To invite children we have never met to ds2's party?

[lecce]

We have only lived here since February and haven't really met many people yet. Dh is a SAHD and has MS and hasn't been in great health since we moved and he has found the school parents more cliquey and difficult than those at our last place - though his health has probably made him feel less confident, too.

Ds has a party coming up in a few weeks and we have said that ds1 can invite some people too as he didn't have a party this year. We plan to invite everyone from ds2's nursery class and ds1 has named 6/7 poeple he'd like to ask and two old friends are coming.

However, aside from the old friends, we don't know any of these parents (there have been no playdates and, despite us spending half our lives in local parks, only three times have children from the school been there) and I am starting to worry that none of them will come.

Ds2 has a taster day at his September reception class this week and parents are invited to stay to lunch. I thought I could get a list and invite all those children too, and that lunch might be a chance to talk to a few of the parents, maybe making it more likely that they will attend.

But would you think it odd that if a parent did this, bearing in mind that only three of the children are coming from ds's nursery, so he won't know most of them from Adam?

I'd be very pleased if my DS was invited to a future classmate's party (he's starting in reception too).

I would find that odd. I would assume you were going to be the control freaky mother everyone ends up avoiding, the one who insists on organising everything from teachers collections to proms without much thought for anyone else.

Others will say it's a nice thing to do, to get to know everyone.

TBH its is your DS2's birthday, two established friends for DS1 is quite enough, unless you are intending to have a joint party - you are overshadowing DS2. Invite the 6/7 if you must but don't expect them to attend.

Are you billing this as a joint party? would be expecting presents for DS1?

I already had a thread about the wisdom of inviting friends of ds1 to it and the majority said that it would be fine and there were lots of examples given from people who'd done similar. Someone suggested putting something like 'Please be ds1's friend at his brother's party - no present needed!' on the invitations for ds1's friends. (thank you to that mumsnetter - I'm going to use that!)

If they get that impression of me, Holly it couldn't be further from the truth. I have nearly no involvement whatsoever with the school as I am a teacher myself and never around for school events. As I said, dh is a sahd but he has struggled to meet the parents here, partly because we joined mid-year, partly because he's a man (I think) and partly because his MS has affected his mouth this year and made him self-conscious when talking to others. It's really not that bad at all, but I know he feels it is.

For all these reasons it's difficult for us to help our children make friends in our new area and I'm really sad to think that even trying will make some people think we are control freak 'alpha' parents, when, in fact, I am seriously worried that we will end up with no guests apart from our two old friends (1 per sibling, btw).

Thanks for your response, depressing though it is.

Is it a big class?

How about you print off some slips with your contact details on, and suggesting a BYO picnic and a play in the park one day soon (actually specify a date, time and place) then dish them out at the reception lunch?

Then carry on with your original plans for the birthday party.

School gate politics, I avoided the school gate like the plague. I just speak from experience that there are some mothers who are born organisers - very useful in that they take up the slack where no one else can be bothered, but more often than not they tend to overstep the mark and gaily organise all manner of things that other people would like to have had some input into.

And I hate to be a curmudgeonly old cow but 'Please be ds1's friend at his brother's party - no present needed! but that would flag up immediately with me that DS1 has no friends and I am using the assumption here as you don't know any other parents, that there would be a reason for that.

At the lunch (now that's a good idea by the school!) you will get to meet a couple of other parents, see who DS1 plays with - and you can say "we're new to the area blah blah" - but I think a whole class invite is a weird. do you really want to be catering for another 30 odd children and parents and all the siblings which will ensue?

It sounds like an awful lot of people already! Even if you've hired a massive hall, I would only ever invite 25 kids maximum.

It's a nice idea but I would just stick to the nursery class and DS1's friends.

I think I'd be inclined to have a smaller party this time - some of the children from the nursery and your older sons friends which I don't see as sad at all. My sons are 18 months apart and we always had a mixture of ages at the parties at that age.
With regards to the reception class I think I'd leave that (apart from the 3. nursery ones) until they start in September. Then at half term you could arrange a meet up at a park or soft play place .
I was one of those "organisor" types and remember passing out slips to have a class picnic in the park at the end of term. Ok some people didn't join in but that was there choice -others actually said they were pleased someone made an effort.
Whatever you do I hope you all have a lovely time - my sons are now at senior school and I hVe really lovely memories of their infant school parties - enjoy!!

Go for it. I think it's a great idea. Most likely not everyone will come but I'm sure plenty will. I also have problems with my speech at the moment and understand why that must be difficult for your dh when meeting new people. Best wishes to you both and hope you have a great time.

