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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wish my lovely MIL a Happy Birthday?

28 replies

plainjaney · 04/07/2013 13:40

DH and I need advice on a very tricky situation, we have no idea what to do for the best so I thought I'd put it to you lovely lot to help us.

My dear FIL had an operation to remove a Kidney earlier this year, he had an active sarcoma and we were told the cancer had gone. On his 65th birthday he was taken into hospital with what we were told was an infection. He said he'd open his cards and eat his cake when he was home and well. 3 weeks later his cards and cake remain on the dining room table, it has transpired the cancer has spread rapidly and is terminal. Sad

Last week FIL was moved to a local hospice, we are all devastated as it has happened so quickly, especially after being told he was recovering. My dear MIL is so shocked with everything and hasn't left his side. Tomorrow is MIL's 65th birthday. Neither DH or I know what to do for the best.

I had considered taking her to a local carvery down the road, but she wont leave FIL for an hour. We didn't think taking flowers and a card into FIL's room was a good idea because he'd realise how long he's been in hospital and probably feel bad for missing MIL's birthday.

I'm leaning towards quietly wishing her a happy birthday and leaving it at that. No cards, no gifts.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Ledkr · 04/07/2013 13:45

I'd just ask her tbh. She might like a break but she can tell you.
Sorry for you and your family.

Salmotrutta · 04/07/2013 13:47

Oh dearSad

I don't know if this is a good suggestion or not tbh - but, do you think she would like a little "box" of things to cheer her up?

Like a little hamper of treats?

So difficult Sad

ChangeyMcChangeName · 04/07/2013 13:48

I wouldn;'t wish a "happy" birthday but rather say something like "I know you won't want anything traditional for your birthday but I want you to know that we love you." you can write it if it's hard to say.xxx

thegreylady · 04/07/2013 13:49

Don't wish her a Happy Birthday as it can't possibly be happy.Give her a hug,say 'We are thinking about you on your birthday-would you like me to sit with dfil while you pop out to eat with dh?'.
Anything else can wait.If you have a present which is comforting rather than jolly leave it for her to find at home and have flowers there when she goes back.

Belchica · 04/07/2013 13:55

So sorry for what you are going through.

I would pick a card, maybe with a nice scene on the front, not one that screams happy birthday, and write a little note, letting her know that in spite of the difficult times you are all thinking of her on her birthday and will always be there for her and FIL. She probably wants to ignore the day but no harm in reminding her you all care.

Original poster
plainjaney · 04/07/2013 13:58

Ledkr, I had suggested a break, even if it was just half an hour walk in the grounds but she wont leave his side. Understandable really I guess but I can't help think just half an hour out might do her good.

sal a hamper is a good idea, thank you! Biscuits and snacks could be good as I know she's not getting a lot of food (I've been taking down sandwiches) and I know she's showering there so some toiletries would work.

changey That could be good as a little note dropped in the hamper. Very hard to say at present as emotions are so raw and we are all trying very hard not to get upset around FIL too.

OP posts:
AndIFeedEmGunpowder · 04/07/2013 14:00

Oh plainjaney I'm so sorry.

What a tricky situation. You and your DH sound lovely. I think I would be inclined to give them a joint celebration at the hospice with cards, cake, flowers etc. I think it might give them both a bit of a lift. You could take old family photos to reminisce over?

I know your FIL wanted to celebrate at home but if that looks like it may not happen now it would be a shame if they missed out. May also be good for your MIL to have a positive memory from her husband's time at the hospice?

THERhubarb · 04/07/2013 14:00

I would also offer something practical. LIke thegreylady has said, offer to sit with your FIL whilst she nips out, or get a takeaway for you all to eat? Does she go home to eat? Perhaps cook some lovely meals that she can quickly microwave.

Practical gifts like a Kindle might be useful to while the hours away. What do you think she is missing the most from home? Or an activity she's not been able to do.

If she won't leave her dh for a hour then ask her to have a cup of tea with you somewhere private (or in a local cafe) and give her a card then and a huge hug. Make sure she knows that she is loved.

Would a joint celebration for both your MIL and FIL be out of order? Could you not bring in flowers and a cake for them both to enjoy or would it upset your FIL too much?

AndIFeedEmGunpowder · 04/07/2013 14:01

Sorry x-post with much better ideas. Didn't mean to be crass.

LilRedWG · 04/07/2013 14:03

Buy FIL a card for him to write her and ask him if he'd like you to get a gift for her.

Don't ignore her birthday. Just a, 'we love you' card will mean plenty. Maybe take them a home cooked meal into the hospice.

THERhubarb · 04/07/2013 14:03

Home comforts are always welcome in a situation like this.
Yes to a hamper full of yummy treats as well as healthy microwaveable meals (if they have a microwave).

Perhaps something for your FIL too?

LilRedWG · 04/07/2013 14:04

I bought cards for both my parents for the other when they were ill in separate places - it meant a lot to them.

Original poster
plainjaney · 04/07/2013 14:07

Its difficult because FIL isn't fully aware of how far the cancer has spread. DH had promised we'd get him home but as his bones are affected and he's in a lot of pain without strong drugs its not practical or possible really.
He gets quite upset sometimes but at this point he is mostly asleep now so a joint thing wouldn't be the best idea. Added to this as I say we believe that if he realises he's been in hospital for as long as he has it will upset him further.

