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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel like im losing friends being a sahm?

16 replies

muddyprints · 11/07/2013 14:44

im a sahm with 2 dds, no family help with childcare.
3 closest friends (15 years plus) all work, mostly free childcare while they work and evenings too, so obviously a lot more disposable income.

aibu to feel sad they arrange expensive days out a long way away which I cant afford to do. they basically told me to save up for it, which I could but the amount spent was ridiculous for just me to meet my friends. they talk about it being nice to treat themselves, fair enough, but I feel a bit judged, maybe they have moved on from me.

OP posts:

Mumsyblouse · 11/07/2013 16:05

Muddyprints- do they always pick expensive days out, or was it the one event that has caused you to feel this? One off, it's lovely to be able to treat yourself, but if that's the only way they socialise, that's an issue. Do you call/text/email/meet up for cheap occasions/round each others houses too? is there one of them you are closer to the rest? Sometimes groups do move on, but if you are good friends with one or two of them, I would try to seek out occasions to meet them in affordable ways and not worry about the big events. If you think they are genuinely trying to exclude you, that's a bit different.

Boomba · 11/07/2013 16:09

Why don't you arrange something you can afford?

OrangeLily · 11/07/2013 16:22

Or have you moved on from them? You have all made career choices here that either allow you or don't allow you to do certain things.

trackies · 11/07/2013 17:07

OP, my BF is still single and works. I can no longer to go on regular hols with her as now SAHM, but we meet up every other month for a meal and catchup. I organise it. Could you do something like this ? Do you want to see them or feel that you no longer have anything in common ?

Original poster

muddyprints · 13/07/2013 08:21

I still see 2 of them separately which I organise at houses,parks with kids in tow.
its the times we all used to meet at a pub/restaurant without kids which have now been replaced with days together that are unaffordable or just overpriced imo. last 2 times they have met without me, I was invited but price too much.
I still want to see them but when we are all together I do feel out of it.

OP posts:

Original poster

muddyprints · 13/07/2013 08:23

also, they let me down a lot, we arrange to meet and then last minute they cancel.
just feeling like Im losing my friends.

OP posts:

CaptainSweatPants · 13/07/2013 08:38

Could you make new friends with other mums?

Whothefuckfarted · 13/07/2013 09:25

I agree, make new friends.

fancyanother · 13/07/2013 09:30

I never meet my child free friends with kids in tow! I just assume it would be too irritating for them. I don't see them as often, but the time is more quality than it would be if I was running round after my toddlers the whole time. Maybe they feel you have moved on from them, and would like to spend time with just you and not the kids?

PoppyWearer · 13/07/2013 09:33

Are your children at school yet? Starting school is a great time to make some new friends - I was sceptical and didn't really think I needed any new friends when my DD started school last Sept but am really happy about some of the new friends I've now made.

Mia4 · 13/07/2013 09:38

What about a BBQ with them all OP? Please speak to them about it, don't just let this fester-arrange for coffee or have them over.

When you say they cancel do they all, or just 1 or 2? Because it's very very hard sometimes to get all friends together at once, often with my friends it's rare to get all together unless a party or special occasion. Often i find myself meeting one or two instead and they find the same.

Do they have less time to meet? Because it sounds like they can't meet during the day, while you may be able and you can't meet where they want to due to income. You may be in different places but you need to talk about it.

Original poster

muddyprints · 14/07/2013 21:29

fancyanother, none are childfree, if we meet in the day we all have kids with us, im happy to meet in evenings childfree but where I was happy with dinner/drinks, they now meet for expensive days (that need childcare too).
im going to ask them all to go out for dinner and hopefully they will do that aswell.
I have some new friends but feel pushed away from my closest friends.

OP posts:

babyhmummy01 · 14/07/2013 21:56

I doubt they mean to have offended you hun, it probably just doesn't occur to them as they have made different choices to you regarding working v staying home.

I have been off work for most of pg due to one thing and another and have felt very isolated as i am on SSP so getting bugger all and desperately worried about finding the next rent payment so when my mates are meeting up for drinks on a saturday i am having to say no as i can't afford the petrol to drive into town let alone the price of cola in a pub so i do understand where you are coming from. I am also not able to go back to work after maternity due to lack of affordable childcare and DP's irregular shift pattern so it isn't going to get any easier either.

Talk to your friends in an 'i know its not done deliberately but i am feeling very left out because of the cost of some of the meet ups arranged lately, could we perhaps arrange something slightly more within my price range next month' kind of way and then suggest you arrange it so you can reign in the cost of it. I am sure they will be mortified to realise that you feel this way!

scarlettsmummy2 · 14/07/2013 23:22

What kind of things are they doing for a day away? Why are they so expensive?

Original poster

muddyprints · 16/07/2013 13:50

going to suggest some cheaper meetups. they aren't trying to be mean, im always invited, they just have the money to splash out and I dont

OP posts:

Squitten · 16/07/2013 13:57

I'm in a similar position with my two closest friends. I see a lot less of them now that I'm a SAHM and neither of them have kids. I was initially quite hurt when I realised that they were meeting up much more regularly together and not even inviting me but I think I'm just temporarily in a different life stage to them. One of my friends is getting married next year and the other is already married and having conception troubles so we all just have a lot going on. I think once they both have families, we'll all feel a bit more back on the same page.

I think you have to take the initiative a little bit and offer some activities that you can do. I arrange cinema trips out and shopping trips rather than nights out in bars and they're fine with that. As you say, it's not spite, just different priorities!

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