to feel like I want to leave

[jaybles]

So, this is my first post and I'm not quite sure what to expect.
I don't really want to ask anyone I know in RL about this so I thought I would seek the wisdom of strangers.
Basically, OH and I have been together for 13 years and there was quite a few instances when we first met that OH would get drunk and be very, very flirtatious with other people (one friend even asked if we'd broken up as OH was being quite full on).
On one occasion on a night out(which was the last straw for me) OH flirted quite openly with a friend of a friend whilst I was stood there. This was bad enough, but it followed a day of flirting with the same person - really trying to get their attention, etc.

We got into a heated row about this and I was made to feel that I was imagining things. Well, fast forward to the present and during a recent difficult patch between us I asked for the truth about a few things and it turns out that I was right - OH admitted that they found the other person more attractive (at the time), and the flirtation was deliberate to "feel better about myself". OH also admitted that if I wasn't there they probably would have cheated (kissed).
I know this was ages ago - but I feel pretty gutted about the whole thing. Especially as this was not an isolated incident (though it was by far the worst). OH has never actually cheated, and I know that I'm probably being overly sensitive - but like I said I'm gutted.

Ouch. Sounds like an ego blow and I would be v. gutted too.

Of course YANBU to feel like you want to leave.
However your DP didn't cheat, and all this seems like it was a long time ago and has been brought up to hurt you during this difficult patch. It sounds like you have both had moments of insecurity and both felt uncertain of the other one's love.

Only you know whether you love your OH enough and have enough positive shared experiences to put this behind you and trust each other again. Would you consider joint counselling to talk it through?

People who have a bog hole where their self esteem should be will always, unless they get excellent therapy, try and fill it with attention from other people.

Some people can live with this need in a partner. Others decide its not worth he hassle and look for someone less damaged.

Only you can decide if it's a deal breaker if if you can continue to overlook his weakness.

Bog hole?? Big hole AND xpost..

Hi Jaybles,
I don't think for a second that you are overreacting and I would be gutted too. I have heard some superb advice on here and although it can often get quite tough-love(y) it usually ends up being spot on. Is this kind of incident still happening or is his behavior better these days?
To my mind the most unpleasant thing about your post is the way your OH minimized your (completely legitimate) concerns.
Wiser people than me will post soon but that smacks of gaslighting to me.
Take care and hope you get some good advice soon X

I think 'bog' hold quite a good term :)

I would feel, in your situation, that your OH would have cheated if the chance arose. I really do not think you are overreacting and I would kick the wanker up the arse as he left!