Does this sound reasonable? - Wedding related!

[LalyRawr]

This will be long, but am trying not to drip feed, biscuits avaliable at the end for anyone who gets there!

My OH's Cousin is getting married. The Bride is from Ireland so will be getting married there, in her home town. Bride and Groom are lovely. Really nice, genuine people, DD was named on the invite, no gift list, no poems etc. All good.

Except that it is going to cost us over £1000 to attend this wedding.

The issues:

Travel: The nearest airport is about 4 hours away from the venue. The ferry is about 45 minute drive away, but will take us a few hours to get from home to Ferry. Neither me or OH drive. As such we are at the mercy of OH's brother, who is driving. He wants to get the ferry, which means a three hour drive to ferry, 4 hour ferry crossing, 45 minute drive to venue. DD will be 18 months when wedding happens. It will cost £185.50 for us to get the ferryl and an extra £100 to give OH brother as petrol money.

Hotel: Hotel costs ?400 for the four nights we are there (again, at mercy of OH's brother, he wants to leave Thursday, return Monday, we have no way of getting there on our own). This does not include any meals. Google informs me this is about £340 and add an extra £150 on for meals, drinks snacks etc over the four days. Current total cost is now £775.50

Work: OH is self employed. He does not get paid if he does not work. Current contract is £100 a day, so he will lose three days pay to attend wedding. Total now £1075.50

Add on £100 for a wedding present (same as we gave Grooms sister when she got married, though she got married locally so none of this extra outlay) and we get a grand total of £1175.50 to attend someone else's wedding. This does not include clothes as I am wearing a dress I already have, OH has suit and shirt, just need to buy a dress for DD.

Other random issues with are relevant:

I have a complete and utter fear of cars. Parents and brother killed in a car crash by a drunk, drugged up driver when I was 14. Since then I have not willingly got into a car. Had to be sedated when I broke my leg to get me into the ambulance. I'm going to need much Valium to spend so much time in a car.

We'll need to get someone to feed the cat (minor issue I know).

DD has never spent so much time travelling. Am worried how she will cope (especially if I'm drugged up on Valium!).

SO!

This is my plan.

OH goes. Me and DD stay home. Benefits of this, cheaper hotel (he can share a room with his brother), less travel costs, less meal costs, no drugged up me, no stressed out kid, OH can have a nice time without worrying about us.

All estimate wise, cost of OH going on his own would be £700. Still a large chunk of money, but less if the three of us went.

Downside is, I will be gutted to miss the wedding because the bride and groom are truly lovely.

Does this sound like a reasonable solution? Am using you guys as a sounding board before I approach OH.

for anyone who got this far!

Oh and just to make this even longer, there is no question of OH not going. He and his cousin are super close and more like brothers, I would never expect OH to not attend his wedding.

Oh gosh - what happened to your family is terrible so I can understand your dread of cars.

It seems to me that you have worked out a suitable compromise and if the bride and groom are as lovely as you say then they will understand if you explain?

Do they know about your fear of cars and the reasons?

Sorry - maybe you don't want to "explain" to them

Sounds completely reasonable to me. The costs of getting there are huge, your DD will struggle with the journey and so will you for entirely valid reasons. Your DH will still be there and that's the main thing. Perhaps you could spend a bit of the money saved on an especially nice gift :)

Don't be sorry, it's ok!

They all know I don't like cars and they know why, though none of them (OH included) have ever seen the state I get into when my only option is to get in one.

Bride and groom would more than likely completely understand and frankly, OH is the one they would probably miss more if he didn't attend.

If money were no object, I would probably take the Valium and suck up the drive as best I could, but this added with the huge expense makes me feel that staying at home is the better option.

I just think OH might be a bit disappointed that me and DD were not there.

I think your compromise is very sensible - and perhaps you could invite the bride and groom for a meal as a celebration when they get back - assuming they live in your area.

What happened to your family is absolutely awful - I'm so sorry. Have you had any help to try and get over your fear of cars - understandable though it is?

So sorry to hear about your parents and brother, OP.

All else aside, when people get married in other countries-& I can see why they are doing this-not everyone can go & they have to accept it.

i don't think that you need a reason tbh.

I see that your husband is close to the groom, but I do think that even he should be considering not going.

I can definitely see your concerns and I think you've come up with a good plan.

I do wonder though, if you went, even on the valies, would it do you some good in trying to get used to being in a car again? like exposure therapy in CBT? just a thought.

My GP has said the same in regards to CBT, trying to take short car journeys and to be honest I was thinking of trying this in the run up to the wedding.

We live in London and the public transport is really realiable so I've never had a need to get into a car. DLR and trains can get me most places I need t go.

But yeah, it is a good idea and one I am willing to try!

Is there no way to get public transport (train and/or bus) to and from the ferry? Would mean you can avoid being in a car, and can choose how much time you want to stay at the wedding for. Unlikely to cost even the £700 for just DH to go if you could go and stay just for one night or so. Minimises the time DD has to be in a car seat (I know my DS gets frustrated at it if its a long journey).

Completely understand why you don't want to go on such a long car journey

I would just go with your plan for DP to go along with his brother. Setting aside the other issues, that length of car/ferry journey with an 18mo old is likely to be hell on earth. I say this as someone who has just done a 7 hour car journey with our 20mo old DS and it was horrendous. He basically screamed the whole way, and even with frequent stops was difficult. I'm sure that if the happy couple are as lovely as you say they will understand.

Have you looked into coaches? Years so when I looked into going to Ireland there were some quite cheap deals.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to go with. I had some CBT a while ago and it really helped

OP, very few placed in Ireland are 4 hours away from an airport - where is the wedding on? Maybe I could give you some suggestions of an easier, quicker and cheaper way to get there if you let me know.

