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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not understand why people can't be grateful for what the have got in their life.

24 replies

missmatched · 30/06/2013 23:23

I met up with a few friends from school today.

Friend 1. Has a big house, two car's, a job and a healthy child.A few holiday a year and is always going on about what she has bought and how much it cost.She has a husband that earns a salary me and my family could live on.Yet she was telling me how unhappy she was she hates her job,want's another child but her dh doesnt and was complaining she was in her over draft.I said why don't you change job's and stay at home abit.

Friend 2. Is cheating on her dp with a tosser from senior school and she made abit of a thing about not talking about it in front of me "because miss feels embarrased about it". I did point out that I was not embarrased about her cheating on her dp,just disappointed in her as a person and it should be her who was embarrased.

Friend 3.Truly does have a hard life and I wouldn't want to put how hard her life has been on here out of respect for her, but she is by far the happiest.

When friend 3 left the table to go the toilet. 1 and 2 started slagging friend 3 off saying no one is that happy.I said I think she is just more of a positive person than them,which didn't go down well,but I don't care because I just got pissed off.1 said I was jealous of her life and 2 said I was jealous because she had two men.I had to laugh I said I was jealous of 1 because she had a job and haveing been made redundant and living like i am on the breadline I would not take my job for granted and told 2 I wasn't jealous because my one man was enough for me.I did however tell them I needed to get new friends and friend 3 said she would leave with me.They slagged me off when I left the table aswell,she said she knew it would happen and I guess I kind of knew it would aswell.

So aibu in thinking people should maybe stop and count their blessing's once in a while instead of thinking about what they are missing out on.I am glad I dont meet up with them alot.I am bitter that I wasted 2 hours of my life that I could of spent with my lovely baby.

OP posts:

SunshineBossaNova · 30/06/2013 23:41

YABU.

You start off your OP by saying that people should be grateful for what they have - and end by talking about being bitter that you wasted 2 hours of your life that you could have spent with your lovely baby.

Shouldn't you just be grateful for your lovely baby?

SinisterSal · 30/06/2013 23:44

I heard someone say once that worries and discontents are like Russian Dolls right in front of your face. when the big one is gone there is another smaller one almost completely obstructing your vision.
Except they said it snappier than that

SugarandSpice126 · 30/06/2013 23:47

I don't understand how people end up friends with these people in the first place! Those two just sound like pretty horrible people anyway. Though actually, hating your job or wanting another child can be pretty bad, and i'm sure I'd get down about both those thinga.

But the question of being grateful about what you have more generally is more complex. I have enough money (just!), a loving family etc..and I should be more grateful for things like that. But that doesn't necessarily make me any less upset about anything else that might be going on in my life. I'm really envious of friend 3! Maybe it's more of a personality thing. Some people take everything for granted and some treasure what they have and accept it. I think it's all relative. People who are starving across the world would be extremely grateful for food, whereas for a lot of us, having enough food is so normal we don't think to be explicitly 'grateful' for it.

Bit long there and I'm exhausted, so sorry if it didn't make much sense! But overall no you are not being unreasonable and people should be more grateful for what they have, but it's not always that easy. You could be forever saying 'but you do have food, so you should be thankful...or you have a house, even though it's falling apart..or you have a few pennies instead of none..

MorrisZapp · 30/06/2013 23:49

Yabu

Are people in big houses not allowed to have relationship issues? Life would be a bit shit if we couldn't moan or offload to our mates.

ilovesooty · 30/06/2013 23:49

Well it doesn't sound as though you'll want to see them again. Feel sorry for them for their empty lives and treat those two ours as a learning experience preventing you from wasting your time in future. You'll have more fun with your family and with friend 3

LalyRawr · 30/06/2013 23:53

I guess it's a case of you don't know what you've got until its gone.

Friend 1 won't realise what she has until she loses it all.

Friend 2 won't realise how much she loves her husband until he finds out about the affair and she loses him.

Friend 3 has been in the shit and is happy to be out of it.

I was the same. A proper spoilt kid. My parents were 'crap' because they bought me the wrong colour £100 pair of trainers. We went to Greece two years in a row- how bloody boring. I was embarrassed for my dad to pick me up from school because his car was four years old. I was a horrible, horrible teenager.

Then they died.

In that moment, I realised just how fucking fantastic they were. And how I would happily never go on holiday again, or wear anything expensive or never be driven again, if only they would come back.

I guess they're lucky, in a way, that they aren't appreciative. Means they haven't ever lost anything of value.

SugarandSpice126 · 30/06/2013 23:56

laly that made me well up..I'm so sorry about your parents. I think that must happen to quite a few people.

AudrinaAdare · 30/06/2013 23:56

Pisses me off when people think I should be overextending to own a big house and have flash trappings in the form of clothes and cars. I have two disabled children who are alive and happy and who have all that they need and want. That's more than enough, thanks

foslady · 01/07/2013 00:00

I get where you're coming from - I think of it as 'the more you have the more you want' syndrome. I have fuck all compared to my friends, but I am grateful I have a job after redundancy and that I could afford to buy xh out of our home. I too have heard similar style conversations. If they want what they have they have to usually sacrifice other areas in their lives, but they don't want to do that.......hence the unhappiness. The things that made them happy initially don't when the other areas have negatively knocked on. A few friends have got far more than me, but have 'paced' themselves into this. They are happy.

