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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that he should do something in the house?

44 replies

MissBrown · 01/07/2013 17:48

My husband works quite long hours and has to drive a long way to work. However, I also work, usually 2-4 days a week and also have to work at home in the evenings.

We have 3 kids. He expects me to do EVERYTHING! Work, childcare, financial matters, look nice, and support him emotionally because he works so hard! To top it off he walks around making a mess, leaves his socks on the floor, doesn't take plates to the kitchen, pisses on the toilet floor (poor aim!) etc etc, which he expects me to deal with as well.

I wouldn't mind doing everything if he weren't to whinge so bloody much about every frigging move I make. He complains that the house isn't tidy enough, that I don't earn enough, that I don't make an effort with my appearance etc etc!

When he is pissed off with me, he can't just say what the problem is, he has to descend to name calling and exaggerating everything, e.g. 'you never .......' , or 'You earn no money.....' I earn a reasonable salary for what I do.

What do you all think? Should he do something? Even something little like take the recycling out, or pick his stinking socks up off the floor, or wipe his poorly aimed piss off the toilet seat. AIBU??

OP posts:

Squitten · 01/07/2013 18:15

The fact that your DD idolises a man who evidently has such a low opinion of women should worry you very much indeed. She will be learning that this is what is expected of her in her future relationships.

I'm curious what your shared dreams are when he evidently expects you to do nothing but be his slave. On top of your paid job.

Original poster

MissBrown · 01/07/2013 18:17

Move to a different area, a small holding, a surf type business and a semi self sufficient lifestyle.

OP posts:

itried · 01/07/2013 18:19

You are not a servant. Marriage is a partnership. Someone who has the energy to do all that moaning, has the energy to do some tasks around the house. He behaves like a disrespectful child.

Have you tried giving him a precise list of what you want him to do?

Keep Flash wipes or some anti-bacterial wipes in the lav and tell him to clean up after himself.

If you have more than one lav, keep one for you and the children (put a lock on the outside to which you keep the key if necessary - desperate measures).

Tell him for e.g. he gathers his own washing and puts it in the laundry basket. He sorts and takes out the recycling, he washes the car. You hang up the washing, he brings in it or whatever. Every time he drops clothes on the floor, put them in a bin bag and leave it by his side of the bed. When he runs out of clean clothes, perhaps he will learn. None of these tasks takes long but doing them would demonstrate that he is a participant in the marriage.

What is the point in expecting a woman to look good for him (this is Neanderthal anyway) if she is then to spend her time doing the drudge stuff? Do you enjoy any time spent together or as a family?

Can you afford a cleaner?

If he is so miserable, why does he wish to remain with you? Do you wish to stay with him?

Can you go out for a day or half a day at the weekend so that he has responsibility for the house and children? Or, take the children out to do fun stuff and leave him moaning at home.

If you do so and come back to chaos then turn round and go out again. I did. When I occasionally went out in the evening, my ex would pay my son (8) to put his little sister (2) to bed because he couldn't be bothered - it was less important than watching the football.

I became a single parent rather than live with my ex (who was like your H). Do you still love him?

Pilgit · 01/07/2013 18:20

If you weren't there he'd have to clean up his own piss, socks etc despite earning what he does. Why should you do it? taking care of the general stuff and the DC is one thing but being his personal slave is quite another. He does not value your contribution to the home or your life. He is being a cock but I think you already know that.

Original poster

MissBrown · 01/07/2013 18:20

The thing is with him that he can be like Jekyl (sp) and hyde. He can be the funniest, most loveable, generous etc etc etc man and the next minute he is a sulky pain in the arse who says things for the sake of hurting.

He is the best and the worst all in one.

OP posts:

YouStayClassySanDiego · 01/07/2013 18:20

Your dreams for the future sound idyllic but can you imagine what he'd be like as you struggled to get your business off the ground with the attitude he displays.

Original poster

MissBrown · 01/07/2013 18:23

He is a cock Piglit, you are right, but not all the time!

Any way must go and do some work now, (my work from my job). I'll be back to this later on. Thanks for all your replies.

