Different parenting styles

[gremlindolphin]

We are on the verge of having a major crisis here as our parenting styles are so different.

Our lovely DD (11) is fantastic at school, homework, practises her music etc etc but struggles to do chores, hang up her blazer, pick up bath towels etc. My way with this is to praise her for all the good things and then just keep reminding her about the blazer, clearing up etc as we go along.

My dh seems to forget the good stuff and just goes on and on about the blazer, tidying her room, polishing her shoes etc. DH and DD then argue, she is disrespectful to him, I get upset and DH says I am not supporting him. I do support him but can't make him understand that I can't support the way he does it ie him almost bullying her. He thinks if I had nagged her more in the first place he wouldn't have to.

Just had a huge row ending with me shouting "don't sweat the small stuff'

Going round in circles. And she isn't a teenager yet.

Any thoughts appreciated!

Polishing her shoes!!! Lol at that. Does anyone?

With you op, constant nagging will build up a huge wall between them.

She's a kid, they make a mess, get her to tidy her room once a week and be glad she's great at school.

Tell her to hang the blazer up though ad guess this I'd expensive. Towels on the floor are par for the course really.

Is he very tidy?

Well, I'd agree with your parenting style over your DHs but man this parenting lark is hard!

I suppose you have to show a united front so I would speak to him when she isn't around and make him see that in the grand scheme of things not hanging up a blazer is hardly a hanging offense!

He will struggle when she gets to proper full on teenage years!! Im dreading it and my eldest is only 4!

I'm sort of with your dh because I think it's very important that children learn to tidy up after themselves and not rely on others to pick up after them. How many times on here do you hear about the stress caused by others' mess and their refusal to look after themselves or their environment.

I don't think nagging and arguing are very effective, but picking up after them is not acceptable. Hanging your towel and blazer up is basic and I would expect a 5 year old to manage stuff like that.

It's sort of the opposite in my house - I'm the nag (although I do praise all the time too - just more likely to pick up on minor transgressions), whereas my husband is TOO laid back (for my liking).
To be honest though, I think it's better to have a mix as I can be reigned in, and he can be pushed to action (and always maintain a united front where possible in front of the kids).

I'm confused!

So..........

if you ask DD to pick up her blazer, towels etc and she doesn't you leave it and praise her for the things she does well?

If DH asks her and she doesn't he keeps going on at her until she argues or does it?

or.......

if you asks her does she do it straightaway? IE a gentle reminder gets her to do it?

I ask because my answer would lie on what the situation actually is - because it seems you both want her to pick her stuff up (or both hould as she's 11yo!)

And can you clarify 'struggles with chores'. Do you mean finds hoovering difficult, breaks thing when washing up or do you count blazer/towel issue as chores?

I have started replying to your post a number of times but don't quite know how to share my thoughts.

I think you are going about things well - children need to know what they are doing right as well as what they are doing wrong and they tend to respond better when there are more positive than negatives.

I am trying to work out is there is a way that your DD can show her dad that she is doing good stuff as well as the other (entirely normal) stuff? Maybe a tick list of thing s she has done which are positive?

My DH has a tendency to not praise good stuff and nag a bit as he was never praised much as a child. Is his own upbringing getting in the way of his own parenting?

Thanks for your responses!

thebody - yes my dh polishes everyones shoes every Sunday night! He is quite tidy but basically likes everyone else to be tidy!

monica - the united front thing is difficult

sleepingbunnies - yes I just think that it will get so much harder if we don't get this bit ok.

Youarewinning - I ask/nag the dcs to do things and often they get done or if they don't, depending what it is, I either do it or leave it ie the blazer on the floor, I reminded her twice when she got in to hang it up and she got it as far as the bottom of the stairs.

Dh however came in, started shouting about it very quickly and it all then got out of hand. My point is that she knows that she needs to hang it up and it is her decision to go to school in a creased blazer. In the meantime she has fed the chickens, practised her piano and played tennis with her younger sibling.