I just listen, nod and know what the answer is.....knowing they don't want to hear it

But I think YABU too class 1 & 2 as friends. Friends don't bitch about each other as soon as their back is turned.

Original poster

missmatched · 01/07/2013 00:00

I like that saying sinistersal.I understand that all people have problems.I have had enough im my life to learn you have to realise when life is good,but oh the drama of it,I suppose I just think if you dont like it change it,not sit around complaining about it.Friend 3 is wonderful she really is.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 01/07/2013 00:01

So because friend one has a job she doesn't like and wants to have another baby which her DH doesn't want, she should have to lose it all?

I don't see what she's done wrong. Can somebody explain?

MorrisZapp · 01/07/2013 00:02

The bitching aside, I should say.

Original poster

missmatched · 01/07/2013 00:04

laly thanks for shareing that and fos you are right lol.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 01/07/2013 00:05

I think YABU.
I have a good life - health, family, job, home, friends, etc., but part of the loveliness of meeting a friend for lunch or a coffee is having a bit of a moan and putting the world to rights. Doesn't mean that overall I'm not content with my lot, but there's nothing wrong with having a bit of an offload occasionally.
My friends would look at me like this -> if I sat and listed all the positive things in my life without being able to unload the frustrations.

foslady · 01/07/2013 00:07

Friend 1's husband is probably thinking that if she is in o/d now, esp with a good job there's no way they could afford another child, so by saying 'no more' effectively closes down the conversation.

Futterby · 01/07/2013 00:20

YANBU about the whole "be grateful" thing.

I sat on the train the other day and couldn't help but hear (it was being discussed loudly on an otherwise silent train) a woman moaning to her friend about how much she absolutely can't wait until her kids leave the house and how fed up she was of them. She mentioned her 8yo son and 12yo daughter, so she has a while to go before they leave home and she was being really quite nasty about it, saying how much she wishes she never had kids and although she loves them, she wants her old life back.

I sat quite gobsmacked that she could be so ungrateful about her children when so many people in the world would be overjoyed to have a son and/or a daughter; and as I'm to become a mother myself in November, I couldn't quite imagine having that mindset.

jessjessjess · 01/07/2013 00:37

YABVU. Just because you think someone has it good, doesn't mean they can't have a bad day or need to complain.

Friend 1: might not be able to get another job at the drop of a hat, and wanting another child when her DH doesn't is a perfectly decent reason to complain.

Friend 2: don't see that she's ungrateful, so not sure how this applies.

Friend 3: having a hard life and being happy about it is good, but doesn't mean everyone else has to be happy.

AudrinaAdare · 01/07/2013 00:48

Futterby that seems a bit strange to me as well. I don't want my old life back at all - it was shit and filled with uncertainty! My DC are 13 and 6 and they keep me fulfilled and purposeful. I could do with a bit more sleep but I'm learning French with DD and DS is incredibly challenging intellectually.

I wonder what sort of life that lady feels that she is missing out on? I remember being told that my school years were the best, and in some ways they were, but I much prefer these ones.

Still, we are all different and the lady may be an amazing grandparent in the future. Like children, we all develop differently as adults, or so I like to think.

Best wishes for November - I am actually quite excited on your behalf. There really is nothing like it

Futterby · 01/07/2013 00:59

Audrina, that sounds fantastic :) although I have no DC's of yet, my life before I fell pregnant (I'm 18) was drink, drink, drink, smoke, struggle with college, drink some more. I'm now doing really well and am much healthier myself than before falling pregnant so already my life is getting better; can't wait to have my lo here and see what that brings!

Thank you so much for your kind wishes, I'm so excited to say the least :) best of luck with learning French! I'm awful at it - I can say Monday and that's about it! :)

Sorry, off topic for the thread :p

SinisterBuggyMonth · 01/07/2013 01:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AudrinaAdare · 01/07/2013 01:48

Wow, Futterby, I would never have guessed that you were so young in years from your posts. You already have an amazing attitude to parenthood. Your baby will be very lucky to have you as a mother.

It's lovely that you're here on Mumsnet. It really is the best place to be. Stick with the winners

Angloamerican · 01/07/2013 02:32

lalyrawr Those are wise words indeed. I'm so sorry that you have lost your parents.

Sodapop55 · 01/07/2013 03:34

YABU by not ditching those bitchy friends! Yikes.

YANBU entirely about not understanding why people aren't more grateful or do something to change their situation, but happiness is subjective for everyone.

suburbophobe · 01/07/2013 03:41

All very well to bitch and moan, (and we all do it and it's a great way to let out frustration)....

But the fact is, you are the only one who has your life in control. You cannot blame other people for the choices (or mistakes) you make in life.

If friend nr. 1 wants another baby yet her husband does not, she has to respect his choice and make up her mind, she can always leave him and look for someone else who does want it.

Easier said than done I know, but don't become bitter about the life choices you made by blaming other people for them.

Oh, and I can't stand the kind of toxic people that bitch behind your back as soon as you go to the Ladies. You KNOW they will be bitching about you too!

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