DH nights out... Aibu?

[monkeymamma]

DS has, seemingly overnight, morphed from a sunny, chilled, delightful creature into a wailing banshee and refuses, point blank, to bath, nap, have his nappy changed, come inside, go outside, get in his car seat... The list is endless. I don't know if he's ill, if its developmental, or what, but it's so so draining and upsetting. I'm feeling crap anyway due to PMT and exhaustion so, basically what I'm saying is, it's been a tough week.

DH has had nights out: Monday (football, home 10pm), Weds (his evening class - he goes to brush up on his 2nd language which he knows pretty well already - he has been going for 5 years now, home 10pm) and tonight (colleague's birthday drinks). A few months ago (before he started doing football) we had a conversation about him having too many nights away from home and decided that if he needed to go out on a given week (eg work drinks, seeing friends etc) then he would skip his Weds evening class. Since then he's taken up the football too and denies the above conversation ever took place.

When I express frustration at having to do all the tea time/bedtime stuff/loneliness at never seeing him/annoyance that I can't have any nights out myself/the desperate need to talk to another adult (& ideally my co-parent!) after a day if ds-wrangling, he gets angry and says I'm sending him mixed messages because I encouraged the football and works socialising. Well, DH is worried he's put on weight since DS was born and of course me being constantly worried for his health I've said yes of course you must do sport (going for a run/to the gym in the morning or at weekends is seemingly out of the question, Monday night football is the ONLY WAY to prevent fatal diabetes/obesity, apparently). Then he's also said he's worried that he's isolated at work and his career is going down the pan, so he's got me to agree that of course work drinks are essential too. And his evening class is non-negotiable.

Last week was exactly the same pattern (very boozy barbecue at a colleague's house on the Thursday, home at midnight) and I can't see things changing any time soon, other than a short break from the Weds night thing when his evening class takes a four week break then back again afterwards and indefinitely.

So aibu (and terribly controlling/pathetic/horrible) to want to see my dh occasionally? Before Ds was born we both did loads of separate socialising, work stuff, hobbies etc. But things have to be different now we have DS - though only for me so far. And I really feel the need to see him, talk to him about everything that's going on with ds and feel like we're a team. To be honest a bit of a flaming might do me some good right now because I'm feeling sorry for myself to the max which is obviously ridiculous!

I don't think that you are being unreasonable. Do you have nights out? Evening classes? My DH works in the evening and I feel a slave to being in the house after wrangling DS to bed, where as per DC I was going out.

I don't know what the answer is but I would not be happy and would be expecting date nights and an equal amount of time out. Can you get a baby sitter and jo

How old is ur son?

Do not nag your DH any more - think of something YOU want to do, organise a baby sitter (if your DH is out) and go out for yourself - it's what you did before so do it again.

Sorry posted too soon

Can you join him on work night outs?

I would organise yourself two nights out a week at least. Tuesdays do a class, Fridays go to the cinema with friends.

He also can certainly help with tea and bedtime. Classes etc do not need to interfere with that.

He needs to listen to you because you have been saying for months now. Send an email, then he can't deny it.

It may not unreasonable for him to be able to do these things- if (and it's a big if) the same opportunities are available for you.

You seem to hint that they are not- or perhaps you simply don't want them. This would not be unreasonable on your part, as the exhausted mother of a young child. In which case, he should make some effort, drop an activity of his choice, to show willing.

If opportunities to get away, seek adult company, are not available to you, they should be. He is a parent too. And he needs his time, you should be afforded yours.

...and I speak as a geezer.

YANBU repeat YANBU!!

Yip YANBU-get out yourself for 2 nights a week & let him deal with DS. If his attitude doesn't change at least you get some time away-try to get out an evening with friend who you can talk to.

Or, just show him this thread. Ohs don't always realise how hard it is with children & are under the deluded impression that they've done more during a day at work.

If you don't address it & he doesn't change then I would think you'll start to resent him-I know I would. IMO 1-2 nights out each a week is more than ample.

Good luck

YADDNBU!

You deserve equal leisure time to him, and spending time together is important too.

Yes, keeping fit and pursuing his career are important, and ideally he's have time to do these, but things are rarely ideal when looking after very young children. Suggest there will be time to do these things more when the kids are older and less demanding.

His career and physical health are not more important than your mental health.

Thanks for your replies! Unfortunately the classes etc do mean no bedtime help - they are all based in the city where he works (&where we both used to live) so he can't come home beforehand.

I guess the distance is part of the problem really - if I were to book a babysitter and go out, most of my friends are in the city where we lived, and I wouldn't really want to leave DS with a sitter and be so far away. In fairness to dh I have had some nights out lately (probably 3 or 4 since ds was born) and he's always happy to have ds if I want to do stuff on my own. He's very good that way. But if I do, then I don't see dh and that's what's bugging me. I feel more of a need to hang out with him now that we're sharing such a big responsibility, so we can catch up on how we're handling it all. To be honest I feel so lost sometimes - parenting feels full of big decisions and I constantly question how I'm doing it. Also most evenings I am just way too knackered to go out or do a class of any kind - which I know is rubbish of me!

DS is 18 months next week. I miss the lovely him he usually is! We have such a lovely time together normally :-(

Also wouldn't refer to it as 'help'.

are you sure thats what hes doing?? why is it all non negotiable?