I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to drive after what happened to your family.

Oh thanks Sh, all times and distances I'm getting from OH's mum and brother as I don't drive nor have ever been t Ireland so I don't know.

Wedding is at Wexford.

I'd double check - Ireland isn't that big and the roads have improved massively in the last 20 years. I'm sure you could fly to Dublin or even Shannon and be less than four hours from Wexford.

Also, look into ferries independently - you might find a better deal via train/ferry on days which are more suitable for you.

The other idea is to turn the wedding into your summer holiday. Go for a week or so, travel slowly from airport to wedding and back again. That part of Ireland is beautiful apparently.

Wexford is definitely not 4 hours from an airport. You could be there from Dublin or Cork in about 2 hours and you should be able to get a train from either of those cities to Wexford. Probably much cheaper too.

Ohh thanks for that Anythng and Wine.

I'm about to leave for work, but will look at it when I get home tonight.

Thanks!

There is an airport in Waterford, which is about an hour from Wexford town (not sure where in Wexford county wedding is on). I once flew Luton-Waterford but it's 6 or 7 years ago. I have a vague idea that there is a train from Rosslare (the ferry port) to Waterford - maybe this is an option? www.irishrail.ie There are definitely buses.
If you would like to google supervalu (irish supermarket) getaway breaks and check if there is anything available I could try and arrange a loyalty card/club id for you. Cork and Dublin airports are both reasonably near Wexford (2.5 hrs) and there are train and bus routes.

Wexford is around two hours from Dublin and lots of people would commute to work in dublin so there is a train service at least most of way to where you would be going so you would need to spend very little time in a car/bus.

Flights to dublin from the UK are plentiful and cheap (if you are flexible). Trains in Ireland are not as expensive as the UK. You could easily get to Wexford for a lot cheaper, a lot quicker and with a lot less road travel than your OH's brother and mother are telling you!!

You can also get train from London Paddington to Fishguard harbour (with 1 change) tho not many trains a day. Ferry to Rosslaire - not far from your destination.

I would pack DP off on his own. When you're planning a wedding "abroad"(especially in an area not fabulously served by transport links), you have to expect that some people aren't going to be able to come.

Presumably DCousin and his wife-to-be know about your issues with cars and the fact that you'll have a very young child at the time of the wedding. They may already be anticipating that you won't be able to attend because of both these factors, plus the cost.

From what you've, it's going to be a stressful journey for you, your DD, DP and his brother. There's a real possibility that you might get halfway there and realise you can't get in the car again, in the middle of rural Ireland. You've got a phobia, and it sounds like you'd be putting yourself under a lot of pressure. YANBU!

You could fly to Dublin and get a bus or train to Wexford. It's about 1/5 - 2 hours. Look at www.wexforbus.com

I reckon you can find a way round all of this, then you can all go and enjoy yourselves!

So sorry about your family.

If you would really like to go to the wedding (and it's perfectly fine to decline if you don't want to - I'm only suggesting this as you seem disappointed not to go), you could get the train to Fishguard for the ferry to Rosslare. The ferry has a children's play area so that part of the journey is relatively stress free. Assuming the wedding is in Wexford town (wasn't sure if you meant the wedding is Wexford town or somewhere in Co. Wexford), you could then get the train from Rosslare to Wexford town (about 20 mins away) so you would not have to be reliant on OH's brother for transport (you can book ferry and train tickets together - check out www.raileasy.co.uk for prices and timetables).

Alternatively it's about 20 mins drive from the ferry to Wexford town (I appreciate that still means getting in a car but you mentioned possibly being up for short car journeys). If the wedding is elsewhere in Co. Wexford you could check out distances on the AA route planner to see how feasible a taxi would be.

Re. the hotel, you could potentially get a B&B for about 60/70 euro a night nearby and make a nice little holiday out of it. If the bride is from around there she may be able to help you out with some suggestions (or see www.bandbireland.com/)

Re. the cost of your husband taking time off work, sounds like he is going anyway so that's pretty irrelevant to the costings of you and DD going.

None of this is to suggest that you should feel pressured to go - you have perfectly good reasons to decline - I'm only suggesting it as it sounded a bit like you'd like to go.

YANBU not going, but actually it sounds as though you would really like to be there. It sounds like a truly horrid experience and I can understand why you are phobic but perhaps it is an opportunity to try to overcome this fear without subjecting yourself to such a long journey by road.

Wexford is known as the Sunny South East in Ireland and there are lots of nice beaches [Saving Private Ryan landing scenes were filmed along that coastline] and reasonable places to stay (mostly fixed caravan parks and B&B's) but you could (funds permitting) go for a week which might make the logistics a little easier when travelling with an 18 month old.
www.visitwexford.ie/index.php?contentid=links

There is definitely a Luton to Waterford air route still in operation. Small planes though so not sure if that will be an issue for you.
There will definitely be buses between Waterford town and Wexford town.
www.irishtourist.com/wexford/travel_info/

Even if you fly to Dublin and take the train south, it will be faster than the route you have just outlined and prob no more expensive if you can be flexible with flight times. Looks like circa ?80 return for 2 adults and a child from Dublin to Wexford on the train.

If the reception is outside Wexford town in a hotel or similar then you will either need to walk or take a cab. Irish roads tend to be narrow and windy off the major routes and any local cabbie will be more than happy to take things slowly and chat about all kinds of rubbish that will take your mind off things.

Have a chat to the bride and groom - you may find that there are lots of guests arriving by air into Dublin and Waterford and that a private hire bus may be a possibility. That might put more pressure on you admittedly if you have 15 other people getting into a minibus with you.

Best of luck