Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Steve Biddulph raising boys wtaf?

39 replies

monkeymamma · 04/07/2013 10:50

I just started reading this last night. 'Daycare before your child is 3 won't turn him into a psychopath, but it does raise his chances'. My jaw literally dropped at this.

I didn't want to write off the rest of the book in case it was a case of raw nerve being hit on my part, so kept reading. I've lost patience now as the whole thing seems predicated on the idea that boys are 'a problem', that young men nowadays are somehow out of control. I found all the stuff about them being more likely to die in an accident etc very negative and upsetting (yes, this is based on statistics, but I don't think it helps mums of boys to dwell on it.)

In other words I think the book sees boys as proto-men, in training to be 'handsome, sensible, heroic' etc. I don't see DS as anything other than a PERSON. Who can grow up to be who he wants to be. And I'll love him whatever his personality.

The book was bought for me as a (very thoughtful) present from someone very dear to me, alongside Toddler Taming which is excellent (I think Raising Boys was an Amazon suggestion to go with it), and I was keen to read it in case it helped me be a better mum to ds. But I'm actually very surprised by it. Am I being too harsh? Does it suddenly get helpful later on? I'd be very interested to hear thoughts from anyone who has read it.

OP posts:
LucilleBluth · 04/07/2013 10:53

I love that book, it got me through some hard times with my boys. It helped me look at things from a male perspective even though we are a two parent family and they have a male role model in DH.

LRDLearningDomHome · 04/07/2013 10:54

He was on here for a webchat.

He got very flustered about his sources and eventually admitted some of them are, erm, from the 1950s.

Make of that what you will.

maja00 · 04/07/2013 10:57

He's very anti-nursery. In fact a big study of pre-school education (called EPPE) found that the more months spent in high quality nursery between 2 and 3 the more cognitive gains children made, and this was more pronounced for boys.

Is he American?

zen1 · 04/07/2013 11:00

I picked up a copy lying on someone's coffee table once and had a flick through (as a mum of 3 boys I thought it might be interesting). That was enough to tell me it wasn't for me. I didn't like the tone of the book tbh.

farewellfarewell · 04/07/2013 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flippinada · 04/07/2013 11:10

I wouldn't pay any attention to what Steve Biddulph says, personally, as I think he's a sexist prat with an agenda. Lots of people seem to like his book though.

gordyslovesheep · 04/07/2013 11:13

What flippin said x

ThreeMusketeers · 04/07/2013 11:13

Love his books, particularly 'Raising Boys'. All humans, regardless of gender are 'persons', that's given.

Why some people refuse to acknowledge that men/women boys/girls are different, baffles me very much. Not better or worst, just different.

Understanding these differences helps parents, in the case of the abovementioned book, mothers, to be aware how to help their sons to reach their potential.

Agree with him about the nurseries.

AnythingNotEverything · 04/07/2013 11:15

I haven't read Raising Boys, but wanted to add that Toddler Taming is excellent. As good as the Babies book, if not better!

YoniBottsBumgina · 04/07/2013 11:16

People are different from each other. It's not helpful to try to categorise these differences by gender IMO. There is far more difference within one sex than there is between the two sexes. Most of the "differences between the sexes" are socialised anyway.

LapsedPacifist · 04/07/2013 11:19

Steve Biddulph is Australian. He was born in UK but raised in Australia - lives in Tasmania. A lot of his published anti-nirsery stuff is based on out-of date research. Hmm He is very keen on children being cared for exclusively by mum for the first 5 years.

I COULD comment on my brother's awful experiences of being a SAHD in Adelaide for the past 5 years after emigrating to Australia and the ignorant and neanderthal somewhat unreconstructed attitudes he and SIL have encountered as a result. But I won't, coz that's anecdote, not data.

landofsoapandglory · 04/07/2013 11:21

Someone I know offered to lend it to me when my boys were much younger. I read the first couple of pages, flicked through the rest and handed it back. IMO it is bollocks. I didn't need to read his drivel to help my sons reach their potential, they (and I) have done very, very well with out his sexist bullshit!

SolomanDaisy · 04/07/2013 11:22

I always wonder about what he says about nursery for under 3s. There is plenty of evidence that for under 2s it isn't ideal, but also lots that between 2 and 3 there are advantages. Seems a bit careless.