I don't understand how someone can manage a good job but then lose it with an untidy 11 year old.

Well difficult as I am like you but my dh isn't a shouter.

You need to talk to him alone.

To be honest it would make me pretty cross if I asked my child to do something and they just blatantly refused/ignored me - that's pretty rude and disrespectful!

Your household sounds like ours!

I like to think our different parenting styles complement each other, but in fact, they probably happen because of each other. DP tends to come down harder on DD, so I am softer with her. He is too damn soft on DS so I have to be firmer with him.

He would say though that I am too soft with DD, so he has to come down harder on her and I am too hard on DS so he has to be softer with him.

As long as they understand there are general rules that must be stuck to whatever parent and that going from one to another is not acceptable, then all is well.

Your dd sounds lovely, it sounds like your dh is only seeing the bad stuff and not the good.

I think he needs to get a grip tbh and am totally with you on picking your battles, maybe hand him a copy of 'how to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk......'

Also saying to your dd, if you continue to leave your towels and blazer on the floor xyz will happen (whatever consequence you deem most appropriate) and leave it at that, I think nagging is totally pointless.

Ah ha gremlin I thought so - he sounds like my DDad.

I don't think you should do it - she should pick up after herself IMO, or at least dump it on the floor of her room.

My DDad use to come in - immediatly start moaning about shoes/bags etc not being put away - whilst I was doing dinner or something equally beneficial to the family. The stuff I did do didn't get praised.

Basically - in the end he noticed what I did do and I did the things important to him.

I LOVE hiddenhomes idea of a list. He can say whats important to him - eg picking up blazer/towels and she puts on the list what she does do eg piano practice/ feeding chickens.

These things have to be done say by dinner/bed time or anytime you agree. I agree you need to chat to him about praise as this will be the catalist in her seeing 'the point' in doing it. TBF if you do it for her atm there is none for her - poor DH is just the nagging dad even when he does have a point!

Then you can agree with DD some organisation - so blazer off and hung up when she comes in and then piano practice. Our compromise was shoes/bags were put on stairs and taken up when we went - not as soon as we came in as our DDad wanted. So her blazer can be put on banister or something and taken up when she goes.

This worked for us and after a few months Ddad would take our shoes up etc when he went and vice versa. Basically we all realised that the jobs being done made for a more comfortable living for all of us - regardless of who did it. The important thing in this was that we all did our fair share - it wasn't the same person dumping and the same picking up all the time. (hence my saying I think she should do it)

Would a chores list help? If your DH is particular about polishing - let him! But that's his job. DD's 'job' is the chickens.

All I remember is as we all grew up, got towards teens years and independence we sometimes didn't see what each other did do but what they ^didn't>

DH and I are the same

I'm quite laid back, DH hasn't learnt to pick his battles and I find it quite hard to support him when he's getting his knickers in a twist over something that really doesn't bother me.

I try to back him up and present a united front, but at the same time, I sometimes feel like I need to back up my 11 year old when I think he's being over the top

We've sat down together and tried to work out stuff that is really important and I'll always back him up with those

It's hard though, I don't want to undermine him but at the same time, I'm really not worried about somethings and I think he needs to chill a bit

Freddiefrog, out of interest, any examples of things that you manage to agree on?

We agreed a chore list. Simple stuff really - keeping rooms tidyish, making her bed, putting dirty clothes in the wash, clearing table and loading dishwasher, etc

She's allowed out with her friends so enforcing curfews

Meals always at the table

Manners/politeness

Homework

Things I'm not so fussed about - painting nails, wash-in/wash out hair dyes, putting shoes on the shoe box rather than in, book bags on bedroom floors rather than on desks, enforcing the full 20 minute piano practice (she actually hates learning the piano and wants to quit so finds the whole thing completely miserable), coats on backs of chairs

He's also not great at praise, instead of thanking her for loading the dishwasher, he'll moan that she didn't wipe over the dining table. We've been working on that too