To not want this girl around my DS

[AnneNonimous]

I apologise if this is a long one

DS is 15 months. A while ago when he was around 5 months and we were still living with my parents and brother (who is 19),my brother started seeing a girl. From the start me and my family thought she was bad news. She would often come over smelling very strongly of weed and try to smoke it in my mums garden. She would have huge shouty sweary arguments with people on the phone infront of us all - sometimes when we were eating dinner.

She has a son around the same age of DS who lives with a foster mother and she is only allowed to see him once a month. I'd like to make it clear I am not judging her on this alone, I understand more than most people what it can be like to be at a bad place in your life. What gets to me is that she has told us that it is because her ex partner was abusive. Now, and I'm willing to be corrected, but as I understand it this is not how it works. If your partner has been abusive to you your children aren't just taken off of you and you only get to see them once a month?

Another thing that didn't sit right with me is she added my mum as a friend on Facebook (I declined her request to me) and went through all of her pictures 'liking' or commenting on every picture of DS, right back to the ones when he was just born. And my mum has lots of them!

My brother stopped seeing this girl but recently he has been bringing her to my mums house again. Me and DS don't live there anymore but sometimes stay there. Last time we did my brother had her to stay without telling anyone she would be there.

AIBU to not really want her around me or DS? Something just doesn't sit right with me about her.

Doesn't sound like the nicest person on the planet that's for sure, but I am not sure what you feel the risk is to you or your son? You don't want her around your son because you fear that she...?

Even a DV victim has a responsibility to protect her children and ss can intervene if mother remains with violent partner and child is at risk.

That said, you're not asking her to babysit, so I'm not sure what you're expecting to happen.

It sounds strange that she is only allowed contact with he child once a month, that doesn't sound right.

Is there any way you can find out if your child might be at risk from her?

It doesn't sound strange.

I used to work in an area where these sort of things came up. The daughter of one of my clients had had her baby taken away temporarily as there was a suspicion of abuse. Basically it was her ex partner but the court had to establish it formally and the baby was placed in foster care and only supervised contact allowed until it had been properly investigated and her exonerated (which she was)

hecsy well I guess that's my point really, I don't know whether I need to be concerned or not. If she has lied about why she can't see her son she must be hiding something, and if so what?

I obviously would never leave my son with her so technically there's not a huge risk but the whole thing just makes me uncomfortable.

Sorry Jengnr I wasn't so clear, she has told us that it was because her partner was abusive to her, not the baby.

As someone above says, ss will remove children from mum if she continues with an abusive relationship esp if a court order saying the abuser is not to be present at the place of residence and is found there during a spot check (happened to my exh nephew and girlfriend so know first hand). In these cases ss will prevent regular contact if mum still proves to be in contact with the abuser. All contact in these cases is thru supervised contact centres and IME usually leads to permanent removal of the child and mum's parental rights.

She may not have caused actual harm but I would guess she has failed to protect her child in the eyes of ss.

You have to put ur child first, if something feels off it probably is, a mother's instinct is rarely wrong.

Hth

It's impossible to know. I always thought that only happened if the mother wasn't willing or able to leave the man and social services decided that she couldn't keep the children safe while in an abusive relationship or maybe she just wasn't able to care for them for whatever reason. But there is likely to be a lot more going on that you just don't know about - and why would you? She isn't going to confide the ins and outs to you.

If you're not going to leave your son unattended in her company then you don't have anything to worry about even if she herself was a risk, which you don't know. you don't have to be her friend, you just have to be civil when your paths cross and keep an open mind and wait and see.

It's always totally your choice who has contact with your DS and who doesn't. So, no YANBU.

From my pov, swearing and drug use are big red flags about who I let near my DCs.

From your description, it appears that she is missing her own son very much and, perhaps, is just feeling lonely and wanting to be involved with a family.

Others may be able to comment in more depth, but I have known a few young women who have had their DCs taken from them. I came into contact with them through an organisation I used to volunteer with.

If your brother is 19, I assume this girl is a similar, or younger, age. It is relatively easy - and DOES happen - for young and/or less educated women in, shall I say, less than ideal living circumstances to be over awed or even threatened by social services.

This girl may well have had a rather chaotic home life and, despite her best intentions and putting in a lot of effort, social services - or the SS, a very appropriate acronym - have decided that her DS is better off with foster parents.

The girl may or may not agree with this assessment - I'm guessing not. But sometimes it's best just to go along with Social Services for the time being and get at least SOME access to your DCs rather than argue with them and get no access at all.

On the other hand, she may just be a complete b**ch that doesn't care about her DS and that is why he is with foster parents.

I'm just trying to give some possible background to her behaviour so that you're not too weirded out by it.

At the end of the day, you and your DH/DP are the only ones who should decide who does or does not have any access to your DS and you don't need to give any reasons.

But, she is probably missing her own DS an incredible amount so, please, don't be too rude to her.

Jengnr, but would contact be only once a month, there used to be a mother who used to have contact with her son at a contact centre but it was fortnightly under supervised oncditions. Once a month seems very extreme to me.

I tend to believe in trusting your instincts when it comes to your DCs and who they should be exposed too. If you don't feel comfortable with this woman being around your DS, then you are entirely right to keep her away from him. If this means you have to be clear to your mum that if she is expected, you'd like to know as you won't be bringing DS over, then that's fine. If she turns up when you are there, leave.

If you want to give a reason, don't mention her child, I'd just say "she's really not the sort of person I want DS exposed too, especially now he's picking up so many words and much more aware of what's going on around him".

It's ok to just decide that someone isn't the sort of person you dont want in your DCs life without needing absolute proof they are a major danger, she could just not be a good example. However, without a clear reason that she's a danger, then the onus is on you to remove yourself and your DS, not to tell your mother or brother to remove her.