Dorange · 11/07/2013 22:04

That is your opinion balancingfigure, I respect this but there is nothing on my OP that suggstest I don't like Y.
Also I opened the OP by saying I don't like to tag along since my teens.

OP posts:

Wuxiapian · 11/07/2013 22:10

YANBU. I wouldn't want to go, either - it'd be awkward, I think.

daisychain01 · 11/07/2013 23:10

YANBU i am exactly the same. I am really super sensitive about feeling welcome. Similarly I want to make people feel welcome and special at my house. There was a work friend who I really had the niggly feeling that she didnt like me. I spent a lot of effort - trying too hard probably - trying to be liked. It never worked out, probably my fault for being super sensitive but thats the way I am built! Its just the way it goes. Some folk go with the casual, pop over any time you fancy approach. Nope cant be doing with that!

Turniptwirl · 11/07/2013 23:18

I know what you mean OP

I stay with one friend quite often and do things with her parents but when her and her mum assume I'm invited to her sisters I get slightly worried and force them to at least ask if its ok. Her dsis is l

Turniptwirl · 11/07/2013 23:19

Is lovely btw and always makes me feel welcome when I do go

McGeeDiNozzo · 12/07/2013 04:44

I would go. The invitation counts as a proper one, even if it was only relayed to you by a third party.

I don't think the FB photo 'like' stuff means a great deal, and I don't think you should be reading too much into that.

Original poster

Dorange · 12/07/2013 08:03

huuuuuuum
I have mixed feelings now
it's nice too know that I'm not alone, but I know sometimes I tend to overthink a lot, but I'm super sensitive to people's moods and atmospheres....
But my sister didn't make any effort to reassure me, which makes me feel uncomfortable about going.
Should I ad Y on facebook?
Would be nice to relink...

OP posts:

claudedebussy · 12/07/2013 10:39

how about this:

go and see how you feel. if you feel genuinely welcomed, add her on facebook afterwards. if not, just leave it and chalk it down to your instincts being right.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 12/07/2013 10:54

hmm, I think the point is, is that you had already made an arrangement with your sister, and the day before, she decided that she's got something she'd prefer to do instead. You, very graciously, said you didn't want to do it, but would be ok if she wanted to reschedule with you and go do this. She's cheesed off she hasn't got her way (I see from your OP that "Most of the time, I change my plans to accommodate her, since she is so busy.") but is coming to you anyway as per the original arrangement.

Am not sure why you're feeling guilty really - if your sis had called you up out of the blue & said, "hey, I'm going round to see Y, do you want to come?" would you have said yes then?

If not (and it sounds like the answer might well have been no), why feel guilty about not wanting to go now?

You don't want to go - so don't!

scarletforya · 12/07/2013 10:56

No, don't add her. She seems indifferent to you at best.

I wouldn't go to her house either. Your sister made you look like you're begging to come to her house and she only said yes under sufferance.

Your sister is doing that annoying thing of trying to see two people at once. You fitting in with your sisters plans all the time is giving her the idea that you have nothing better to do.

As I've seen written on here before, never make someone a priority who only makes you an option.

Flibbedyjibbet · 12/07/2013 11:05

I know what you mean about not turning up uninvited but think the manner of this is all ok. She knows you're coming. I've done things like this made arrangements with someone then somebody has suggested a place/activity/venue and I've agreed to go along but said so and so will be with me.

You are overthinking all of it, the facebook adds etc...

Go along, bet you have a nice time.

livinginwonderland · 12/07/2013 11:12

YANBU! I'm exactly the same, I hate being told "Oh, X invited you too!" when X never spoke to me.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 12/07/2013 11:47

"never make someone a priority who only makes you an option." - I like that very much scarlet, thank you for sharing - will be remembering that! x

Original poster

Dorange · 12/07/2013 13:25

I guess I feel guilty because my sister didn't like me asking the terms which I was invited, I don't remember exactly now the word she used when I asked this but was somthing along the lines me being paranoid whereas I was just trying to stabilish why/how I was invited, if I hadn't seeing/heard of Y for such a long time. Sister just brushed my concerns aside and kept her date with me, but I'm wondering if she would rather be with Y. I gave her the option, so its her call. Just hope she doesn't stand me up last minute.

OP posts:

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