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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my MIL to give my daughter an ice-cream everytime she picks her up after school?

125 replies

Millietj · 05/07/2013 10:34

My MIL picks my daughter up from school on average twice a week - gives her sweets in the car home, then a biscuit and milk and then an ice-cream (not a little mini milk - yesterday she had a whole 99 cone - she's only five! On Monday it was a Magnum - not a full size one but still I'd struggle to eat a full one!) I pick her up at 5pm, take her home and we have dinner. Daughter has school dinners and they always have puddings.. So that's two puddings at least twice a week. I always let her have a treat after dinner - perhaps 5 smarties or something reasonable and tummy-size appropriate (sorry I know that sounds knobbish! but you know what I mean). My husband feels the same about this. We're not nazis at all about food and treats - she's very lucky with treats but surely all this ice-cream/biscuits/sweets before her dinner can't be nutritionally good for her???

I know grandparents are allowed to spoil children and if it was a one-off thing then we'd absolutely turn a blind eye and even appreciate the spoiling but it's a regular occurence.

Should we say something or are we being overly sensitive about it? I just want her to have as healthy a lifestyle as possible..

Would appreciate any thoughts just in case H and I are wrong about this.

Thanks.
M

OP posts:
ThreeEyedRaven · 05/07/2013 10:37

I can totally see your point, however if DD is not overweight and eats healthily the rest of the time then I doubt its doing her any harm. one of my earliest memories is getting a pack of smarties from nana everytime I visited Grin

Perhaps you could ask MIL to give DD smaller treats instead?

redskyatnight · 05/07/2013 10:40

On the days your MIL picks her up, why not just not give her a pudding after dinner? Then she's simply had her "treat" before dinner rather than after.

I couldn't get worried about this, sorry. I think 5 smarties is a bit miserly for a 5 year old actually - my DC would be asking what had happened to the rest of the packet.

This week it's been hot and my DC have had ice lollies after school most days - and then no pudding after dinner. They don't appear to be nutritionally deprived.

LegoAcupuncture · 05/07/2013 10:42

YABU. Just don't give her her 5 smarties after her tea if you're bothered.

If your mum did this would you have a problem, would you tell her not to do it?

BoysAreLikeDogs · 05/07/2013 10:43

You should stop the pickup arrangements, pay for your childcare. Or suck up grandma doing your family a huge favour.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/07/2013 10:45

Agree with other posters. YABU. One of the best things about being a kid is sweets and icecream. My girls have an icecream most days after school if it's hot. They also have really nutritious dinners. They're not remotely fat or unhealthy.
I sometimes wonder if the reason both my DDs do eat so well (we had sardines, brown rice and broccoli yesterday for dinner, all eaten) is because I'm not miserly when it comes to treats. I'm teaching them to love food, all food.

Original poster
Millietj · 05/07/2013 10:48

TER, I used to love getting treats too - but a packet of smarties is one thing - a vat of icecream is another!! :-)

RSAN, perhaps it isn't five - maybe 10.. :-) I always base it what I would eat and I wouldn't eat more than one packet of smarties in a go and my tummy's much bigger than hers - that's why I wouldn't give her a whole packet! - she's always really happy with it so I don't she feels in any way deprived and don't forget she has a pudding in the middle of the day. H always gives her an ice lolly after school when it's hot but she can have an ice lolly every day if she likes - very different to an icecream!

the icecream being her pudding before her dinner is a good idea but it doesn't solve the problem of it being her second pudding that day...

OP posts:
Jinty64 · 05/07/2013 10:50

If it was every day I would not be happy but I think twice a week is ok. I also think 5 smarties is ridiculous.

You could ask her not to give her sweets in the car due to the risk of choking as I assume she is driving.

ThisReallyIsNotSPNopeNotAtAll · 05/07/2013 10:50

I dont see the issue. When my son (3) visits me mum and stepdad he has so many treats. Always offered yogurts, sweets, crisps, chocolate and ice cream. Not all of it in one day obviously but my mum would if she thought he would eat it Grin

If I had of given him 5 smarties he would have thought I had lost it or eaten the pack.

Jinty64 · 05/07/2013 10:55

I think she would be better with good quality icecream than smarties, lollies and sweets.

Original poster
Millietj · 05/07/2013 10:57

Thanks Ladies - I appreciate your thoughts. So glad I asked as hated the thought of upsetting my MIL (whom I love LegoA - it's nothing to do with the fact that she's my MIL). I get the feeling that you're all sorry for my daughter - seriously she gets loads of treats - she's a really happy, well-looked after little girl. We're good to her - she doesn't know anything about our issues with the Icecream Saga - food is never discussed in a negative way at all - she's encouraged to eat well and her treats are never an issue in her eyes. We love food too and it's a positive thing in our house. I just wanted some unbiased opinions about a concern of mine.

