to be upset when people use the phrase "got something wrong with them"?

[14thJuly]

(Obvious name change as I know how SN threads go.)
Even though I have very little experience of SN, I am always aghast at the use of the word "wrong". Surely anyone can see the inappropriateness of the terminology? I have gently suggested using another phrase to someone IRL, and was accused of PC behaviour. So I don't bother saying it anymore. A tiny bit of consideration and compassion isn't difficult is it? AIBU?

I'm normally the first to jump at disablist language, but this is one instance where I think it isn't disablist.

I thought there was something 'wrong' with my DD1 long before anyone else would take me seriously.

I think there's something 'wrong' with my DD2. I'm at the stage with her that no-one is taking me seriously, but because I've been there in the past with DD1 and time is on my side, I'm willing to wait.

It is very hard to be in a place where you know there is something that needs addressing in your child, but everyone else is so busy telling you how wonderful they are and that you should 'just enjoy them'. It's even harder to say 'I think she's got SN' because people then think you are neurotic.

'something wrong' is actually accurate - something, as yet unknown, that isn't quite 'typical'.

If people ask me what DD1's SN are, I can't tell them. All I know (and indeed, all the doctors know) is that there is 'something wrong' with her brain, which shows on an MRI scan, but nobody knows why it is the way it is, or which part of it causes the needs she has.

Buffy I think most decent kind people do try their best to not use offensive language. So pretty much everyone (all?) who had used 'what's wrong with him' (and there have been quite a number over the years) have apologised for doing so, they just haven't known how to express themselves.

The sweary shouty crew are in the minority and are not kind or decent, so probably don't care less. I used to want to educate them, not I just want an exclusion zone around us that they cannot cross.

"If she is noisy then ask her to shut up and wait. You know, like other kids"

Are you joking?!? I wouldn't bloody dare tell any child I even suspected of having additional needs to shut up! Can you imagine the reaction on here if I posted that I just told a disabled child to shut up? Bet you would be first in line to report me!

Threads like this just make me avoid anybody disabled for fear of offending someone, surely that is creating stigma? I had no idea handicapped was not used any more til I read this.

Im always aware my children might ask someone "why is she dribbling?" or "why does he look funny?" so I keep them well away to avoid a scene, which seems a shame.

"They just swear at him or say he shouldn't be allowed out, or stare or shout or whatever"

If there are really people who do this then why not focus your anger on them rather than people who innocently use unfashionable terminology?

Er I didn't direct any anger towards people who use 'unfashionable' terminology. Maybe try reading what I actually wrote, rather than going off on a rant. I actually said Usually people apologise as they say it and say they don't know how to ask and they hope I'm not offended, in which case I'm not. They're genuinely interested and just being crap with words. I just answer the question. which is the opposite of focusing anger on people who are stumbling over words. I said the same thing in two different posts.

And there's no need to keep your children away from those with disabilities fgs, my younger two (NT) spend a lot of time around people with disabilities and have managed not to offend anyone to date. It's not that hard.

Now the person who told ds1 to fuck off recently can do one, and I screamed back at the last person to scream at him, but as I said above (twice) if people are being just crap with word I answer the question (ie I explain what's 'wrong' with him).

And ha ha ha at your If there are really people who do this

I'm not making it up FGS.

people are generally well meaning so I answer the question & tend to pitch my answer to the audience.

But actually there is nothing "wrong" with my child, he is perfect, disabled but perfect.

jimjams, I wasn't replying to you in particular, I just used your quote. Sorry. Of course I believe you, I am just shocked

TBH most people we meet are either quietly huffy and sighy and starey (so I just ignore them - I call them the lemon sucking brigade) or actually quite nice - even if they can be clumsy & not always get it right. The outwardly aggressive ones are rare, but of course they tend to stay in your memories!

I do think if you approach anyone with a smile and look friendly no-one is going to react badly if your language isn't up to date. I personally know I can stumble over the whole blind/vision impaired deaf/hearing impaired terminology but I just apologise if I'm getting it wrong.

I think the biggest problems I had were in the early days when I felt I had to educate the huffy, puffy starey lot. Or I wanted to educate them as I felt I could change them. When I stopped caring about what they thought I found the huffing and puffing quite easy to ignore.

Now I do save my anger for the aggressive ones, rather than the passive-aggressive ones, but I've never been angry towards well meaning but clumsy people tbh.

And tbh I find kids either don't notice in ds1's case, or they're absolutely fascinated. There's a girl in ds3's class (so year 3) who is mesmerised by ds1. She follows him round and asks me loads of questions. This is absolutely fine, it's not a problem at all. I like it, she is genuinely interested.

I do get cross when teenagers either stare or copy ds1's noises, but teenagers really are old enough to know they shouldn't be doing that. Teens are often quite bad for that - it is very very common for them to stare (less common to copy the noises, but it happens). I have found them far more likely to stare than younger kids. So I guess I would just say to people do have a word with your teenagers to make sure they know not to do it.

I think people do this about anything that differs from the 'norm', not just about SN. I'm young, and use a wheelchair or a stick. Apparently, that makes me a great person to have a conversation with, so you can ask three minutes in, "So what's wrong with you then?". Some people are well meaning, some people are twats.

Like other posters have said, I think it's context. People asking because they want to better their understanding of the world is one thing. People asking because they're just fucking nosy is another

I don't favour 'additional needs' over special needs either.

I remember someone asking me 'what's he got then?' I did laugh though, because I knew she said that because she didn't want to say 'whats wrong with him' she meant well and was trying not to be rude, but ended up sounding just as bad she was a nice woman though and was trying to show interest so it was all fine in the end.