OP posts:

orangeandemons · 01/07/2013 18:23

But if you work 4 days a week, then evening work, you are working more than him, so why should you feel responsible for doing the lions share? Your working ours seem to e pretty equal, therefore your domestic chores should be equal

Mabelface · 01/07/2013 18:37

I'd be making comments like "You don't pay me enough to clean up your piss" and refusing to clear up after him.

Mabelface · 01/07/2013 18:37

Oh, and ask him when did he find a time machine and go back to the 1950s.

AaDB · 01/07/2013 19:39

I'm very lucky to have the summer holiday off. DH is working full time with a long commute. I try to do the lions share if housework so we have time to relax at the weekend. DH does his fair share. That includes taking ds for a bath and story for an hour before bed every night. Next year is DH's turn and I expect the same from him. He can do what he likes when ds isn't there.

He complained about how I ironed; I don't iron his clothes anymore. It drives me mad that he balls his socks before putting them in the wash; I don't wash them. No complaints or arguments here.

Your DH should help out more. He should also be acting with more respect for himself and not leave piss and smelly socks at his arse.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/07/2013 20:13

"We have shared dreams for our future but I can't really see a future when he is like this. Bastard."
And that should be the starting point for a long and thorough conversation between the two of you.

mummytowillow · 01/07/2013 20:18

Go on strike, look after yourself and kids but do nothing for him.

No picking up, washing etc when he has no pants, sovks etc tell him why

I'd also not cook for him, tell.him to microwave a meal. He'll soon stop moaning!

CityTiliDie · 01/07/2013 20:47

How old is he?

Is his cock so small that he cant aim it properly?

The 'man' is a twat.

My DW is a SAHM (HE DD) and I work full time (own business) but we share all housework. Somethings I like doing others she likes to do and share the really shite jobs. You are in a partnership or at least you should be but your relationship is anything but........ SLAVE springs to mind.

Stop doing all his dirty work and put himon the naughty step when he complains........ stop his pocket money for a week if he wont help and do his FAIR share.

Vivacia · 01/07/2013 20:52

That's the second "small cock" comment I've read on mumsnet today. Am I the only one who thinks that it's not on?

MommyBird · 01/07/2013 20:52

I'm a SAHM so i bring no money into our house, it's all my husband and if he spoke to me like that i'd be wiping his tooth brush into his own piss.

He also works long hours and is up at silly o'clock, he also does housework, sorts out bills, cooks (if im feeling pants as i love cooking!) he is allways there at bath time and bedtime because he's a dad and he's my husband. we are a team. its our house, our bills and our family.

He is treating you like a doormat.

DorisIsWaiting · 01/07/2013 21:03

I'm a sahm dh works fulltime but would not dream of behaving like this. I'm not going to list what he does around the house ( alot!) needless to say he would not dream of pissing around the toilet and expecting me to clear it up.

Your idyllic dreams for the future will be more of the same for you.

Why do you ot challene him on his behaviours.. because fo the hurtful responses or the trantrums? Surely you can see that even if he is the funniest most loving chap some of the time this is not healthy?

ihearsounds · 01/07/2013 21:11

Right write a list of house rules

No pissing on the floor. Anyone who pisses on floor needs to clean it themselves. Only animals and those with no control of bladder piss on floor. (Laminate this also and leave in the loo. Embarrass him)
Each person to pick up their own clothes, and everyone to help the youngest.
IF you are old enough, you take your washing up to the kitchen.
Man to take out recycling and household rubbish, daily/weekly.

Tell him this is how it is going to be. If he doesn't like it, then he can pay for a skivvy to clean up after his piss and himself. You are not his mum. He is an adult who should be able to look after himself and his family. And this this means cleaning up... If he's really not happy, well, tbph he has the option of moving out.. Then he can live in his own piss soaked, vermin riddled shit hole.

specialsubject · 01/07/2013 21:22

I hope you have made your life a little easier by not having time for sex.

this is awful. Being busy at work is no excuse for treating you like dirt.

do you enjoy his company? Does he enjoy yours? Doesn't sound like it?

tell it like it is and start making plans if he doesn't want to rescue this marriage.

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