SavoyCabbage · 04/07/2013 11:25

He's australian I think. I've just read Raising Girls. I really liked it but its more recent and there's stuff in there about Facebook etc.

yetanotherworry · 04/07/2013 11:26

IME Australian nurseries are hideous compared to British nurseries so I wouldn't worry too much.

I've actually seen Steve Biddulph's Raising Boys lecture and some of the stuff he says makes a lot of sense. I read the book about a year after and it wasn't quite as good. However, I think if you read it without taking the claims too seriously, its not that bad a book. It does explain a lots about the way boys behave and think.

PeterParkerSays · 04/07/2013 11:27

I wanted to love his book, and the later chapters are good, particularly around wider community support for bringing up teenage boys, but I was in floods about the childcare bit.

I have to work full time, as I earn most and we couldn't pay the mortgage if I didn't. Thanks Steve for suggesting that my son will be disadvantaged for life because of this....Angry. not all parents (any?) have a choice whether to keep their child at home or send them to nursery.

TwasBrillig · 04/07/2013 11:30

Didn't if bring out one about girls too? Someone mentioned it to me but I've not read it.

It may be Australians (as a whole big generalisation) have a different attitude to parenting. My Aussie sister in law was amazed how young we started school here. Her children had just turned 6 and in her aisle most mums only used part time childminders if at all.

TwasBrillig · 04/07/2013 11:32

Yet another -are they very different? I know a lot of them use 'day care' which in my sisters case was more like a big childminder than a nursery.

I think didn't he write about a testosterone surge at 4 or 7 or something that's become accepted myth, but not grounded in reality?

WilsonFrickett · 04/07/2013 11:39

I did find some of the later stuff about good role models, community involvement etc quite interesting, but I suspect exactly the same wisdom can be applied to girls. And I read it when DS was tiny, he's only 7 now, so maybe I would have thought of that stuff for myself when he gets older anyway?

Don't remember the nursery stuff but as DS was in nursery from 6months it's entirely possible I wiped that from my mind!

I think it's like all parenting books - some will really chime with you, most will have a couple of bits you can cherry-pick, but lots of them are a bit 'meh' I think.

becscertainstar · 04/07/2013 11:41

I can't stand him. His arguments about nurseries are backed up with 'well x y and z happens in nurseries, so no wonder the kids are damaged' when clearly you wouldn't put your kid in a nursery where that happened...

But on the 'Australian book about bringing up boys' front I absolutely love 'He'll Be OK - growing gorgeous boys into good men' by Celia Lashlie - it's more about boys from age 7 and up. I expect that a lot of what she says would be controversial on Mumsnet, but I think it's pretty brilliant and exactly the advice that I need.

littleomar · 04/07/2013 11:45

What most of you said. I ignored it and sent my two boys to nursery at 1 because that's what we had to do. I also thought it was badly written - too many exclamation marks to be taken seriously.

greencatseyes · 04/07/2013 11:46

I don't buy into anything fully, but I did draw some comfort from the idea that boys do actually need to roll around on the floor fighting. My three do this ALL the time. I hate hate hate it, but I do see that its a necessary learning excercise (lion cubs learning) - and I now let them do it up to a point.

That's what I got from the book anyhow

3hens · 04/07/2013 11:47

I've read the Raising Boys and the recent one about girls. He didn't write the girls book, (just a foreword, which is annoying cos he was publicizing it like he wrote it) and I thought it was light reading, nothing much of substance. I didn't like it.

Raising Boys I liked more, actually thought it was very good. But these kind of books always polarise opinion. But I think these books are always for an ideal home. Most of us dont have that. Life deals us different hands, different children, and we have to go with what we ahve and do our best. Read it, take what suits.

TwasBrillig · 04/07/2013 11:51

I don't really understand why boys need to roll around fighting. My brother used to with me (I'm female) and I hated it, used to play dead or fight back just to get away. My parents never intervened.

GoodTouchBadTouch · 04/07/2013 11:55

I thought it was good, but probably becuase it agrees with how I want to bring up my children. I started them in Yr 1, they didnt go to nursery. Its popular with the Steiner lot I think.

Some books will tell you how toddlers thrive in nursery and I disregard those ones as rubbish becuase that suits what I do.

Interesting about the play fighting - apparently being rough is a physical need and it they manage not to inflict actual injuries on each other they are showing great self control and we should be proud