Thank you - it's really useful to see how this may look to others and perhaps it's not such a great idea.

And I hate to be a curmudgeonly old cow but 'Please be ds1's friend at his brother's party - no present needed! but that would flag up immediately with me that DS1 has no friends and I am using the assumption here as you don't know any other parents, that there would be a reason for that.

See, I find this difficult. What does it mean for a six year old to have 'no friends'? Ds has frequently named the people he wants to invite as being those he plays with at lunch time and, on the 3 occassions we bumped into people in parks/soft-play, they approached him and seemed pleased to see him and they played together. But, are you saying that I can only consider them friends if we know the parents and go on playdates? Where does that leave people like us, who have moved to a new area and have circumstances not entirely conducive to making friends? Would you stop your child going to the party on the basis of that invitation? Surely it doesn't matter what you think - if you ask your child and they say, "Yes, we play together at school, I'd like to go to the party," then that would be enough. I understand that you wouldn't want to force them to go if they said they didn't want to, of course, but I'm hoping that won't be the case!

Gosh, I find this friendship thing a nightmare and the way it works seems to depend so much on parents and their friendships - hard when you're not around much during the week.

I think it's fine.

When DD2 started school, one of the mums knew a few other mums, and got together whoever she could for a lunch at her house, so we could all meet each other.

It was great.

In DD1's class, a new girl joined in about year 2, when parents had already made friends etc. When they had a birthday party for her, her parents invited the other parents along as well, so they could meet everyone. That seemed like a really good idea, as well.

Combining the whole meeting thing with a birthday party is lovely. And I think you'll find that not everyone comes, but the more sociable people will come, and they are the ones you probably most want to meet.

Honestly?

Don't invite any of ds1s friends. It's ds2's party. I have 3 dc, have been doing parties for 12 years and have never invited friends of the other two.

If ds1 didn't have a party this year tell him he can have a party next year if he wants.

I am from the ancient and feckless school of parenting.

I sincerely doubt I knew in any depth any of my childrens friends parents, nor they me, but we still had people round for tea/went to parties. I never got past the doorstep in my desire to abandon my child/ren and leave

There seems to be some whole new wave of helicoptering in intial "play dates" and assessing the host parent. Most peculiar IMHO.

Kids make friends. Kids have other kids round for tea. I liked life when it was simple.

I am a LP, work FT and so never do the school run. We also moved into the area 10 months before DS started reception, only 2 other children from his nursery went to his school. (we didn't move far and it was a day nursery so nearest one to old and current address anyway!)

I wish I'd have the forthought to get to know the parents at events etc. (Mum took him to intro days etc as I'd just started a new job and worried about taking time off )

How about - a note and contact details telling parents your having a get together for DS2 birthday - and that you'd like to invite them to come along if they want to so the children can get to know each other a little better?

The only risk it has is that people may feel weird about a birthday present for someone they don't know - so offer it as an open house type thing. Or limit the invite to people DS actually gets on well with at intro day?

Yes, an open house is great, we often do that and invite loads of people neighbours, friends, colleagues. Some from each group comes and it makes for a very fun day. We have a very small house but it always works out fine.

Sorry, does one have to know the child's parents for the child to be considered a friend? 'Cos by that reckoning, neither of my children has many friends!

I think you're over-thinking it. For a party, you just give out a load of invitations and people who can come, will -- and those who have a previous engagement, won't. I don't think there' going to be some nineteenth-century angst about exchanging cards and acknowledging acquaintanceship, is there? Unless the new area you've moved to IS the nineteenth century.

I'd not think any of your plans or wording odd, and would think your plans for asking people who'll be in reception fine- the parents are still making decisions on social plans at that age and are probably in the same boat feeling concerned about a new school in September when lots of kids are presumably moving up from an established nursery class so might really welcome a chance to get to know people before next term.

You could put on DS1' s invite: "It's not my birthday but Mum said I could invite a few friends too (no presents please!)" And get him to sign it. Avoids the implication of "please be my friend" if that's worrying you.

I work full time so don't do school runs and although ds3 had been two years at the school nursery he got to the end of primary 1 without me knowing the other parents. We invited the whole class (25) to a soft play party, all but 4 came. I parent stayed with a younger child no one else did but everyone was very friendly and ds has been invited for quite a few playdates since.

it sounds normal to me, to invite kids & parents you don't know at all.

Just invite them-most will come and some won't. At this time of year most parents will appreciate the chance for their dc to meet up with future class mates. I would change the wording on ds1's invites to "please keep ds1 company at his little brother's party :-) " It sounds a bit less needy.