To ask if anyone has paid for a private education and has regrets?

[Moontime]

We will have to think about schools this year and I really don't know whether private schooling is something we should do. We can afford to. I don't mean to sound smug by saying that. I say it meaning if we can afford to then surely we should do the best we can for our DC.

Has anyone gone down the private school route only to realise after a few years that the local state school would have served their children just as well?

Totally agree that it isn't just about what they do with their lives after school so much is about the experience they have when they are there surely?

I think a private education gives you a better chance of

1. Better grades
2. Better confidence/debating skills
3. Being arrogant
4. Being socially awkward

Forehead, but does that not depend on their ability?

Like I said upthread, my DS hets average grades now, being in private school, but in State school he got massive way below average ones.

For some people average is great, eg if SEN are involved.

Parents with children who get the good grades effortlessly in the state system ( most mn/ ers) obviously don't get why people like me love the private option

Arrogant? Maybe. Socially awkward?

I think that I'll add that to my list of stupid things that people say, right under 'People who earn lots of money are rarely happy'.

I guess I can see the attraction of private schools for kids who are averagely bright but not exceptional - with a lot more individual attention and a "pushier" environment, those kids probably will perform better.

I don't think private schools really add value for the natural high achievers though - some kids will just do well wherever they are, and they have the intelligence and self-motivation to do so. Better to save the money and use it to extend the child through opportunities above and beyond school in my view.

I don't think private schools necessarily add value for kids at the other end of the spectrum either - it's my understanding that state schools can be much better with regard to supporting children with SN for example.

I am amused at the idea that private schools will automatically provide "better" peer groups, especially the comment from one poster about all the transgender kids and eating disorders at her dd's state school. Err, do you think these issues don't arise in the private sector? One of my closest friends went to one of the most prestigious girls' schools in the country, and I was at some of the stories she told me about her peers. Made my comprehensive look very tame! At the end of the day, young people are the same everywhere, regardless of their family's wealth or social status - you can't just buy your way out of the difficult teenage years!

Yeah right.

You carry on believing that people who went to public schools are arrogant entitled twats and that those of us who pay, are poor misguided fools.

But I will say to you that none of us, absolutely NONE of us, want to pay for primary or secondary education. NONE OF US want to do this.

Strangely enough we can all think of better things to do with £10k a year for primary, £15k a year for secondary or £30k a year for boarding. Out of taxed income when we have already paid (through our taxes) for a state education.

The reason that we pay is that we believe that the state system is inadequate. Which it is. I wish it weren't.

Correction. The state system fails bright pupils. A fact that has been publicly acknowledged at last. It also fails those with SEN. So if your DCs are completely average, you'll probably be okay. Providing you have no musical or sporting aspirations for your DCs. If your DCs are average then you probably don't have any academic inspirations for them either. Which is fine.

But the point that truly irritates me about this non-debate, is that you all focus upon the entitlement/arrogant/why should they have this when my DCs don't la la la.

When the correct focus of the debate should be about why and how state education fails, why and how one size cannot fit all, and how to deliver the best for all our children. If state education fails, we fail as a society.

With the exception of one who is at the grammar my bright children have not been failed by the state system. To be honest he hasn't exactly been failed.

I have an average child, she has not been let down so far.

Correction. The state system fails bright pupils. A fact that has been publicly acknowledged at last.

It didn't fail me, and it isn't failing my dd. Nor countless other "bright" kids who went through the state system. :)

I don't doubt that some state schools fail bright kids, or indeed all kids. But so do some private schools.

I agree, I am a product of state education and I don't think I am a failure or that I have been failed - not by my schooling anyway.

Well all three of mine went to state schools, in one of the worst parts of the country. My late DH, a GP who was the first member of his family to go to uni, insisted. He said that if families like ours opt out of the system we are helping it's decline! But DD1 and DS1 are both reading Medicine and DD2 is off to Oxford this year so it didn't hold them back. However my nephew who went to an indie is off to Cambridge so I think you have to look at your child and what school is the best fit for them. It is all about their individual experience.

When the correct focus of the debate should be about why and how state education fails.

Well, it's partly because we have a market economy where the rich can baggsy the best teachers.

I don't think anybody regrets private education. It's too big an expense over a long period of time and if you regretted it, you'd be kicking yourself.

My view is that if you go private, you usually get something for your money. Not always. Some of the small places are a bit silly, but the good established private schools will deliver something that even the best state school can't.

That said, I think they can take away too. There is sometimes a narrowness about the outlook and the education tends to be very traditional. And people who have used private all their lives often have ludicrous ideas about state education, as if the schools are full of feral thugs. Like I said, there is a narrowing of outlook.

I doubt that you would regret it though.

I don't think anybody regrets private education. It's too big an expense over a long period of time and if you regretted it, you'd be kicking yourself.

But a fair number of posters on this thread have said that they do regret it.

I'm intrigued by the OPs comment about how local state schools are really good but they wouldn't get a place at one as they are always oversubscribed. They must get a place at one of the local schools! Would be interesting to know about the OPs catchment school. I'd be checking out the school my DC would get a place at before I considered private.