MIL does love her cryptic crosswords, I will go on a hunt for cryptic books and add them to my 'hamper'. I might add a little cupcake too.
DH has booked tomorrow off work so we can go and get some bits in the morning and then spend the afternoon with MIL and FIL.

Such a horrible time, and difficult to know what to do for the best. I lost my own Dad in similar circumstances 5 years ago so its all horribly familiar.

I think we just want her to know we love her and we are thinking of her really. But so difficult to say without pools of tears lately.

OP posts:
Original poster
plainjaney · 04/07/2013 14:10

lilred when I was nursing my Dad (I was fortunate to be able to care for him in his own home) it was Mum's birthday. A few days before he asked me quietly to sneak him in a card which he duly signed and gave to Mum. She puts it up every year.

I'd thought of this, and DH mentioned it as well but the difference is my Dad had an awareness of time and dates at that point, he also knew he was dying. As FIL doesn't have those things we thought it might upset him more by doing that.

OP posts:
THERhubarb · 04/07/2013 14:22

A lovely note might just do the trick.

And I know you said that she won't leave his side, but don't ever give up offering because whilst she might say that now, this could well change and she might one day be glad of the offer.

Would anything help your FIL too? Can he read books? How about talking books? Or a digital radio?

Hours can by someone's bedside can seem endless so I'm sure your MIL would be grateful for any distractions. Does she knit or sew? Read magazines?

Original poster
plainjaney · 04/07/2013 14:29

Rhubarb FIL does nothing now, just lies there. You can have occasional conversations with him where he is quite lucid, but he doesn't want the TV on. I did offer to take a DAB Radio down as when he was fit and well he would always have some old station on with 60's hits but he has no interest in any of it now.

MIL does knit occasionally and I did offer to get her knitting for her but she declined. The hospice has a small charity shop full of books and magazines for pennies but again she isn't interested.

I will keep offering. The hospice has lovely grounds so ill see if I can't persuade her to a walk around them over the weekend if the weather is nice.

Just made her laugh though, for some reason she was talking about round sandwiches yesterday so when DS went down earlier I gave him a sandwich box of ham sandwiches cut into little flower shapes with butterflies cut from kitchen roll in the box. Apparently she thought it was hilarious. :)

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 04/07/2013 14:35

You sound like a very thoughtful person plainjaney Smile

THERhubarb · 04/07/2013 14:42

Take the children to see her, I bet she would love to see them!

GraduallyGoingInsane · 04/07/2013 14:44

I think a hamper sounds like a lovely idea - how about some hand cream as you're constantly using that horrid hand gel alcohol stuff in hospitals, which wrecks your skin.

Another thought is a soft cotton scarf/shawl that she could wrap around her if it gets chilly, use as a blanket if she wants some sleep at the bedside etc?

Or if she's sentimental/religious maybe a little good luck charm? My Mum gave me a little 'guardian angel' when I was about to have surgery a few years ago and said it was just a bit of luck in a horrid situation. I'm not usually a sentimental person but that tiny metal pebble meant a lot at a tough time.

Original poster
plainjaney · 04/07/2013 14:56

salmo thank you Thanks

rhubarb DH and I have 2 DC's, their only grandchildren. DS is coming up for 21 now and he doesn't live at home now. He's in and out when he can to see them. DD is 15 and we will take her with us tomorrow afternoon anyway as she's off school with a dislocated knee at present (everything at once in this family!)

gradually
Oooh hand cream is a fabulous idea! FIL was always berating her for nibbling the dry skin on her fingers so I'll pop some nice hand cream in there as well.

I'm going to have a look tonight if there is a fridge/freezer/microwave in the visitors kitchen and if there is then I can perhaps put a couple of ready meals in the freezer for her. I know she's living on sandwiches so a hot meal would be a nice change.

OP posts:
THERhubarb · 04/07/2013 15:08

Make sure if they are going into a communal fridge that they are clearly labelled with a huge HANDS OFF! sign.

Aw I hope you manage to give her a lovely day and make sure you treat yourselves too, you deserve it Flowers

Original poster
plainjaney · 04/07/2013 15:20

thank you Thanks

I want to spend a bit of time with DH if I can, I know this has hit him incredibly hard and he does worry me. I think we'll go into town in the morning, pick up the bits we need for the hamper and I'll buy him a lovely lunch before we go to the hospice.

I've got a pack of stickers somewhere and a good black sharpie so I'll put those in my bag as well. I'm hoping there is a freezer and microwave the relatives room, I know there are lodges for relatives to stay in with kitchens but with MIL being in a room with him she stays there instead and there isn't anything in those rooms. Will investigate :)

OP posts:
SecondStarToTheRight · 04/07/2013 16:25

Does the hospice have visiting beauticians / hairdressers?
If so, perhaps a manicure or haircut might make her feel a bit pampered without her having to leave him.

A v-shaped pillow or nice cushion might help her stay comfy if she is sat still for long periods of time.

jollygoose · 04/07/2013 16:35

I agree with salmotrutta - a littler box of treats sounds lovely, something like a new novel, few chocs - small cologne spray, if she is spending a lot of time visiting in hospice she probably is sitting about a lot.

oldandcrabby · 04/07/2013 17:52

You and your DH know her best and I think the suggestions for goodies are lovely. The hospice I visit, has aromatherapists, beauticians, hairdressers who come in as volunteers. They frequently 'treat' family members. I would talk to the staff, tell them it is her birthday and ask their advice, they will be ready to help. I am constantly amazed at how considerate, caring and sensitive the hospice staff are. She is lucky to have such as caring DIL.

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