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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want another dog soon after the death of our old dog

29 replies

lecce · 01/07/2013 21:18

We had our dear old dog put to sleep this afternoon. It was not a sudden event and we had made the decision to let him go peacefully before his life got any worse - he could not manage any walks and was pooing on the sofa and, in the last week or so whining and panting at increasingly frequent intervals. The vet said that any further medication would have maybe bought him a few more active months, but nothing more.

I held him as he went and am very sad to say goodbye to him. He was dh's and mine first pet and was our 'baby' before we had the children. I loved him dearly.

However, what I really want to do now, the one thing I feel would make me feel better, is to get another dog. I feel there is something missing without one here and I don't like it at all. We live in an area where pretty much everyone has at least one dog and, frankly, it is a waste of the fields and parks not to have one!

Dh says he will think about it in a year or two . I really don't want to wait that long. He is sahd so inevitably does most of the work. However, I do the last walk of the day, and any walks not covered by family days out at the weekend. The walks are not the main issue though, even though dh will say they are. Dh has MS, though is not severely affected at the moment and I do not think it his main reason for not wanting a dog now. He had no pets before we met and he is shocked by how much he loves them! We had another dog put down a couple of years ago (we got him old from a rescue centre and always knew we just giving him a nice home for the few years he had left) and that was the only time I have seen dh cry. I think he just doesn't want to get close to another dog now he knows how deeply you can love them.

AIBU to intend to convince him he is wrong and to pressure him to get another dog sooner rather than later?

OP posts:

Hassled · 01/07/2013 21:21

I'm so sorry about your dog.

I do understand your need to fill the gap, though - I'm a cat person, and when my wonderful old boy had to be PTS at 17, I did get a new cat fairly quickly afterwards - and it did help. But take a bit of time to think it through - and no, don't pressure your DH, who must be grieving. Give him time.

everlong · 01/07/2013 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iwantmybed · 01/07/2013 21:24

A lot of people do, my mum got a puppy before our dog died as she knew she wouldn't cope. I don't think we'll replace our 'baby' when she goes.

purplemurple1 · 01/07/2013 21:26

I def wouldn't wait that long we got our new puppy when our older dogs started to get ill and we knew they wouldn't last out the yr.
Go on convince him,

ShabbyButNotChic · 01/07/2013 21:34

Sorry about your poich :( I cant imagine not having a dog so in my family we always overlapped them, getting a pup when the dog was about 8 years old. My parent are on their 4th dog this way. They are a massive presence in your life and i cant imagine that being gone totally. I would look at getting one in a few months, not straight away, as it is not something you should rush, and the joy of picking/getting a pup should be enjoyed.

ShabbyButNotChic · 01/07/2013 21:35

Whoops pooch not poich

BunnyLebowski · 01/07/2013 21:38

Sorry about your dog

Just a cautionary tale. My sister's dog died a few months ago as a result of malpractice by a vet.

They felt the same as you and got a new dog very quickly. 4 months on and they wish they'd waited

Original poster

lecce · 01/07/2013 21:54

Thank you for the replies - good to know I'm not being a complete monster!

Bunny Can I ask why they wished they'd waited?

OP posts:

Twattybollocks · 01/07/2013 21:56

Yanbu, everyone deals with it differently, I know people who have had horses and dogs pts, and have bought another within a week or two. You aren't replacing your pet, you are filling the enormous dog shaped hole in your life with the only thing that will fit it - another dog. I think it does help some people a lot to have something to focus on to take away that awful empty feeling and to distract them a little.
What I found was that when I sold my horse (forced by finances) I was bereft, and as soon as I could afford it I bought another horse. Trouble is that he's not the old horse and can never be the old horse and I've just never bonded with him in quite the same way. I'm selling new horse at the moment, and I'm just not that bothered. I didn't want another horse, I wanted my horse, and nothing else would fill the gap.

LastTangoInDevonshire · 01/07/2013 22:09

Sorry about your dog, OP. I know how you feel - we are currently facing the end for our 'old faithful' and I know I will be bereft. But also know that life without a dog will be almost impossible.

Georgetta · 01/07/2013 22:50

Our dog died a few years ago very suddenly(knocked down) on a Tuesday and I had another dog by Friday. Everyone felt ' wait a few months and grieve etc' but I just couldnt wait and it was the best decision ever.My friend had an unwanted litter and had one puppy left to rehome. This dog is soo loved by all of us and a full member of the family and I am so glad I got her immediately after our first lovely girl died.Go for it if that is your instinct.

poorpaws · 01/07/2013 23:07

When my lovely dog died I got a puppy the very next day. Everyone thought it was a terrible thing to do and disrespectful to my old dog. I didn't care what people thought, I loved my old dog and gave her a very good life and because I got a new one it didn't mean I ever loved her less. The puppy I got is now 6 and she is having a wonderful life too.

The one thing I would say though is I bought pedigree dogs for years and my latest dog is a rescue hound and I would always rescue in future.

HeffalumpTheFlump · 01/07/2013 23:08

Although I completely understand your wish to get another dog as soon as possible, I think you need to give your DH some time to grieve. Otherwise it may affect his ability to bond with a new dog as he will still be so raw from losing the last one. He might unintentionally distance himself from the new pup in an attempt to protect himself from feeling so distraught again. Whereas if you give him some time to grieve the loss of your dog, he may come around to the idea of a new pup and enjoy the whole experience much more.

Plomino · 01/07/2013 23:14

When we lost our first greyhound to a very rare heart condition , we were gutted . Jack was (and still is) irreplaceable . He still has a room in the house named after him . But we got another greyhound within 2 months , because our remaining one lost all her bounce and nerve , and had become a timid frightened creature , with all her joy gone . Until the great black theif came through the door , and she lit up like a Christmas tree instantly . They've been inseparable ever since .