DS started at private school but had to leave as the school closed unexpectedly and the robbing bastard of a HT took a years fees in advance off us a few weeks before
We looked at a couple other independents locally but with the loss of the fees we were unable to even pay the deposit, and in any case DS had decided on a small village first school as they had better cars in the toy boxes
The move was reasonably uneventful but I was struck by how awkward DS appeared when faced with children running round with coats on their heads or playing chase as these things were strongly discouraged at private school.
He was streets ahead with his reading, writing and maths and to this day remains a boy who thoroughly enjoys his education and always tries his hardest at everything, a mix of our influence and his early schooling.
Fast forward to now and he is about to make the more to middle school. He is happy and confident, doing well academically and has firm friendships. He is transferring to a very good school that feeds into a very good school so we are fortunate in that respect.
I don't regret the earlier private schooling as it gave him a great start, the move to state schooling has made him more rounded and outgoing. TBH unless I could afford to educate privately for the entirety of my child's education I would do it when they are older (13+) and use state till then. The benefits are greatest IMO at either ends of a child's education and if the state bit wasn't working out you do have the option to begin private earlier.

forehead it's not a case of paying for your children to get better grades - all children have their limits and no amount of coaching, cramming and private school education is going to turn a very weak pupil into an A grade pupil.
It is a struggle sometimes to get parents to accept that paying the fee for private school does NOT immediately entitle their child to a string of A grades in public exams.

I went to a state grammar school in an area of the country which (then but not now) had the 11+ and ended up at Oxbridge, one of 10 in my year. I don't think the education offered at many smaller private schools holds a candle to the education I received for free. (I speak from years of doing school visits from Oxbridge and then teaching in the private sector).

However, the grammar system has been destroyed by those who resent academic elitism, so the privileges I enjoyed for free (my mum had me at 16, single parent etc) are very rarely available for children now.

I honestly don't know what I will do when this question arises for me and my DC!

Here's a recent Ofsted report warning that state schools are failing brighter pupils. It's the same at the other end of the spectrum.

One argument which really irritates me in this debate is that bright children do well wherever they are and therefore don't benefit from private education.

I'm in the slightly unusual position where I went to a state school for years 7 and 8 and then moved to a private school. I'm 24 so this was not too long ago. The state school was meant to be relatively good but I absolutely hated it. I have always been academic (and also quite shy). It may have looked from the outside like there was adequate provision for high achieving pupils because there was a summer school, sets in some subjects and a fair number of pupils went to good universities. However, in such a mixed ability school inevitably 90% of attention goes to dealing with behavioral problems and focusing on the children who aren't achieving. I understand why this is and think teachers in the state sector have a very difficult job but it was nevertheless extremely frustrating. I genuinely wanted to learn and even at 13 recognised that I was hindered by the environment. I won prizes for coming top in my year and I felt like that meant that the state school did not see any need to educate me further. When I was 13 I wrote to a private school without my parents' knowledge and asked for a place. I studied for the entrance exams myself without any input from anyone else. My parents ultimately decided to move me and I'm very lucky they had the money to do so.

The private school was one of the top girls' schools in the country and was very academic. Most students got straight As at A Level. It pushed us far beyond the GCSE or A Level syllabus and prepared me well for university. I ended up going to Cambridge. The difference was that the school didn't give up on teaching you just because you were already going to achieve A*s. Many of my teachers had gone to Oxbridge and I spent most of my last year writing Cambridge style essays and reading texts which were not required for my A Levels but developed my knowledge. For this reason, I also find it irritating when people talk about private school students being spoon fed. We were expected to be able to get through GCSEs and A Levels without significant problems because they were not that difficult compared to the other work we were doing. Compared to the state school, we went into much more depth in terms of trying to understand the subjects and reading around them.

Many people would have hated the private school because it was pressured and placed very high expectations on us. It would be very difficult to replicate its environment in the state sector. However, it suited me perfectly and had a profound effect on the way I think.

I might have achieved straight As at the state school too but I would not have been as well educated.

I think it should be our highest priority to educate bright children appropriately and I don't think the state school does this anything like as competently as the top private schools.

nkf - the 'narrowness' works both way judging by some of the stupid narrow minded comments about private schools and what goes on at one.

As for a 'traditional' education, yup and proud of it. No Media Studies and the like.

artemis - My friend spent £20k pa and her DD got one A, a few Cs and mostly Bs. And she has no regrets.

Not all parents are trying to buy straight As for their "average" DCs. In her case, her DD wasn't coping well being 1 of 30.

I think it should be our highest priority to educate bright children appropriately

I disagree. I think that the major 'value add' for private school is taking the average children in the middle and pushing them to achieve, academically in particular although through sport and music also. My experience of state school was that the bright pupils were brought on by their parents and achieved well. The middle rankers were left to stagnate and there was no expectation of anything other than mediocrity. Look at prices Wills and Harry, I bet they'd have been lucky to get 5 GCSE passes between them had they gone to a state school - leaving aside their obvious other privileges this is what private school is buying for parents of average kids - I came across loads of them at Uni.

Whilst a private education would probably have pushed me from straight A student to Oxbridge cert, I think that the real failings of out education system is to expect and deliver so little to the majority in the middle.

To my mind, private schools gave us what we wanted in terms of environment and class size. Yes my daughter probably would have "coped" in the state system, but who wants their child's education to be about coping.

As it is she is happy. So, so happy - she utterly adores school. The fact that she's well ahead of where she should be is just an added bonus IMO.