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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my 6yo to be grateful?

13 replies

nicknamegame · 09/07/2013 12:42

Ok before I start, I know I probably am being u, but I am feeling annoyed today!

My dd turned 6 last month and its like a switch has flicked in her and she is being difficult.

I never ever seem to make her happy. Literally everything I do for her will be followed up by a complaint of some sort and everything I do seems to fall short of her expectations. The thing that seems to have tipped me over the edge today was probably nothing but....arrghhh!
I was called into work at the last minute, which meant she would have to miss her dancing class and go to her CM. I knew she wouldn't be happy when I told her this morn and was dreading telling her as I knew I would 'get it' tantrum wise. She didn't handle it too badly much to my surprise although she moaned a lot- which I expected and understood as she does like the class. I felt bad after leaving her at school and made some calls, jigged a few things around and managed to get the after school club to collect her after dancing. I have just now gone to her school with her dance kit and expected her to be delighted. No, she threw a fit of moaning and wailing about how she didn't want to go to after school club after dancing.....I explained that this option meant she would get to dance, but it wasn't any better in DD's eyes and I got a barrage of crap about how 'it wasn't fair'.

You know what I did? I walked away from her on the playground....just left her there without sayinng goodbye. I just felt like crumbling because this is one thing a LONG line of ways I fail to make my child happy. I am a LP, she has a loving father who I don't think she is like this for....but Christ almighty I feel worn down by her at the minute.

She is entertained almost constantly, has friend around a lot, does 3 activities a week, etc but even while all this is going on....dd will still be hanging off my neck wanting me to play with her or focus on her. She has also recently developed this habit of 'making' me promise that I will deliver something....even ridiculous things like being given a biscuit of certain variety. If I then go to the cupboards and there isn't one left, she feels entitled to have an almighty meltdown because 'I promised'. It's like she is getting 'insurance' from me every minute of the day.....so tiring. This morning alone I failed to deliver on 4 apparent promises and am not a good mummy.

Are 6 year olds capable of being grateful? Are my expectations of my dd too high? I feel like she is turning into a spoiled girl and I know this sounds pathetic but I am with my child almost constantly and it's never enough for her....she even barges into the toilet when I'm on it and sits on me when I'm eating. She is intense - and always has been, and while I could live with that, this constant moaning about my failings has me feeling like crap

OP posts:

LimeLeaffLizard · 09/07/2013 12:59

Can I make you a ? You sound like you need one!

I think 6 year olds are capable of being grateful... occasionally! YABU to expect it though, as ime they aren't grateful most of the time.

You ask if your expectations of her are too high... well I wonder if your expectations of yourself are too high. You can't make her happy all the time, and in fact none of us are happy all the time. She has to learn to be a decent person, who can cope with all the ups and downs of life, and this starts with accepting that sometimes our favourite biscuit isn't in the cupboard.

zulubump · 09/07/2013 13:48

nicknamegame, sounds like you are trying really hard to be a good mum. And you are one! I think you need to give yourself a break and tell her when enough is enough. My dd is 5, not far off 6. Kids can easily take and take without a thought to us. That's just the way they are at this age I guess, but it doesn't mean we can't point out to them when they are being unreasonable and ungrateful and let them know we expect better behaviour. Recently I've fed up with the general ungratefulness at meal times - messing around with feed, this is yuk! etc. I think they need to know it's upsetting to me when I've spent time trying to prepare them a healthy meal that they will like. A couple of times I've sent them to their rooms and then made them apologise.

Agree with poster above that we can't make our children happy all the time. Part of educating them is teaching them to deal with disappointment and to think of other peoples' feelings. And that includes our own!

daisychain01 · 09/07/2013 13:57

Nickname, children of her age and older have moments of being unselfish, but generally they only see the world in a bubble in which they are the centre of the bubble and everyone else floating around them 'just there' to do what they need, and other people's needs, wants, and challenges are completely off the child's radar. This does not mean the child is bad, they are just being a child!

From an adult perspective that seems selfish but that's because the child is only able to calibrate their experiences according to "what can other people give me/do for me/help me with?" It is all about Me, me,me.