Your ds's behaviour would suggest "the terrible twos" has hit early. He will grow out of it.

As for dh, Yanbu but perhaps a different approach is required...if a normal week is only 2 nights out then I think that is ok, the additional work ones seem to be the biggest issues, so maybe ask for ground rules of only 1 a month.

Have you tried suggesting a "date night" to your dh, sounds like you both need to remember you are a couple.as well as parents. Perhaps a joint night out once a fortnight could help? It sounds from.ur posts that him taking over so u can have nights out is.easy but u.r.missing ur husband so maybe date night is the way forward? Alt do.u have family that could have ds for a few hours one Sunday and you & dh have a nice drive out to country pub and a relaxed lunch and a proper adult chat about everything maybe

Good luck

Bran, I'm pretty sure that is what he's doing! Either that or the most boring affair in the world (every weds 6-8.30 for five years!!). We have a great r'ship in all senses but he gets so much out of his time away from the home and I feel really lost without him sometimes. I'm pathetic I know!

I'm not really sure why non-negotiable. Habit really. It's a struggle for him to keep his 2nd language skills going without anyone to practice with. Also he likes the teacher and they lose funding if they don't have enough pupils.

I'm really grateful for all the supportive replies - it's made me a bit tearful truth be told! Blaardy PMT!

I don't know what to advise, except setting a certain day, maybe every other week on a Friday or Tuesday, where you two just spend some time together and have a babysitter have DS for a few hours so you can have some 'us' time.

he needs to move his classes nearer to your home then. Something's got to give!

I think you are a mug to go along with him having shed loads more leisure time than you

I had a really similar issue a few months back and had some great advice.

One of the 'tactics' I used when talking to my DP was about me feeling like I'm being taken for granted. That my life has changed since having dd and yet his hasn't - he still does his gym class two nights a week smack bang in the middle of doing dinner / eating and then putting dd to bed. And that in my head, my pecking order of priority things/people were him, Dd, work and the house (cleaning, bills, washing etc). His priority of things were himself, exercise, food, dd, sex, sleep, work and me.

Our relationship was/is great but there was an 'imbalance' in the partnership.

I offered alternative solutions and stated that it was up to him to make the decision but I was not putting dd to bed 5 nights a week (works late some nights too) due to his gym sessions (sessions he likes to go to with his mates too) and that he had alternatives to consider: different times, weekend mornings, other forms of exercise. i also pointed out that if he can get up at the crack of dawn to do exercise then he can also start getting up with dd in the night which he's never has to do (I was being unreasonable here as he has f/t job compared to my p/t one, but it made him think more and back down on other things).

I'm probably not explaining myself well but I did put it quite clearly that I was unhappy with his social things/exercise and seemingly being selfish when things don't go his way when I wanted him home on certain days. Mentioning the word selfish hit a nerve, and it sounds awful to think that he was selfish but he knew he was putting these things before us.

I offered solutions and he did get defensive initially but could see that I wasn't being unreasonable and saying 'stop doing everything' just 'start thinking of me and dd first'.

Hope you find a solution OP

Is every night out involving alcohol
Do they go to the pub after football?
Do they have a drink after the evening class?

Try to get out more if you can - three or four nights out in 18 months isn't many! If you would like to, that is, it isn't compulsory. But I certainly find, since having dd, I'm not great at arranging nights out, but I really enjoy them when I do make it happen.
It might make you feel better about your dh being out so much too. And I would ask him to cut it down a bit too - 2 nights a week seems reasonable. That is certainly the absolute max I would ask my dh to stay in alone with dd, or he me (most weeks it would be less than that for both of us).

If he gets out of tea and bedtime three nights a week then that has got to change.

Of course you need to spend time with him as well as have your own independent leisure time. Your marriage (or whatever) depends on it. Literally.

Feeling sorry for the teacher of a language class should be well below your (totally reasonable) requests in his order of priorities. And he can speak his second language to your son as practice, and phone his parents etc.

You are defo not BU.

I'm mum to a 6m old who was an atrocious tiny baby and I relied on dh coming home to give me a break. As he's grown a bit and settle a lot, things have got easier though he still goes through phases where he's difficult (teething/developmental/plain awkwardness)
Some days Today DH walks in the door and I almost cannot wait to hand DS over to give my arms a break from holding him and my ears a break from the whiny crying

It's plain and simple - whether it's a difficult time or a relatively easy time with your DS, you should have the support of your DH. I'm not saying he shouldn't get to continue his interests but surely they should be in moderation. 3 nights out a week sounds a bit OTT IMO, and he should want to be at home to help with bed time and then spend time with you.

From what you've said he's being a little controlling - getting his own way while trying to convince you that his activities were pushed by you.

You get to go out once every 6 months and he's out at least 3 times a week?

Tell him 'no'. Tell him at least one thing is going. He's to make time for his family and you and make time so you can have time to recharge and do something you enjoy as well.

You will come to resent his very selfish behaviour in the long run. Then the love and respect starts to ebb away and before you know it, you're living with some grumpy old fart that you can't stand.

EXACTLY what YouTheCat said.

He's taking the piss. You are making excuses for him. Why does your life have to change, and yet his just carries on regardless? He wanted the baby as well, did he not?

My DH choosing to be out three nights a week every week would make me feel terribly sad, as if he wasn't interested in spending time with me.
YANBU at all.