I think DH overreacted with DD by getting physical. AIBU to bring this up with him?

[Overreactionornot]

I'm lying awake replaying an incident from today over in my head and would like opinions on whether I would be reasonable to bring it up again with DH or whether I should let it go. Sorry this is long but I wanted to give you the whole picture.

Today DH, DD1 (4), DD2 (1) and I were having dinner in a local cafe. I had been out with the kids since lunch and DH joined us at the cafe (he'd been doing jobs at home, not working today). DD1 had been snacking all afternoon (DH didn't know this). She woke last night with a temp (so tired), today ok but something not right with her. Obviously it's hot!

It's about 5.45pm. We've been having a lovely time chatting etc. Food arrives. DD1 less than enthusiastic about tucking in. After a few bites, she put her head to the side on a cushion (she and DH were sitting next to each other on a sofa) saying she's tired. DH tells her to sit up. She doesn't move and again complains she's tired. I intervene saying "why does she have to sit up" - unhelpful I know but I could see where this was going. DH says something about digesting her food. He pulls her by the arm to sit her up and whispers angrily in her ear about sitting up when asked. She starts crying. I tell DH to cool it. He tells me to shut up. I say that's totally out of order. DD1 (head back on the cushion) cries for a few minutes asking me for a cuddle. I don't want to undermine DH any more than I have so don't do that but speak to her encouragingly, as does DH (having calmed down a bit). She stops crying, eats about a third of her food and we carry on with the meal.

On the way home, unprompted, DH apologies to me for telling me to shut up. I suggest he should apologise to DD1 too for pulling her arm. He first says he didn't, then acknowledges that he did but says I'm overreacting. I say fine. Nothing more is said about it.

I think the reason it's on my mind is that I think DD1 might not be well so I think he was being over the top in expecting her to sit up. Also I think that whilst we have both been physical with her in the past (NOT smacking but e.g. Holding her down to strap her into the car seat) that was a while ago and I don't think it's on really putting our hands on her in that way. What I would like is an acknowledgement from him that that was a less than ideal way of dealing with the situation. On the other hand, it is now in the past and I've already made my feelings known. Is there any point in making an issue out of one parenting error - I know I make many and you can't forensically examine each one. Just have to resolve to do better next time.

So what do you think. AIBU to bring this incident up again or should I just let it go? Please be gentle - my first post!

I think you worry too much :)

Me, I'm big on sitting nicely at the table. I never used to let them get down from the table (even to go to the loo, following some startling bad manners from DD) I don't allow phones or anything other than eating and making conversation. And you know, 4 is easily old enough to understand that. It makes mealtimes much more enjoyable all round. So I get your DH's irritation completely.

Arm-yanking isn't great of course. But it's really not a biggy.

It doesn't sound as though either of you handled it particularly well to begin with, but you both came through in the end.

Let it go

Moving a child by the arm when they're not sitting up, having been told to is not a big deal imo.

Unless he hurt her and dragged her roughly?

If I understand it you are in part worried about you and DH being on the same page about not being violent with your children in future, as they are still so little and you feel that there is much parenting to come -- in that case YANBU at all, I can barely think of a more important conversation.

I think your concern for your DDs and thoughtfulness re DH is admirable.

Thank you for the quick replies! Too hot to sleep and yes I'm overthinking it :-) No he didn't hurt her.

You've put my mind at rest that this isn't worth making a drama over.

Thank you rooty. You're right about my concern. To be honest, we are on the same page but it's always good to check in with each other from time to time so the next time we have one of those "are we doing ok as parents?" chats, I'll bring up the topic of using physical force. I'm sure we will have the same approach at heart.

Phew - will try to sleep now!!

Your DD came to no harm and to be fair your DH probably had no idea she was already tired/ too hot/ full up. He may have thought she was just playing up and being a bit silly then pulling her to sit her up would have been entirely reasonable. Let it go now.