AIBU to think that This girl ruined dd's school trip

[helsbels03]

AIBU to be cross about this. My dd was partnered on her trip today with a challenging child from her class. I have just spent 2 hours comforting her as the other child made up stories to 'tell on her' and so she got into trouble for most of the day ( usually she is very quiet at school and has never been told off ) she said she was too shy to tell the adult they were with as it wasn't her teacher, or an adult she had met before.
She is 6 in y1 and this was her first school trip.

YANBU and I really feel for your DD. At that age I would not have known how to handle that situation and would have stayed quiet and miserable.

I can't imagine that a 6 year-old would use the term 'challenging', so is this a child you 'know of' already?

The adult in charge shouldn't have only taken one side of the story, that's true, and I don't blame you for wanting to find out more.

I am also a little worried at: I think I am do cross because u have already had to speak to the teacher about sitting her next to a different, but equally challenging child on the carpet.

What was the problem there? Someone has to sit next to
the 'challenging' child. Why not your DD?

I'd go and have a quiet word with the teacher and say what your dd's said, that you know theres two sides to the story, but could she look in to it further. My dd is the shy child too who won't stick up for herself. I think its going to be a long while until she does. More than anything your dd needs to know that your there for her and you will try to sort things out where you can. Fwiw, my younger son is the 'challenging' child, he generally gets paired up with the teacher.

Just wanted to add that my children have often complained about being told off , and on further enquiry it turns out that the adult concerned has made the mildest comment, but the child perceives it as a telling off. I would check very carefully exactly what she means by being told off. Most adults can tell an obedient, quiet, shy child from a challenging one, and it's unlikely that the adult with her would not have been able to see that she is not a trouble-maker. If she really was in trouble for most of the day, then is it possible she did misbehave? If she's reluctant to join in, that may have been mentioned, and she might see that as being told off.
I would speak to the teacher, but gently.

I have sympathy OP. I hjave a quiet and placid girl who was reguarly used as a management tool by teachers at primary school becuse she didn'ty react and was always kind. At home, however she was increasinglY stressed and upset.

Teachers need to deal with difficult children themselves rather than using children to do it. Not sure why adults hjave to pussy foot around the teaching profession tbh - they are the adult professionals; parents are key stakeholders - often with choices and I can't thjink of any other environment where the customers jhave to pussy foot to such an extent in relation to poor service.

How do you know all these children are "challenging"? Is this official, or what you believe them to be?

You have just your dd side of the story. Surely there was an adult minding such a challenging child,

Go and have a word with the teacher to establish the fact before you do anything else. You could end up looking rather foolish. Not saying your dd is telling porkies, but you need the bigger picture first.

OP, just be sympathetic to your child but I wouldn't go into the school over this. If it happens a couple more times then have a word.she is in Y1, of course she is not going to be happy every day and there are going to be disagreements. Are you going to go in with every niggle?

It's a wonder any children develop any resilience these days. Mums are always having 'words'.

I would keep a note on her behaviour and moods over the next few weeks.

She maybe upset today but tomorrow is a new day and if she is anything like my kids were it will blow over.
If she is still upset and 'challenging' kids are still upsetting her, then go and talk things over.

Speak to the teacher in the first instance. If you're still not happy, then by all means take it to the head. The head will expect you to have seen the teacher first.

Grrrr I am angry on your behalf. My DC's were all very quiet and mild mannered at school and were always getting paired up with the challenging kids. This was not in their or my imagination. The teachers kept telling me that they did it on purpose because my kids didnt react. . It used to drive me nuts.

If your dd is upset about what happened then you should speak to the teacher. It didn't really matter whether her partner was challenging or not, she felt she was being victimised and it should be addressed.

However, unless you think your child is being bullied by a particular child, you do not get to dictate who your child sits next to or works with. Most often the most challenging children are with the teacher but that supposes that there is only one or two or that you haven't had to spilt them up for behaviour reasons.

She wasn't left in charge of this boy, he was just being mean which could have been any child not just a challenging one.

I would check that the other child actually 'told on her'. At my school we have children coming up in the middle of lessons saying 'X is upset because X got her done'. Yet no one has complained and no one has been told off. The children say they are going to get the others told off but don't actually tell a teacher and then the other child gets upset. It happens in all year groups which I find odd that not one of them realise the child has not actually said anything to an adult! They all think they have been 'told over' when the other child hasn't even left their seat!

I know peers are an easy alternative way to get kids to do things that adults can't, but I don't like the way schools use the "good" kids to teach the other kids.

I had this with my ds at lunch times, he's a good non-fussy eater, but was placed on the fussy eater's table (this was how the school themselves described the table to me) to show the one's who wouldn't eat how to eat!! Like a) that's going to work and b) has the potential to make my non-fussy child turn fussy rather than turn the other 9 kids non-fussy. I told the school to put an adult who eats well on the table and not use my ds as the tool.

I am sorry for your DD, OP, and I can see why you are upset over the incident, but my advice is to keep your head, go and see the teacher this morning and explain that your DD was upset last night/ this morning (if she still is). Ask her to find out from her mother exactly what happened yesterday. Say that you have only had one side of the story. For all you know, the teacher may have warned her mother that she may struggle with a child in her group but not which child. I'm not sure how much information a teacher can give to anyone without breaking "confidentiality" rules. To those saying that your DD should speak up for herself, of course if sounds ideal (until you actually have a child who can speak up for themselves - constantly ) but she is only 6! I know grown adults who struggle to speak up for themselves when a manager or someone in a position of authority "has a go". Make sure you reassure your DD that next time they have a trip she will be paired with someone else. I'm actually wondering why she wasn't put with a friend, isn't that normal procedure?