I could have done without the implications that I'm "miserly", or being ungrateful though. We're quite happy to pay for childcare - G has insisted on picking D up when the days are light and we're delighted for her to do that as I want them to spend as much time together as possible - she's not doing us a huge favour by doing it. She does however do us huge favours all the time and is thanked on a regular basis and is loved by us all.

Ta. I feel better (apart from the jibes) now that I've had some unbiased opinions back and don't have to have a horrible conversation with G.

x

OP posts:
soundedbetterinmyhead · 05/07/2013 10:58

I think you need to be pragmatic about this and weigh up the risk of offending your mil / making her more guarded around your daughter/ mil deciding that she does not want to pick dd up from school against the benefit dd having two fewer icecreams per week.

I'm guessing that this is your first born? My advice would be to give her fewer sweets / puddings on the days when MIL collects her. It's lovely that she does stuff with her gran after school regularly.

soundedbetterinmyhead · 05/07/2013 10:59

oops crosspost - sorted.

malteserzz · 05/07/2013 11:00

If it was every day I could understand but it's fine for twice a week
Cant believe you would struggle to eat a whole magnum and give her 5 smarties

redskyatnight · 05/07/2013 11:00

Well make her take a packed lunch , if you're concerned about the school pudding. Surely having 2 puddings twice a week is hardly a huge problem? (school puddings for 5 year olds are tiny ime anyway)

notanyanymore · 05/07/2013 11:01

YABU

malteserzz · 05/07/2013 11:01

Also x posted glad you're feeling better about it

halcyondays · 05/07/2013 11:03

one ice cream cone does not equal "a vat of ice-cream" in my book. I certainly wouldnt struggle to eat a whole magnum.

I would just not give her anything after her dinner on the days her granny collects her.

Original poster
Millietj · 05/07/2013 11:09

My God, this is unreal. Malteserzz - I don't scoff down a whole magnum and give her five smarties!!!! All I meant was that were I to eat a magnum I would find it too much so how would my daughter fit it into her tummy?! Are you seriously suggesting that I would sit there and happily eat an icecream and just toss her a few smarties???

She gets her smarties in her treat pot and skips away with them quite happily - this is when she isn't having a cupcake that I've bought her that day or whatever other treat she has after her dinner.

Soundedbetterinmyhead - she is my first born and last sadly - is your implication that I'm what... uptight/concerned over nothing/making a mountain out of a molehill?? Nice.

You lot don't take any prisoners, do you? Grin

I feel so much better about the MIL/DD/Ice-cream saga but BOY do I feel crap about myself now.

OP posts:
EldritchCleavage · 05/07/2013 11:14

Oh, don't, it's just the regiment of judgmental cowbags that haunt MN sometimes.

ThisReallyIsNotSPNopeNotAtAll · 05/07/2013 11:16

Op I think Malt meant she cant believe you cant eat a full magnum in general. No idea how you jumped to your conclusion of what she meant though

Jinty64 · 05/07/2013 11:16

I think you have been let off quite lightly. If you post in AIBU you have to expect people's very honest opinion without frills. If you want the sugar and spice post in parenting.

malteserzz · 05/07/2013 11:17

I meant that I would easily eat a magnum and so would all of the adults I know

arethereanyleftatall · 05/07/2013 11:18

Woops, sorry OP. The en-masse YABU does seem a bit harsh (myself included)! I think we all thought you were being precious, but your subsequent posts detail you're not. Sorry.
FWIW, I actually agree re the 5 smarties. I think for children the thought of having sweets is treat enough, not the quantity. So I too give a pot often for pudding, with raspberries, blueberries for example and a few actual sweets on top. They're happy as hotels, as much as they would be with a whole bag.

KateSpade · 05/07/2013 11:20

My brother does the same thing with my DD, op. He gives her all sorts of chocolate & Ice cream, but she's not even two yet. He thinks he's being really nice treating her, it's so hard for him to understand she does not need to eat chocolate!

So YANBU

redskyatnight · 05/07/2013 11:22

At 5, DS could eat more than I could (burnt it all off by constant activity). I suspect your "logic" of comparing what you eat and factoring appropriately for your DD may be flawed.

At 5, DD ate like a sparrow and would not have finished a whole 99 by herself - but she self regulated, which I think is fairly common in children this age.

I suspect some of the comments are because you appear to have very rigid views. I'm not suggesting this is the case for you, but I do have one friend whose DD was found be very underweight at 4 - which the mum now realises is because she was so regimented in what she allowed her child to eat - carefully calculating calories and making judgements on how hungry she must be. Of course we all worry about our children, but it is ok to relax sometimes!

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