To not be excited about a DC 2

[InstantWhip]

I have a DS aged 4 who in conceived after years of TTC and IVF. I would have loved another, but couldn't go through the heartbreak of fertility treatment again, so put it out of my head.

For that reason, I have never seen myself as having more than one DC and didn't bother with contraception after he was born.

So, all these years later, I find myself 8 weeks pregnant, total fluke. I should be ecstatic but I just feel deflated and empty. DH is delighted but I just can't drum up any enthusiasm and actually feel a bit icky, for want of a better word, about the whole thing.

My life is so full and happy with DS and I just can't see how another baby would bring me any more love or joy. I don't feel I have the space in my heart for another.

We haven't told anyone and I am dreading them being excited for us.

I have no intentions whatsoever of not going through with the pregnancy, as DS would love a sibling, but I'd love some reassurance that this is normal and some hope that my feelings might change

I think because you convinced yourself that your one was enough, you're in shock. It helps if you start to think what you can all do together, how DC1 can help etc. You won't love your child any less - your love just grows even bigger. Life does change and TBH I've found my life more enhanced and fun with two. It's fantastic seeing them play together despite the age gap.

We tried, fell pregnant and then the "what if's" started, worrying about LO1. You do get over it. I could imagine life without my two - love it! Am now hoping DH will agree to LO3 but am not holding it much hope...

Of course yanbu. Have you considered perhaps that it hasn't fully sunk in yet? The pregnancy is very new, maybe it will take the 12 week scan, seeing the baby, for your brain to register it and begin mental preparations iyswim.

Sometimes people just aren't excited at first, or at all during pregnancy. My friend was 'meh' about her third child until he was born, at which point she says it was like a switch had been flipped.

You aren't obligated to be over the moon about being pregnant just because you faced difficulty conceiving your son! Don't beat yourself up about it.

I think you have just as much right as anyone else to be less than enthusiastic about an unplanned pregnancy, so don't beat yourself up! I'd be terrified for other reasons (awful pregnancy, pnd and long recovery with pfb), but am confident my feelings would develop with the next child as they did with the first. Remember you are a dealing with a huge amount of hormones at the moment anyway, I wouldn't put too much weight on anything you're feeling emotionally just yet.

Can I just say that that I DID want another baby but when I fell pregnant with DD when my DS was 20 months old I was floored by how I felt. I was quite gutted actually. I know it sounds so awful but at the time I just couldn't see how I could possibly love another child nearly as much as my darling boy. My life was lovely. Fast forward and I love and adore every hair on her head. She's loud, hard work, funny, silly and there's not a day goes by that I don't wonder how the hell I could have felt that way. Try not to worry I'm certain all will be well for you.

Thanks for comments
I just can't believe how different I feel this time around. Was so precious last time about everything, wouldn't lift a thing, no booze etc. but I've had several glasses of wine (not all in one sitting I must add), am running around playing horsey with a (98th centile) DS on my back and sunbathing in my back garden (last pg we went to Thailand and I refused to sit in the sun, even covered in 60+ and kaftan! I keep forgetting I am actually pregnant this time

I had given up the idea of having a child by birth when I found out I was pregnant with dd. We had been trying to have a child for 3 years and after a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy and an operation for endo I'd had enough and was ready to give up. We decided to adopt and just as we got accepted to begin the process I found out I was pregnant.

I remember going to see friends who had kids/were pregnant one afternoon and saying "But I was meant to be adopting!" I just could not get the hang of the fact I would be having a baby.

I found that knowing the gender and naming her helped a bit as she was a little person, not an it but I really didn't accept the fact I would be having a baby until she was here and past her due date (She was born prem). I was seriously under-prepared in terms of stuff when she arrived (not even nappies) but that was sorted by my wonderful parents.

It was all fine in the end and I adore her. Good luck!

InstantWhip - I had to reply - you could be me!!!! (Apologies for ridiculous amount of exclamation marks). Our circumstances were incredibly similar in so much as tried for years, all sorts of invasive treatment, an IVF pregnancy and , like you, totally wrapped myself in cotton wool first time around. Like you, 2nd time round was a complete shock (something I never ever thought I'd experience) and , if I am totally honest, I struggled with that too - all sorts of emotions that I find hard to articulate. Joy, yes - shock, yes - but also almost a (I'm sure misplaced) sort of 'guilt' for want of a better word that soooo much emotion, time, endurance and to be frank sheer heartache had gone into getting pregnant with DC1 and then, all we did to have DC2 was, well, have sex!! I know it must sound nuts to people who haven't experienced infertility, but that journey to my DC1 being made, albeit a heartbreaking one was also a hug factor in the excitement when we were actually pregnant - so I suppose it felt odd not having that same experience second time around. I don't think I'm explaining it very well but I hope it makes some sense?
To get to the point - my 2nd pregnancy was definitely different - and like you have described - I behaved very differently. It did take me a few months to get my head around it, even though I was of course delighted on so many levels - but like you I found it hard to fathom how I could ever love any other child the way I loved my longed for DC1.
The reason I am replying is to reassure you that things will work out. Honestly. It is such an indefinable love that one has for ones children - and the circumstances of their conception did make an impact on me, absolutely - but I love them both all my heart. I think the thing I am learning is that I will always be falling in love with them more and more, every day and in different ways. There'll be things I love about DC1 and things I love about DC2. Love for them both now feels infinite. I now feel so lucky that I have had the honour of experiencing pregnancy in such hugely different circumstances and , my little boy (first was a girl) is as much my true love as my little girl (DC1).
Hope that helps. Wishing you all the best.

