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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take her up on her (probably purely polite) offer?

24 replies

KirjavaTheCat · 07/07/2013 15:56

I recently added my uncle on Facebook who I haven't seen since I was very little, who lives with my elderly aunt (who I've never met).

We got chatting and he said he's told Elderly Aunt all about how I have a little boy now and a baby on the way, and showed her some pictures of DS. He told me that she owns three caravans on a resort site, in a sandy-beached part of Kent, that she said she'd be happy to lend us the use of if we wanted for free.

Given that I haven't seen him, or haven't even met her, would it be really really rude to take her up on her offer? It's a lovely place, I remember going as a child with my cousins. Thing is we're not in a position for a holiday this year (or the year after next, or the year after next...) and it would be brilliant for DS to have his first holiday before DD is born.

What's the etiquette in these situations? OH thinks it would be rude and grabby. I think he may be right, but I reeeally wanna go

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 07/07/2013 15:58

Could you visit before hand? I know how you feel but I think it would be better if you could spend some time with them first.

Tee2072 · 07/07/2013 15:59

Take them up on it and if you can never agree a date, you'll know they didn't mean it!

TigOldBitties · 07/07/2013 16:03

I'd take them up on it but could you sort of say, we would really like to make use of your generous offer but we'd love to take you out to lunch to catch up and discuss the details of staying there.

Treat them to a nice lunch, doesn't have to be particularly expensive but I think it would be good manners. Make arrangements for the holiday. Or don't mention the holiday, take them for lunch and feel it out. Invite them round or do the same after.

Montybojangles · 07/07/2013 16:06

Why is it rude and grabby? She has an empty caravan and thinks it would be nice if some of her family had the use and enjoyment of it when she isn't.

Wouldn't you offer it to family if the position was reversed?

Offer to take them to lunch or arrange a visit to thank her in person.

Lj8893 · 07/07/2013 16:07

I agree with the posters suggesting you meet them first, for either a lunch or something similar. Or if that's not doable due to location, take them up on thier offer but offer some money towards it, it doesn't have to be loads but the thought will count.

And make sure if you do go you get some happy family holiday photos as it sounds like your aunt will enjoy to see those.

GilmoursPillow · 07/07/2013 16:11

I like TigOldBitties' (oh god, typing that....) suggestion.

janey68 · 07/07/2013 16:12

Yes, meet first, or at the very least take her out for a meal when you stay there. I wouldn't feel comfortable just taking a free holiday from someone who I really don't know and have only recently been in contact with. I think the important thing is to spend some time with her so it doesn't look as though you're just out for a freebie. Presumably she could rent these caravans out so it's a really kind offer of hers

cozietoesie · 07/07/2013 16:17

I'd take her up on it like a shot. She may not (if she's elderly) be able to go on holiday much any more and may like the thought of her family using one of her caravans.

If you can, go and visit to thank her in person but in any case, I'd be telling them that you'll be putting pictures of your DS on Facebook - so that she can see how your DS got on and sort of) feel that she was participating.

You may wish to invite her out for a lunch also but don't be disappointed if she doesn't take you up on that. She might prefer the Facebook sights to having to go out for a meal.

Dubjackeen · 07/07/2013 16:28

I would thank her kindly for the offer, and accept it. I don't see that as rude and grabby, at all. As another poster said, if you ask about dates, and no date can be agreed, well then, she didn't mean the offer. However, my guess is, she saw the pic of your little fellow, and liked the thought of him enjoying a holiday, that she is in a position to give.
So, go for it, and as others have suggested, maybe go to visit, afterwards, and bring something nice, or take her to lunch, if that is something she might like to do.

cozietoesie · 07/07/2013 16:41

Just to add - you say that she's elderly but don't mention whether she has children/grandchildren of her own. That aside, very often in my experience, the thoughts of the elderly turn in a kindly way to the happiness of the youngsters in their family. You may see it as politeness only but to her it may be a natural and well meant offer which she enjoyed making.

Turniptwirl · 07/07/2013 16:46

Take her up on it, I'm sure she just thought your ds would enjoy it and she may not be able to use it as much as she'd like herself. She probably could rent it out but some people don't like to and you're family even if not been in touch much.

I agree that you should offer to visit or take her out for a meal beforehand

Slipshodsibyl · 07/07/2013 16:49

Say you would like to offer some money and see what they say. Then you will find out whether they meant it

defineme · 07/07/2013 16:49

That's quite a detailed offer if she doesn't mean it. I would and either take her out or send her flowers if couldn't get togetehr. We've put up foreign relatives we've never met before-why not.

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning · 07/07/2013 16:55

It's really not a polite offering, it is a real offer from a member of the family, enjoy!

Bosgrove · 07/07/2013 17:04

I would take them up on the offer, maybe offer a small gift to cover bills.

I speak as someone with a holiday home, I offer use of our house to friends if we aren't using it, some take me up on the offer, some don't. Some give us a little cash to cover the gas, electricity and water, some wine or chocolates, some don't give us anything.

I wouldn't offer if I wasn't happy for the offer to be accepted

schmee · 07/07/2013 17:10

I would mention to her how you loved it there as a child, and you would love to share those experiences with your children. I think she is genuinely being nice and means it, and will be really pleased to think that a family tradition is continuing. That said, I would also offer to make a contribution to cover the cost of the week, and if that is declined, then I would offer to take her and your uncle out for lunch to say thank you.

I would be slightly worried that I would feel endebted to maintain a family connection after accepting a holiday though - but I am an antisocial git when it comes to those sorts of things.

Jan49 · 07/07/2013 17:17

I think I'd want to meet them and get to know them a little bit first. It seems too much to use someone's caravan for free without knowing them.

I'd also be worried about the possible problems. Who cleans it and whether you need to clean before leaving. Or you get there and the caravan is in a terrible state with dangerous electric fittings, unfit to stay in. Or after your stay you get told you've done some damage and have to pay or when she said "free" she didn't actually mean it exactly like that. I worry too much.

cozietoesie · 07/07/2013 17:33

Yes - you worry too much Jan49.

nkf · 07/07/2013 17:35

If it was an offer, why not accept? The only thing that sows even a bit of doubt is that he made the offer not her.

SquinkiesRule · 07/07/2013 18:36

What a lovely offer. I'd accept and write her a nice letter after saying how much it brought back lovely memories of when you went there with the cousins and include pics of you all enjoying it.
Incluse a nice box of chocolates or something else. Or if you live close enough you can nip round and give them to her yourself.

Branleuse · 07/07/2013 18:44

id definitely take them up on it, but make sure you ask if they could come over and catch up one day/evening while youre there, or make another arrangement to see them another time

NickyNackyNooNoo · 07/07/2013 18:46

It's a lovely offer, I take her up in it in a shot

Agree with earlier posters, arrange to meet for lunch before or after and send her a postcard

I think it's lovely you went as a child and hopefully now you can take your own children and make some memories for them. I think that would give your Aunt enormous satisfaction & you'd be a fool to say no

antimatter · 07/07/2013 18:48

take her on her offer and send some printed photos from your holiday

Namechanger012345 · 07/07/2013 18:54

I don't think they would have offered it if they hadn't meant it. It sounds quite a specific offer which has come completely from them, not just something they had to say out of politeness. If they're not using it much they're probably pleased if you can make good use of it and have a nice holiday for your ds. I would take them up on it but I agree it would be nice to invite them out for lunch or something first to catch up etc first and kind of scope the situation out a bit.

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