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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stay the Hell away from this "night out"

38 replies

maidmarian2012 · 10/07/2013 18:48

A close friend of DP has a significant birthday coming up. All well and good, they are nice people, lovely kids. We have been invited to a restaurant for a meal.

Unfortunately, there are a few more people going. Including a couple who have just got together after him viciously (headbutting several times and full-on punching) assaulting her. He is a binge drinker. Their 3 year old DS saw it.

I cannot possibly sit there with that couple. DV is a subject very close to my heart, XP was a violent bully.

My friends have annoyed me, how can you paper over the cracks on this??
How the Hell can they forgive him?

I'm just going to descend into a rant if I carry on.
BTW DP is equally disgusted, think we may pass on this, maybe do something else to mark our friends birthday?

OP posts:

SallyCinnamon1 · 10/07/2013 19:59

or he will take it out on her later

Original poster

maidmarian2012 · 10/07/2013 20:02

Tondelayo yes, she does go socialising without him, thankfully. She is so pretty, she could have a lovely chap who would make her feel safe, but no, she's with this bastard

OP posts:

ThingummyBob · 10/07/2013 20:04

I agree not to do anything to rile him.

However I'd make sure he knew I cared about her by staying close as a friend to her.

I'd probably as charming as necessary to him, but to me, having lived through abuse, the last thing I would do is not go.

scoobydooagain · 10/07/2013 20:07

Please go, a sure fire way of her not leaving him is by his behviour isolating her. She will be incapable of leaving him if her self-esteem is in her boots. Next argument "you are such a useless bitch etc. maidmarian couldn't even stand to be in the same room as you"

Original poster

maidmarian2012 · 10/07/2013 20:27

Yes scooby men like that can twist things can't they. This is such a mess.

OP posts:

SplitHeadGirl · 10/07/2013 20:43

I wouldn't go. I couldn't trust myself to remain civil and I would be worried then that he would take it out on her. HATE men like that!!!

scoobydooagain · 10/07/2013 20:48

Split it would be better for her for you to support her - just by being there no need to say anything- than by you hating him

SplitHeadGirl · 10/07/2013 20:55

Scooby I have just read the thread (posted before looking ) and I think I have changed my mind. I didn't think about her feeling and being isolated. Yes...I would shoot my hatred towards him like a tongue from a dart frog!!!! Sickening little shit that he is!! I hate men who hurt women so much.

DrCoconut · 10/07/2013 22:38

Having experienced DV my first concern on reading this thread was that if he is confronted about his behaviour he will possibly/ probably take it out on his partner later on, especially if drink is involved. My ex was awful if anyone didn't basically worship the ground he walked on and I dreaded everyone going if something had been said that would anger him. The normal rules don't apply in these situations. I'd say keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

CloudsAndTrees · 10/07/2013 23:04

Only read OPs posts, and they make it sound like the friends may not have completely forgotten, but that they could be choosing to ignore it.

If people decide to stop talking to him it will escalate the problem and lead to some kind of confrontation. The guy sounds like a twat, but one that I wouldn't want to upset. And more to the point, their friend is choosing to be with him despite what he's done. There's nothing to say she wouldn't continue to choose him even if all her friends stopped being around him, so it would do no good anyway.

I think you probably feel so strongly about this because of what you have dealt with.

Hissy · 10/07/2013 23:17

I personally wouldn't be able to go, but that's cos it'd trigger too much in me, I fear.

Why not decline, but say you fancy a girly thing sometime with the 3 of you girls only?

McGeeDiNozzo · 11/07/2013 05:59

It depends on how you feel. If you are totally unable to keep your composure around this man for the reasons you've stated, then don't go. You have a very good reason not to go.

That said, people make valid points here about not isolating the victim, which is a good reason to turn up anyway.

Personally I don't think I'd be able to go, as I'd be unable to hold off on calling him out on his shit.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 11/07/2013 08:15

I absolutely would not go.

Partly because of your own experience. But mostly because while I understand those who say you should go to support your friend, so that she is not isolated, because of his drinking and previous behaviour, there is more likelihood than not, I think, of something happening if you can't all behave like nothing has happened. Behaving as if he is a decent normal human is condoning his actions. If several people ignore him or blank him or even say something, it may kick off then and there or, more likely, he will take it out on her afterwards.

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