Gosh, what a surprise and something I'd imagine will take some getting used to. I don't have any words of wisdom to offer in some respects, but I am currently PG with DC2 and as I also have toddler DD to take care off, I can hopefully reassure you that being less 'careful' the second time round is perfectly normal.

With DD, 2 years ago, I wouldn't lift anything, carry heavy shopping, drink, eat certain foods, drink more caffeine than you're supposed to, avoided anyone smoking in the street, the list went on. This time, it's as though I'm crazy busy with DD all the time, I run around after her, carry her up the stairs (2 stone+) and every now and then feel a kick and think, oh yeah, in four months I'll have two of them! And that's not to say that DC2 isn't wanted, just that the practicalities of being pregnant with a child already are very different from the first time round. No more mooching around John Lewis gazing at tiny baby outfits and planning the nursery in my head - this time it's hunt for bargains on Amazon once I've got DD to sleep in an evening. Last time, it was brand new this, that and the other - this time, I've been given so much stuff for the new baby that I probably only have a handful of bits to buy/prepare.

Gosh, I've waffled on for too long now but just wanted to say good luck and that you're absolutely normal!

almostheadgirl yes that's it! You've pinpointed exactly how I feel! I somehow don't feel I worked hard enough to 'earn' this pregnancy

glad it made some sense! x

I've been very interested and reassured to read this thread.

We struggled for years to conceive DD. We decided to try for another a couple of months ago with the mind set that we'd better get started TTC as it could take a similar time. We conceived very quickly.

I feel shocked. I'm worried that I couldn't love another baby as much as I love DD. It just doesn't seem possible! I'm worried I've spoiled things in a way, that things are lovely now and maybe they'll change with another addition to the family.

So thank you for starting this thread InstantWhip and for all the posters who've given their experiences.

My life is so full and happy with DS and I just can't see how another baby would bring me any more love or joy.
I think everyone worries they can't possibly feel as much love for DC2 as they do for DC1.
But they do.
Your capacity to love grows and you will look at people with only one child and have no regrets because your life will be richer and so will that of your DS.

Ah yes. We struggled to conceive DS1 and DS2 was utterly unplanned and unexpected. I did not want to be pregnant again and could not fathom another baby. I felt awful for DS1 as the birth was drawing near, as though I was abandoning him and he had no idea how much his little world was going to change. I sincerely grieved for the loss of DS1 and I's relationship as a twosome. However, DS2 was an absolute dream of a baby and at 2 he still is. DS1 loves his brother and they are now best friends. Your heart and your love grow bigger, they really and truly do.

After 2 miscarriages I then had my Ds who will soon be 5. A miscarriage 3 years later, and now a 6 month old Ds. For some reason I always thought I would have a boy then a girl and got a real shock at my 20 week scan when I was told it was a boy. I'm embarrassed to say I was disappointed and really upset, I already had a perfect boy and couldn't see how I could live another as much. I spent alot big the pregnancy feeling guilty for not being thrilled as I was the first time round. Fast forward to January and the second my son was born I loved him instantly. 6 months on and I'm knackered but god I've loved every minute... Again! My gorgeous little man is soooo funny and so different and I feel blessed to have got the chance to do it all again.
I think you're probably nervous about everything that's gone and to come. Luckily, Mother Nature made these very cute bundles that we love instantly. Good Luck, I'm sure you'll be very excited and happy soon. My favourite quote: what is meant for you will not pass you by. X

This has struck a chord with me. Although we didn't have medical issues with falling for dd - took 1 year, it took us 1 try for ds, I hadn't even had a period (still breast feeding). I remember being so shocked that I could be pg, I had been tracking temps and cervical mucus (tni) so tried at the opportune moment. I could not belive that it had happened like clock work.

Pg was different - too busy to be 'careful' or take it easy, just got on with it. Towards the end I was overcome with guilt and grief about 'diluting' the love for dd. it was agony. I just did not know how I could love ds as much as I loved dd.

This followed on for a short while after the birth. With our first, we were in hospital and had every intervention apart from c section. But I loved her intensely from the moment I saw her. With ds, I planned a home water birth. Again it went like clock work, but I remember when he was born, holding him and saying 'so that's what hurt'. It wasn't this magical experience I expected or had read about - it was in direct contrast to dd.

In the weeks that followed I found it really hard. Not only from the shear hard work but from the guilt I felt. But gradually it did get better. There were one or two moments I remember. One was when dd got upset with the midwife measuring ds's head. Another was the smell of ds on his scalp. Weird maybe but it was so strong. Now when I look back, I say that ds head butted his way into my affections (he is/was always very active.)

He was a very laid back baby compared to dd, I think that probably helped! But he grew and grew in to our affections in such a massive way. As he got older he became more attached to me, much more than dd. now I LOVE him and my DD to bits and cannot think of life without them. Currently they are 7 and 9, and I'm cuddling them as much as I can before they think it's uncool and they start to get awkward.

In a nutshell op, your feelings are completely normal and don't expect too much of yourself or others. Be kind to yourself, you've had a shock and you're having to do gymnastics of the mind! Everyone experiences things a bit different and I hope the answers here are of comfort to you. Xxx