Hang on a sec ... Think about the disability haters. You know, the ones who believe every disabled individual's a scrounging, lazy cheat. What's the first thing they say? "There's nothing wrong with them! Not "They don't have additional needs" (what does that even mean? I need a holiday, but that's not why the government gives me money,) but "Wrong with". It's fine by me; I don't mind telling people what's wrong with me if necessary. I sometimes need help or consideration, beyond what a normally fit person requires. When I fall over in the middle of the road, I really don't expect people rushing to my aid to ask "Do you have - umm, any different-from-average abilities?" for fuck's sake. "What's wrong, are you all right?" is good. Very good. Thanks for asking :)

Oh, lordy, I've got AndAnotherThing-itis now ... When my friend goes all vacant-eyed and staggers around, someone might ask "What's wrong with him?" in a not-very-nice way, perhaps assuming friend's inappropriately pissed. "He's got multiple sclerosis" is a very good answer, being the truth, and generally elicits lots of apologetic assistance. This is also good.

It doesn't actually really bother me.

Saying 'not normal' feels worse.

Depends on the person's intention of course.

What does piss me off is all the snidey 'can't say anything','PC gorn mad' comments chucked into the thread by people without kids with SN.

If ever there was a "oh just fuck off" needed then it is to those comments.

As someone who has been labelled to death by various people including but not limited to my own parents, I hate all these semantic battles over whatever it is about me or others that is different.

While ten percent of us bicker over what word to use, the other ninety percent think our disabilities don't exist. Let's fight those guys instead.

"Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it AS? Is it OCD? Is it ADD? Is it TS? Is it PDD-NOS? Is it CP?"

Oh but I'm so tiiiiired of all the speculation and all the acronyms. Let's just call it NeedsBlob and have done with it! I've got NeedsBlob, mum! I honestly don't want to go up to people and give them the whole shebang, every bloody time, about my cerebrofollicular dysphosphoroplegia with comorbid Alan J. Morrison disease and FTPSQ, which results in additional needs around global cognito-logo-kinetico-processing needs, or, because obviously all of that was bullshit, whatever it is I've actually got. It's too complicated. I've defaulted to "Yes, I'm wonky, let's move on".

It's a semantic minefield for you and it's just tedious and exhausting for us.

In the end, the thing about us folk with NeedsBlob is that like everyone else, we have to live life. And that means dealing with people who say "Er what are you a bit quirky have you got a limp oi there's something wrong with 'im" in a way that is going to make our lives as easy as possible. No amount of possibly-faux-sensitive terminological manoeuvring is going to insulate us from the lives we have to live.

If giving in to that pressure to make my own life easier and NOT saying "it's differently-abled, actually"... if that makes me a coward and a quitter and a not-fighter-of-the-good-fight, then fine.

There is real ignorance out there and this is not it.

Exactly!

People ask me what DD1's 'diagnosis'is, trying to avoid saying 'what's wrong with her, then?' I then seem obstructive when I say 'I don't know' or 'she's got a squiffy brain' or 'she's got a brain malformation'.

The truth is that nobody knows. SN don't come in neat packages.

I'd rather someone asked me what is wrong, than give me some twee statement about how perfectly normal she is

Of course there are many times when asking the question "what's wrong" would be absolutely rude and intrusive even for the types of disabilities that you (=the disabled person and their family) think arewrong.

Staring at a person who looks different and asking intrusive questions you don't really need to know the answer to is always going to be offensive.

But the person who tells my dc that they are not disabled but just differently abled is being just as rude and intrusive imho, because they are doing the same thing: treating the disabled person as if they were an object they can impose their own views on, rather than as a person to be listened to.

Ds told me (many years later) that the day he got his diagnosis was "the worst feeling there is". He has a right to that opinion too; it is his body and his life. It is not my job, or anybody else's, to tell him what to think and feel about his body.

And from his pov one of the worst things that could happen would be that his friends were afraid to talk to him because they were worried about saying the wrong thing.

haha to GoodTouch avoiding talking to disabled people and their carers in case s/he says 'the wrong thing' about their disability.

how about just talking to them about the same sorts of things you'd talk to anyone else about? you don't need to have start up a personal conversation about someone's disability with them (or even worse, start it up with their carer!)

Talk about the weather, or what you're doing, or whatever else you talk to strangers about!

Agree with the RealFellatio on this one. Can't win with this thread especially if dont have a dc with disabilities or needs.

But think we have come very far since the 70s when I went to school with TMRs- Trainable Mentally Retarded kids... Really.

I think the concern about using the term 'wrong' pales in comparison.

Yes..you can't win..that's why people have been having a reasonable and polite debate..

Except for those posters who keep posting things like "can't win on this thread".

Very goady thing to say IMO

Well ... I have disabled family members (and friends) who still refer to themselves as (and call each other) spastics. Some also have learning difficulties and wouldn't give a stuff if someone explained it to their kids as 'something wrong', because there clearly IS something wrong! But then they have a very good sense of humour and are not easily offended They would hate someone tiptoeing around using super PC language about them - they would find it veerrrrrrry patronising ....

Yes to what Cory just said.

The thing about the woman in the lift asking, 'whats wrong with him?' was just rude, it was the way she said it, and the fact that actually she didn't need to say anything.

Those saying, that 'you can't win' and that they don't talk to disabled people for fear of offending them, and it is pc gorn mad etc etc, somehow I manage to have converstations with tons of people, old and young, about ds without people coming across as rude and insensitive.