Sadly, you are at the heart of that, because you want your DD to be happy and do everything in your power to make her happy. Something I have learned is to accept that lowering my own expectations about what I can reasonably do for my DS has meant it has also made his expectations more realistic. He has now learned that not everything is possible and sometimes plans must change "thats life". Your DD is a bit younger than my DS but if you start to make subtle changes so you dont put excessive pressure on yourself to deliver the earth, you will find, notwithstanding some tantrums along the way, things will gradually improve!

valiumredhead · 09/07/2013 14:01

Is she doing too much ? Ds gets very demanding when he's tired even at 12. Is it worse atm, possibly because it's nearing the end of term?

valiumredhead · 09/07/2013 14:02

Agree with others that wee can't make our kids happy all the time.

valiumredhead · 09/07/2013 14:02

We not wee

StillInBigKnickers · 09/07/2013 14:05

She sounds like she craves certainty/routine/definites - so it wasn't going to after school club, but the change of (an already changed) plan that did it? That + saying she needs to be with you - not friends, occupied with toys etc. Do you do any one-on-one activities together, no distractions? You have a bloody hard job being LP, hats off, there will always be something you feel you could do better or differently - it's a six year olds prerogative to be centre of the universe! But I think aiming for your DD to express herself more calmly rather than 'be grateful' might be a more attainable goal? Look into breathing techniques, have a quiet space she can go and cool off, maybe if she starts a tantrum - say 'I will leave you for exactly two minutes, then I expect you to speak to me properly'. Don't engage or go head to head - let her show her respect for your authority and give her a chance to wind herself down a bit when she's fraught. Just some ideas - a stiff for you is probably step one though! :)

needaholidaynow · 09/07/2013 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ovenbun · 09/07/2013 14:26

I went through a stage like this withh my niece..when we went out she seemed to always focus on the not so great stuff...we had to queue for a ride/the car is hot etc rather than wow we are at a zoo!..we started a 'lucky' notebook...and at the end of each day we would say we are lucky because... id say things like oh i really must remember to say thank you for grandad for growing those beautiful strawberries etc..and she started to come up with examples 'thank you to the man who showed us the animals'...etc I'm not sure if the stage would have just passed anyway but it did make it a bit easier for me to cope with when on the way home from days out she started talking about the best bits of the day not the worst :)

3rdnparty · 09/07/2013 14:51

ds is 8 and still not really getting teh grateful thing and I'm a bit loathe to push it as my mum was all about us being grateful...
however it is hot, she will be knackered these last couple of weeks of term are a killer..

cut yourself and her some slack ....ds is an only and intense and I really recognise the examples - but he has learnt not to argue the toss about biscuits etc I have done the send to room thing, also a bit of distraction like when he was a toddler.also the are you thirsty/hungry/tired checklist...love oven buns idea of a lucky/goody book...also sticker chart?? rewarding the good behaviour ....

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 09/07/2013 14:58

OP I actually wonder if your expectations are too low rather than too high. She should be able to deal with adverse consequences by this age and tantrums should be getting less, not more I think?

How is she getting these promises out of you?! Promising a particular biscuit for example is recipe for disaster, as you have found out. "No, DD, I can't promise you that. You can have whichever biscuit is in the cupboard. And if I hear any moaning about it, you can have no biscuit. Those are your choices."

Would that work? It worked (still works!) on my two - but I am aware that children are different.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 09/07/2013 15:13

Works well for bedtime too.

Me - "DDs, it's time for bed in 10 minutes"
DD1 - "But Muuuuum I just want to [insert five million random things]"
DD2 - "Nooooooooooooo No No!!"
Me - "Well ok, then you can go to bed Right. Now. Your choice."
DD1 & DD2 - silence

Works every time

babyhmummy01 · 09/07/2013 15:34

Nickname I think I would have done the same regarding walking out the playground too. If ur relationship with her dad is good then talk to him, you need a consensus on how you deal with it all. As a step parent I have learnt fast that behaviour is very often mirrored at both parents even if 1 chooses to ignore it.

Needaholiday we would be flamed huni

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