Kiwiinkits · 01/07/2013 23:19

about your dog. When my mum's cat died she went out and got another one the next day. She loved her old cat; she loves her new cat. It doesn't diminish the love you have for them by getting a new one.

(Although if my DH got a new DW the day after I died I'd be FURIOUS from heaven)

pinkandpurplesparkle · 01/07/2013 23:53

We had our totally adored dog pts a few months ago. The house was empty without him so we rehomed a guide dog who didn't quite make it all the way to qualifying. He is the most wonderful dog. Having him doesn't mean that we don't miss our old friend, but we have done the best we can for both dogs. Everyone is different - for me, having this dog means I can celebrate our old dog's life every day - and that works for me. Thinking of you at this difficult and sad time. There's a furry friend out there who could add to your life.

HildaOgden · 02/07/2013 00:00

Would you consider fostering a dog for a few weeks for a re-homing charity?That way you would have a dog around,and your dh wouldn't need to get too attached (if that's what he is worried about).

It could be a compromise,until you both feel ready for a permanent pet.

Swallowing · 02/07/2013 06:57

I think getting another one again so soon actually just reinforces how much love your old boy had and gave. You wouldn't want one again if owning a dog had been a chore, the truth is he gave you joy and so will a new one. I don't know what to advise re your DH. Maybe start looking at rescues in your area. That is what I did, my husband didn't want another and I wasn't trying to manipulate him. I just couldn't imagine not having a dog, we did get one, and there was an adjustment period for all of us, but I wouldn't be without that little nutter. (or the dog! )

Burmobasher · 02/07/2013 07:10

I am very sorry to hear about your beloved dog. I completely understand why you feel the need for another so soon but equally it is very early days so I can see why DH wants to wait a while. Maybe leave it for a few days then discuss it? I am guessing that he will feel differently about waiting a year or two.
You also mentioned having had a rescue dog in the past. I read somewhere that the greatest gift your pet leaves you when they pass is a space on the sofa for the next animal who needs your help. What a great legacy to leave behind.
Good luck whatever you decide

GrimmaTheNome · 02/07/2013 08:01

Go for it if that is your instinct.

The problem here is, it's the OP's instinct but not her DHs. I know I'd feel exactly like the OP - when our prevous dog died suddenly, nothing felt right till we had our new one (we went from 'shall we get another dog?' to starting to contact breeders with a view to a pup in 6 months time to getting a 10 month old who hadn't made the grade for showing so needed a home, all within about 3 weeks).

But to understand her DH's point of view, read Kipling's The Power of the Dog (I'm not giving a link, it will make most dog lovers cry so I don't want to make it too easy to click).

Its a hard one... I tend towards the 'better to have loved and lost than never to have loved' but I don't think it would be right for the OP to pressure her DH - not right now, anyway.

mrsjay · 02/07/2013 08:07

your poor dog and you it is heartbreaking my dog died suddenly a few years ago she was only 9, and the hole she left was huge it would have been easy to rush out and get a new dog, I didnt as it wouldnt have replaced her the urge never went away though I love having a dog around but we had an elderly cat as well so wouldnt have been fair, the cat was PTS a year or so ago and we did go on to get a new dog, do it when the time is right for everybody but grieve for your old dog first

SamuelWestsMistress · 02/07/2013 08:23

How very sad for you it's so awful when you have to say goodbye to a much loved pet.

I don't think it would be unreasonable at all. Pets are very important to you when you've always had them. Part of the family! I definitely think it would help you with your loss as something to focus on as long as you know it's right for you.

Dorris83 · 02/07/2013 10:08

lecce I'm so sorry for you loss
I don't have any advice but I think the other posters who have advised that you give your DH time are right. He'll probably start to want a new dog when he realises how rubbish it is to walk without a dog.

grimma I googled that poem and cried. Thankyou for it, I hadn't heard of it before ( am being genuine, not sarcastic- I'm very soppy about my ddog)

I realised reading this thread that I haven't been going my ddog much love lately ( pfb DS is 11 weeks old and gets most of it!) this tread has made me remember to give ddog some fuss too- he had a belly rub and we're going for a jog mostly walking in a minute.

Your DH will come around lecce, then you'll be in puppy/new dog madness before you know it!

plainjaney · 02/07/2013 10:54

YADNBU

My Mum lost her little shih tzu a few months back. Mum is 77 and has been alone since Dad died 5 years ago. The dog was her life. She'd walk him miles, talk to him. When he died the change in her was huge and immediate.

I told her to get up, dust herself down and get another. She said it wasn't fair on his memory. I then said that he wouldn't want to see her so down and lost.
We had a week of wavering. "What if I become ill?" Ill have the dog. "What if I die?" I'll look after the dog. Its worth pointing out at this stage that Mum is very fit and healthy for her years. Finally she relented and came with me just to 'have a look' at some shih tzu pups.

'Charlie' is 11 weeks old now and a complete riot. Mum is up and out at 7am walking him miles, she's loving every moment of training him and he's given her a new lease of life. Actually holding a phone conversation with her now is almost impossible because she's never in!

She misses her dog, we all do and Charlie wont replace him, but he has filled a huge, dog sized hole in her life.

Georgetta · 02/07/2013 11:20

OP,forgot to add that my dh also wasnt keen and wanted to wait a while but he came round very soon after the fluffy little bundle of trouble started wreaking havoc everywhere.There is no choice really -if you are a doggie household then everyone will love a new addition.It fills a huge sad void..

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