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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To see no way out of this.

17 replies

leavemyholidaysalone · 02/07/2013 22:16

Short history, we have a holiday house on the south coast. I made the mistake of inviting our ILs there for a week of our annual fortnight there when we were first married.

They are quite difficult people and over the course of our marriage I have really come to loathe FIL. He has drink problems and behaves unpleasantly on a regular basis. He and MIL show blatant preference for my DSD (their 'real' GD) with 'special' cards and gifts, and can be quite impatient and nasty with my DD. Our youngest DS (my DH's son) is still small and FIL is determined that he will play with him even if it means grabbing him and refusing to put him down when he cries to be let down. I consider him a danger around DS as he has nearly dropped him at least twice when he's been drinking and has been known to grab him and wander off with him when I'm not looking even though DS has been crying for me. He is a self centred, dislikeable man and they are both stressful people to spend a holiday with, after two or three years of having them with us I said no more - I was starting to dread our holidays rather than looking forward to them.

Three years ago we told them we just wanted the time to ourselves that year. Two years ago they asked if they could come (very thick skinned) and were told again we just wanted a holiday on our own. Last year, having bought a FUCKING BOAT! they said they would drop in on us whilst cruising along the coast. I just don't want them on our holiday at all any more so again they were told we wanted the holiday to ourselves. You would think they would have got the message. We go again next week. Today I saw FIL - he said, as he was leaving, in a quite challenging way;

"I may or may not see you in X town. I am determined to get there on my boat".

I KNOW what he means by this is that he knows I do not want them on our holiday but he does not care and is going to try to come anyway. I smiled and said, Well maybe see you there. The problem is if DH tells them AGAIN not to come it will cause a massive family bust up I think, DH's siblings will side with their parents and it will cause grief. But I am so, so angry that they are just going to inflict themselves on us like this. I don't know what to do though. Please believe me, they will ruin the holiday in so many different ways, he is awful.

OP posts:

TSSDNCOP · 02/07/2013 22:20

How will they know when you're going?

giantpurplepeopleeater · 02/07/2013 22:22

How does your DH feel about this??

My solution? Agree with your DH that you will no longer be informing PIL about your holiday dates until the last minute. Keep it to yourselves.

zoobaby · 02/07/2013 22:23

Can they not go there themselves during a different week? Or is it timeshare?

Sounds like you need to make it clear that the original offer is withdrawn, that you want the holiday to yourselves, permanently.

If he mentions it athen maybe ask if it's possible to get to X town and back again in one day, or perhaps ask where they are staying.

Shellywelly1973 · 02/07/2013 22:24

After this year, don't tell them when your going away.

The sound awful, especially your fil....YANBU!

YellowTulips · 02/07/2013 22:27

Change the dates you are there if you can. Don't tell them the dates in the future.

Go somewhere else and rent out the holiday home?

Either way I wouldn't put up with it.

Original poster

leavemyholidaysalone · 02/07/2013 22:40

You are all right. From next year I will avoid telling them the dates. I am so angry and upset, I have been going to this place since I was a little girl. They have turned it into a source of worry and stress rather than a lovely holiday that I look forward to.

OP posts:

oreocookiez · 02/07/2013 23:47

OMG you poor thing sounds bloody awful maybe you and DH could put some clear boundaries in place surrounding your kids... like not getting drunk around them? also that they have to treat them the same, good luck

cozietoesie · 02/07/2013 23:53

I'd rent it out (this year anyway) for the two weeks and go somewhere else without telling them where. Think of the peace of not worrying that there will suddenly be that knock on the door. (And renting should be very easy.)

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 03/07/2013 00:01

I don't think you should worry about it causing ructions, they have brought it on and they sound revolting (well FIL does at any rate), I would be telling DH to have Very Firm Words about them not be welcome.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 03/07/2013 00:02

That's a good idea Cozietoes that would throw them when they let themselves in knocked. Mind you, possibly not too practical if the OP has a lot of stuff at their place.

LondonKitty · 03/07/2013 00:09

They sound horrible. YANBU!!!!

Your DH needs to have a firm conversation. Tricky situation, but they don't seem to understand their boundaries, and these need to be made clear.

It would annoy me to the point where I would risk the wrath of the rest of the family and just say 'NO!'.

Good luck - I don't envy you this. I hope you manage to have a lovely IL-free holiday.

Original poster

leavemyholidaysalone · 03/07/2013 09:12

Thanks for advice. Am so furious still!

OP posts:

saulaboutme · 03/07/2013 10:32

Yanbu and there's a way out, you have to tell them they're not coming.
How many more years will this go on for. Face them off and don't let them ruin your holiday.
For your childrens sake.

Squitten · 03/07/2013 10:35

Unfortunately, if they want to turn up in the same place as you, you can't stop them.

You have to be either super-blunt and tell them that you do not want to see them on your holiday, or put up with whatever happens this year and don't tell your holiday plans anymore!

FruminousBandersnatch · 03/07/2013 10:44

If the FIL is so obviously dreadful how come DH's siblings will take his side? Do they have children?

What a horrible situation. I can't think of anything you can do for this year other than try and find out what day they will come and be out all day and evening. Not the best solution though.

quoteunquote · 03/07/2013 10:56

Just explain very clearly to them, that you feel it is important when you go on holiday, that you have a break from everything and everyone.

and you will look forward to seeing them when you get back.

If they can't comprehend that very concise message, then they are deliberately playing power games.

and while you are at it, explain you now have a family rule that no one who is under the influence of alcohol is to come in contact with the children.

This is your life, you decide the rules, if others don't like it, so what, you only get one life to live the one way you want. Start now, as this is not working for you.

When this man manhandles your child, say "let him go" if he doesn't ask him to leave.

At the moment they have no reason to adjust their attitude, you have to give them no choice, clearly they won't from their own fruition.

So how long you want to live with this behaviour is entirely down to how long it is before you put your foot down permanently.

Pigsmummy · 03/07/2013 13:02

If they are planning to tell you when they are coming just tell them that you will be out, if you they are planning on popping in then I don't think that you can do a lot about it tbh. Other than entertain them for a short time and then tell them that the family are going out, to something pre booked (agree with hubby first), cinema/theatre/anything to get them out the door.

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